Jenna Belle's Ornament

We finally moved into our first new home (YAY!) and setting up house has been a bittersweet experience. For the most part, it has been a nice - really nice - distraction. But on the other hand I shouldn't be even close to finishing the unpacking. I should be baby-proofing everything.

There should be a beautiful, almost-seven month old baby girl at my side, taking up my time. And I get to wondering if I will always look at this empty hole and wonder about all the what-ifs and should-have-beens...

*sigh*

But it is what it is.

Whether I like it or not.

We started the Christmas tree... it's crooked like our last one. I'd ask my husband to fix it, but after we tried to a few nights ago, I just decided that it makes life interesting :) And the need to be a perfectionist just isn't that important anymore...

At my church we have a Christian sorority for the young women. We each have secret sisters that we encourage through letters, pray for and give small gifts to. We have a special place where we leave these gifts in our church to keep it discreet.

Well I have no idea who she is, but my secret sister is just FABULOUS. She bought me this ornament...

Sorry the picture is kind of dark, but isn't it beautiful!!!! So my Jenna has three ornaments now... my beautiful, beautiful Jenna Belle.

(It is from Things Remembered if you are looking for that perfect ornament :)

Dear Jenna Belle...

I hardly say thank you, but there it is

You left to soon

I hope you understand.

I really am thankful

but I am so different now

Shattered,

and my eyes are open.

You visited my world so briefly
but I'd do it all over again

I got to meet you, hold you, love you

Yes, I really would.

Somehow the bad memories

have faded, or maybe I just blocked them out

Temporarily

Hopefully for good.

I rest in the precious ones.

You opened your little eyes,

You moved so much

Gave us hope

And taught us love.

Without a single word

you changed my entire life

taught me more than I could ever learn

any other way.

And without a single word or cry

you slipped into eternity
but that brief visit made all the difference

And I am forever thankful

that you are mine.

Split Wide Open

"Split Wide Open"

Oil on canvas, diptych

2007

by me

I am split wide open

My heartache is on display

My mask is coming back slowly

But somedays it's difficult to fake

How important my life used to seem

All the dreams that I hoped for one day

Art school, grad school, painting was my life

The colors have all faded

Into tones of grey and white.

I thought I knew heartache

a few years ago,

but I realized the preface

could not compare to this empty hole.

I have a scar that just won't heal

It takes time, they say

But do they know my pain runs deep

that reminders hit me everyday?

My mind used to think in colors,

and create murals of landscapes in daydreams

I have been changed, wanting ever to escape

From the dry reality around me

And in all my heartache

I can be thankful that my time with her was real

I am better for having her visit my world

She graced my life gently, briefly,

but still she was here.

I am split wide open

I want this wound to be healed

I know the scar will always be there

For true love can never be concealed.

Sting of Death and the grave

I found out that the sting is not gone. I stared at the one picture of her that we have displayed and my mind drifted. To my hopeless abyss.

I told God my heart hurts because of how sick she was.

The sting is not gone.

I cried and I felt guilty. How can I let myself experience joy when my feet are failing me in this slippery slope to that pit?

I don't want to go back there. The pit where hatred, anger, massive amounts of guilt, and confusion were my miserable comforters.

I don't want to go back there.

I heard her whisper you don't have to cry for me to know how much you love me.

But isn't crying my way of displaying my brokenness? Isn't crying my only outlet sometimes? Isn't crying a sign of how much I really loved and love her?

Is crying the only way to let her know I will never be okay and complete? Will she know regardless that she took a literal piece of my heart and that it's emptiness cries out when my eyes are dried up?

???

But today six months she has been gone. I felt her so strong today. I hope that doesn't sound ridiculous, corny or superficial. I believe more than ever that she is alive. She is alive to me. Of course, not in the way we see things. The Bible says "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I was reminded of that verse as I thought about how I truly feel about her presence. She is dead in body, but very much alive in spirit.

I went to see her today, we both did and I think today was the first time I really believed that she isn't there. I used to feel guilty leaving the grave. Horrible, unadulterated guilt, even just driving by the cemetery. I think it will continue to be a battle of reality and illusion. Her body is dead but her spirit and soul are soaring. Soaring through the clouds, through the sunshine, through Heaven, making little visits daily to our world. She isn't there.

She isn't there. She is right here with me as I long for her, make myself crazy thinking about her, often taking steps backwards in this healing process. I know she is here. I don't know if I have explained this as keen as I feel it. Probably not. But what if it's just me and some limitation on my part that I can't see her.

We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

2 Corinthians 5:8  

 

Hope Collage's 100th post

I would like to share my 100th post on Abiding Hope Collages with you. You can read about it here. I didn't know what to do at first with the "100th" post on that site, whether to let it slide by unannounced or to make it memorable. The Lord gave me an idea and I hope you like it as much as I do.

