Christmas Day was eventful and unorthodox for what we usually do. We skipped town and spent the day away in San Antonio. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to skip the holiday altogether.
See, last year we made Christmas extra special and surprised both our parents with Jenna. For my parents, she was their first grandchild. We picked out bracelets for our mothers and a couple of gifts from Things Remembered for the grandfathers and engraved them "Grandma" and "Grandpa". When my mother unwrapped her gift, and realized what it meant she was screaming she was so happy. Everyone was. And yesterday, a year ago everyone's life changed. We awaited Jenna's coming together. We hoped and dreamed about her together. This year without her was devastating.
So my loving husband supported my idea to change things up and took us to San Antonio for a night. We stayed at a B&B (interesting experience), went to see a movie, did some souvenir shopping and enjoyed the Christmas decorations on the Riverwalk.
For lack of better terms, the *best* part about yesterday was that it didn't feel like Christmas. It was strange, and every time I thought about it, it struck me. I never imagined there'd be a day that Christmas would lose its magic, aroma, feeling, charisma... whatever it used to be about the season was gone this year.
In spite of the loss of the christmas-ey feeling, I enjoyed the day and felt blessed to have been Jenna's mother. I also felt so close to her. There was an emptiness the entire day, but I couldn't feel it. All I really felt yesterday was like she was right there with us, enjoying the lights. I missed her, but feeling and knowing she was a part of our Christmas helped a whole lot.
16 comments:
I think the holidays are always going to be hard for us, no matter how much time passes. It's so sad to think that the joy of the holidays are somewhat dampened forever.... I hope you and your husband are finding some semblance of peace and comfort and I pray for you as well, that 2010 brings everything your heart desires.
((HUGS))
Glad you and your husband had moments of joy and love while you went away. Remembering Jenna Belle with you and praying for continued peace and love for you during the Christmas season. xo
Good call to go to San Antonio and make a detour around Christmas. I too, could have skipped it this year. The sights and sounds were always my favorite...until now. I know we will always carry our babies in our hearts, but it sure does hurt to not have them in our arms.
Hugs, Love and Healing in the days ahead and may 2010 bring us a renewed sense of JOY,
Andrea
The card that Rachel made is beautiful. I too wanted to skip Christmas all together. If it wasn't for my two step-kids I probably would have. I just love how you surprised both your parents with Jenna. What a wonderful way for them to find out they would be grandma and grandpa. So sweet!
Glad you enjoyed San Antonio and got to see the Christmas decorations. Love the pictures you posted. It is wonderful that you felt so close to Jenna yesterday!!
It was such a strange Christmas... We did all the normal events, but that Christmas joy and warmth just wasn't there this year... I was ready for it to just be over as well.
My heart is with you, hopefully 2010 will bring many blessings and much joy =)
Lily
that's such a great idea! I had a HORRIBLE first Christmas after we lost Asher ... it was excruciating. We should have done something more like you two. But, we did the whole big family deal and later that night I bawled my eyes out ....
praying for you!
she was certainly with you all day! what a good time for you to just get away from all of the Christmas hu-bub.. it was my thought to do the exact same thing..and now I certainly wish I had.. hugs!
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thinking of you friend!!! I'm glad that you could enjoy the day. I used to think that the days leading up to such special days were sometimes worse than the actual day itself...
Hugs!
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Glad you enjoyed the day and sending you some {{HUGS}}
Beautiful pics
Caroline
I'm so glad you were able to get away. San Antonio is a neat place - I see you visited the Riverwalk - that was my favorite part when we went there.
I'm glad your day was as good as it could be and that you felt Jenna close to you. (((hugs)))
I couldn't put a word to explain Christmas either except for strange like you mentioned. Glad you were able to get away though.
*hugs*
I am so glad to hear that you and your husband were able to find some peace and time away. I can definately understand about Christmas loosing its magic. I understand that all too well. *hugs*
Christmas was very hard for me, too. I'm so glad you found peace and joy in being Jenna's mama--that's who you are and forever will be. Sending you hugs,
Christy
My heart aches with you as I think of the difference from last Christmas to this one in your family. I'm glad you enjoyed the day together, even amidst the pain of missing your sweet girl. It will not always hurt this much, dear friend.
Love and Prayers...
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