Tomorrow... unless God comes back (which I really hope happens in all seriousness) I will spend my morning wrapping gifts... but not for Jenna. My Jenna died. The other night while I was shopping for her cousins it took everything out of me just being in the toy department. I should be there for them, and for her. It literally ruined my evening. That blind-sighted me. I had no idea Christmas shopping for them would be so hard. I wonder now what Heaven's toy box is like? I really hope she gets to dress up like a princess up there. I would have dressed her up in all those princess outfits for the princess she was.
But back to my tomorrow... wrapping gifts for family members because our Christmas will be celebrated on Saturday. Can I tell you how much I am not looking forward to it??? Not because my family is anything less than awesome, only that there will be a giant gaping hole. And most won't notice how she should be there but me and hubby. And if they notice the giant gaping hole it won't sting to them like it will in our hearts.
I will probably hide in the bathroom when I feel the tears rushing in and prance out with a pasted smile on my face like I have done at most gatherings. I am getting pretty good at it.
The cousins will tear through their gifts. I will participate in the white elephant game and probably end up with a tool set :) Which is really okay... it makes it more interesting.
But how did this happen?
Oh, and tomorrow evening we get to go see her in a cold, probably wet cemetery. I can't describe how angry that makes me. I have a daughter. I really miss her right now. She will have been gone seven months tomorrow.
We bought her a giant fuchsia ornament to add to her grave from Target. It probably won't match the other decorations, but I don't care. I really wanted to buy her something while I was shopping for her cousins and I found this. I also found a princess wand with a butterfly at the end. I got that out of the toy section. I was getting really irritated because I was trying to find her something too (that was actually a toy) but I kept thinking how dirty it would get at the cemetery. I suddenly became irrational and thought how insensitive that nobody makes "toys" for these angels. I just wanted her to have something other than an ornament. What on earth does a seven month old do with an ornament anyway??? I told my husband that I am glad we found this ornament to add to her grave but it still makes me so angry that I can't buy her toys for her to play with. He doesn't get angry like I do about these things. Maybe that's a good thing.
I am guessing that while she is playing out of Heaven's toy box, I should be rejoicing that she is with the Reason for this season. I am really interested in what Christmas is like up there. Part of me feels privileged that my daughter gets to spend Christmas with our Saviour and King. Of course a bigger part of me feels frustration and anger that she should and could be here. With me.
19 comments:
Franchesca, I think it was very brave of you to go out and shop for Jenna Belle's cousins. My husband and I have decided to just give our nieces and nephews and god children money this Christmas, because the idea of not buying anything for our babies while we're shopping is just too painful. I do like your perspective of it being an honor to have our children celebrate their Christmas with our Savior (of course, at the same time, I too am angry and frustrated at that). I wish you peace this Saturday and this Christmas, and hope you feel your sweet girl's presence strongly to help ease the missing.
Sometimes crying in the bathroom is ok. I've been there too.
I wanted to let you know that tomorrow I am changing the URL of my blog. I will be changing it to ourbrokenhearts.blogspot.com
I'm changing it because certain paople read my blog that I don't think should be reading it, because of the content. Just thought you might still want to follow!
Oh Franchesca... (((Hugs)))
It really does bite to have to buy toys for other children when all you really want is to buy one for your baby. Here's an idea that Joseph and I are doing for Wyatt (except we're doing it on his 1st birthday). We are buying him a star because it's the closest thing to heaven we can possibly get him :) I think a star beats a toy any day of the week! You can even name it after Jenna and pick your constellation :)
I totally get your frustration and anger. I will be thinking of you and Jenna tomorrow as your wrap presents. I am sure Saturday will be incredibly hard. I have learned to let myself cry when I need to (even if it is in the bathroom). I also know all to well the pasted smile you are talking about. It is so hard to put on, but sometimes it feels as though it is needed to get through the day.
