No, I am not looking forward to Christmas day.
And yes, I still miss my baby girl. Badly. That will never change.
I feel myself sinking again. It is mostly due to the encroaching holiday season. I love Christmas, and the fact that my husband and I got married 2 days before Christmas has to say something about our mutual love for the season. But right now the empty hole is gaping and it hurts. I know this is probably not helping anything, but my heart has to have a release valve and this is what it is right now. Blogging, blogging, blogging.
It seems that people IRL have been very mislead. Ever since Rainbow Baby has entered our lives, it seems Jenna's memory is is fading at an unstoppable rate. I want to tell them how much I still hurt, how much I still miss her, how I cry almost everyday on the way to work. Rainbow has not replaced my loss, my grief, my daughter. And I would never want it that way. I am still grieving. I have been blessed, but that does not budge this relentless grief.
The (sort-of?) good news is that the happy face is getting easier to put on. Some days it's not even just a face, it's real. But here lately I find myself putting it on because people want to focus on this beautiful Rainbow when they see me and shove the miserable, hard facts in the back. I find myself desperate to keep her alive in some way.
The cold, sterile grief that I never thought would pull back for a break of sunlight is gone. And for that I am thankful. But December is here. The season has a different aroma this year and it hardly feels like Christmas to me. Is the season redefining itself to me? Maybe somewhere along the way I have missed out on what it really should be about. I am open to change. But change is hard.
I don't know if I have ever mentioned it here before, but something I read from Rachel at Waiting for Morning was that she wouldn't let her girls' deaths ruin her. That statement has rung in my ears since the day I heard it, almost five months ago.
It is more of a challenge than anything else. With each new wind of sorrow, I am reminded how much beauty Jenna brought into my world. And I want it to stay that way. She left distinctively beautiful handprints in my life. I want them to serve a greater purpose, that God intended way back when she being formed in my womb.
So this December I will wrestle with the vicious reality that I cannot dress my baby girl in that velvet red dress with beautiful white lace. I cannot fix up her curly hair with a big, red matching bow.
All I can do is give this broken heart back to the One who knows just how badly I am crumbling inside as Christmas draws nearer and nearer.
14 comments:
I pray peace and hope to you, Franchesca. Hubby and I got married New Years Eve, so we also have a great love for the season, but it does feel so different this year.
You honor Jenna's memory by doing special things for other moms. When I look at Chase and Emma's Hope Collage everyday I not only think of them, I think of your Jenna as well. This blog that you keep in Jenna's memory shows how much you love her and also shows your pain. Your baby girl will always be remembered. xo
Jenna lives on in all of us here. Like Jill said, everytime we look at the beautiful collages you have created for us, we are reminded of your beautiful Jenna. We will never forget her.
I have always tried to keep this vision that all of our babies are playing together in heaven. As much as we miss them we will see them again...not as soon as we would like, but one sweet day. *hugs*
Praying for peace for you.
I pray for your peace.
What you do for all the ladies on here is what will always keep Jenna's memory alive.
hugs to you
I too find it hard when people assume I'm allbetter now that I'm pregnant again. I am still really grieving especially with the holidays here. Plus, everyday I wait for this to be taken away from me. I'm a nervous wreck. I really like that quote you shared. "I will not let this ruin me." I Struve fir that too, but it's so hard. Thinking of you and Jenna Belle.
Wishing you peace and strength as you get through this holiday season. Its a tough journey, i'm not going to lie. But you will get through it. If not for the people in your life, we (your blogging buddies) will hold you along the way. *hugs*
I wrestle with the same feeling Franchesca. I hope and pray that he gives you peace this holiday season, and know that you are being prayed for, thought about, and hugged all the way in Florida! Love and hugs....
I'm sorry. The holidays are so hard, I wish the people around you IRL understood. Just because there's a new baby coming into your world doesn't mean you miss Jenna any less. I think people would find it absurd if we asked them to forget & give away their oldest child if they had a second and yet that's what they expect us to do. I try to gently be honest with people when they ask how I'm feeling and how the pregnancy is going- it reminds them that Levi is still such a huge part of my life- and always will be. Just take these December days one day (or one moment) at a time!
Peace & love to you!
Isn't it such a bittersweet moment? Carrying your second child while still grieving over the child before. It is so hard to show one emotion without feeling guilty towards not showing the other. Such a battle that goes on in the heart and head. I will be praying and thinking about you as both of our rainbow babies grow in our wombs and in our hearts!
I am keeping you in my prayers. My rainbow hasn't come yet, but I can only imagine the mixture of emotions that must accompany it.
No, a new baby definitely does not replace Jenna or the feelings of grief that you have. I hope that the people in your life can realize that and not forget that Jenna is still very much a part of you. I hope that a little joy will find you this Christmas season.
Jenna will never be forgotten or replaced. December is a really hard month for us too... Kasey grew his wings (Dec 19)the day before he was supposed to be born, Dec 20. Our anniversary is the 27. I used to love this season, the only reason it manageable is that we go on vacation every year the week before xmas and come home a few days after new years. You are strong for trying to live to that quote everyday. Sending you lots of hugs and thinking of your sweet Jenna!
your last sentence is just beautiful... and I can totally relate...
praying for you.
I relate to so much of what you said in this post, Franchesca. I know, it's so hard to be celebrating Christmas without Jenna here. I know carrying your rainbow baby doesn't in any way take away from the pain of missing Jenna, I have been feeling that so strongly myself lately, and just wishing others understood. It's so comforting to know that we all have each other, and all of us do understand. And, as your last sentence says, that's all we can do, is just keep giving it back over to God, who understands better than anyone. He had to give up His son for a while, and it all began one Christmas...
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