I only hope our angels have a big toy box in heaven and that they are celebrating too! ((HUGS))
Franchesca *huge hugs* Thank you for helping me to see some positive in this. I never thought about how special our babies are to be spending Christmas with the Lord, our savior. It makes it a little easier, but doesn't take the pain away. We don't have any nieces or nephews on either side of the family, but we have friend's children we shop for and it was not easy to shop for them and Jonathan.
Sending thoughts of peace to you as you wrap Christmas gifts.
I find it so hard to go in those stores as well. I finally was able to go in one without hyperventilating.
You are so right about there needing to be soe kind of toy that can be bought for our little ones...
Praying for you daily.
Praying for you so much and sending you some {{HUGS}}
Caroline
fran...I am just so sad..it is not right to have to visit our babies in a cold wet cemetery and it makes me so angry too...BUT they are in Heaven, they get Christmas everyday.. we should feel privileged, but its hard..hugs..
This will be our second Christmas without Emma and I completely relate to everything you have written here. I truly hope that you are able to get a small sense of the love and joy that Jenna is experiencing in your own Christmas.
I completely understand. I have had a difficult time in the store too. I wander thru the baby girl section at target- just to try to feel what it would have felt like to be picking out beautiful pink things for Cameron. I love the image of Heaven's Toy box and how our babies are spending Christmas with the Lord. It doesn't take any of the pain away, but it does bring some peace. Hugs to you my dear! I will be hiding the bathroom most of the holidays too!
Fran, I know what you mean. it is so hard not to feel frustrated, and I will be thinking of you as you navigate Saturday. My first Christmas without Peyton was very difficult, I can't imagine this will be much better. Sending you lots of prayers for some sense of peace as you celebrate with family, but, if the day is too hard, and you need to leave or go the bathroom and cry, you do that. Peace xx
Thinking of you today, Franchesca, on the seven month mark for beautiful Jenna Belle. It's so hard and I'm thinking of you and praying for you to have strength and grace (and an empty bathroom if you need it for a bit of a cry) on Saturday. It sounds as though your family is very loving and I'm sure they'll understand that this is bittersweet for you and your husband. BTW, which wonderful babylost mum wrote on her blog about donating to a special charity for her baby? I love that idea. I always donate to Covenant House and I'm going to do that in George's memory.... xo
Praying for peace and even inexplicable joy for you in this season, Franchesca.
It is so easy to get angry when looking for something to take the cemetery...it happens to me all the time!
I have never thought about our babies spending Christmas in Heaven and how amazing it must be, I think that is one of the best thoughts I have ever read. Although I am like you to I wish my daughters could be here with me...it is a good thought!
Thinking of you!
Well, unfortnuately, God did not come back Franchesca. I would have been quite glad if He did. I'm ready for it. So I'm guessing you spend the morning shopping and I hope it went at least somewhat ok.
Today you are having the Christmas and I hope that goes ok too. Thinking of you.
It is a privelage that our daughters get to spend Christmas in heaven but it would be so nice to have them here with us, especially during Christmas. Hugs!
What a sweetheart. That's one thing that is nice about teaching. I feel like my students aren't afraid to ask about her or say her name. I'll never forget the child that ran up to me and with a huge embrace and said, I'm so sorry you didn't get to keep your baby. I wish every person could approach me with that way.
Glad you made it through. Does this mean you get to have some quiet time on Christmas Day?
Thank you for all of your kind words on my last few posts. Just like Mary said, I am so glad to know that my daughter is spending Christmas with so many other wonderful babies, like Jenna Belle.
Franchesca,
I'd love to send you Jenna's butterfly. Email me your address if you'd like. :)
Bree
I have 5 little nieces that I bought for this Christmas... I just turned it off while I was shopping but as I watched them open their gifts I thought, wow I will never see Evie wearing tutus and dress-up clothes... it was a heart-breaking realization. I do try to picture her with Jesus, and it makes me feel better! Thank you so much for your honest words =)
Lily
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