I am thankful for...

I read Jen's blog for her precious Ella earlier today and I suddenly became aware of how blessed I am to be "surrounded" with this group of incredible women that I have met through the most unfortunate circumstances. I'd trade it all in a heartbeat (selfish, but true) to have my Jenna here, but I feel that I would be so lost without being able to connect with others who "get" this awful roller coaster of losing a child.

Jen had a beautiful post about being thankful in light of the holidays and how difficult they will be without our angels. She invited anybody who wants to, to play along. You can read her post about being thankful here.

Thank you, Holly, for the pictures you sent me of my Jenna's name! It was so unexpected and I heart surprises (who doesn't!)

I made a slide show of all the pictures of Jenna's name I have received (and made myself =))

Thank you, Lea for the angel wings

Thank you Bree for the Jenna's butterfly

Thank you MaryBeth for lighting a candle for my Jenna Belle

Thank you Carly for writing my Jenna's name in the sand

All of these have made my crying heart smile while my world has been shattered.

Wednesdays for Wyatt

Here we go! Our third Wednesday for Wyatt! It’s quite simple to participate. All you have to do is copy and paste this post on your blog, and come back here to link up with MckLinky! Once you do that, your all set to win a great giveaway.

So far, we are up to 1,443 signatures! Lets try to keep them steadily rolling in.

For those of you who are not familiar with my family and what we are trying to achieve, here’s a brief run down...

Our son Wyatt was diagnosed with a fatal condition at our 18 week ultrasound, but chose to carry him to term. We waited to meet our son with love, all the time praying we would get to see him alive.

On June 1, 2009, Wyatt made his way into the world by c-section. To our amazement he had a faint heartbeat and was breathing! He died two minutes later, but I’ve clung to the two minutes my son and I breathed the same air since his passing.

Upon calling to get a copy of Wyatt’s birth certificate, I found out he was listed as a stillborn. You would assume it was a mistake (like I did), but there was no mistake. According to the definition of live birth in Tennessee my son was not “alive enough” to be deemed a live born baby. His two minutes of life has gone unrecognized by my state, and I intend to change this piece of legislation so I can solidify the validity of my son’s short life.

Wednesdays for Wyatt was created to help spread awareness for a law that needs to be changed, as well as to generate more traffic to my petition. So if you’re reading this, thanks for taking the time to help our family!

This contest will be open today only. I will close MckLinky down sometime before midnight, so make sure you get linked up ASAP to make sure you are entered to win this giveaway! Thanks for helping everyone, and good luck.

More Closure

I finally got her death certificate. No idea why it took so long other than the fact that there was a hold up in Vital Statistics in Austin. Anyway, I wanted to jot this down. Remember this day. It was sad looking at it. I went to go pick them up and again that disbelief and awe struck me. But they recognized her life. It meant so much to see those 13 days on the certificate. I know that must sound absurd, but it just confirms the reality of her existence that often feels so far away. One day... one day... someday I will finish her scrapbook in a more healthy and capable mind and I think I am going to include a copy of her birth and death certificate along with her SS card. One day.

Sometimes

Sometimes...

I look around and fall right into place into this new reality, new normal -  whatever it is we like to call it.

Sometimes...

I hide behind the facade of everyday life and I am really not okay.

Sometimes...

I hate that others have no idea she existed when they look at me.

Sometimes...

I dread other peoples' remarks and questions.

Sometimes...

Her memory is too precious to share with people who never met her.

Sometimes...

I want to cry because I want to live in the past with her.

Sometimes...

I would rather be a bird and escape this pain.

Sometimes...

I just want to die to see her again.

Sometimes...

Sunny days are pure bliss because it is a break from my shattered, dark world.

Sometimes...

I wonder if lightning strikes twice where I live.

Sometimes...

Her memory brings nothing but a smile.

More often than not - lately -

I am in disbelief. It's then that I realize that this is my life. (sigh)

Thank You, April

Thank you, April for this Christmas ornament! I absolutely love it. It was incredibly thoughtful. I will definitely be hanging it on our (hopefully) real tree this year! =)

Hand-painted with love by April, so perfect just like my Jenna!

I

Secret Garden Meeting - October

The Secret Garden is a place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

This grief no doubt has many unexpected turns and twists. The longer I'm on this journey to hopefully healing, the more I realize the permanence of this loss. More than anger and frustration, I am being swallowed up in sadness. The guilt has been left behind for the most part, along with being angry at God or anybody else. It's just sadness right now. But I'm not even a crying mess, like I was a few weeks ago. The sadness creeps in while I'm teaching, driving, working, in conversation with someone, cleaning, sleeping, dreaming, anything really. It's always there in the back of my head, and it is the burden that weighs me down. I get to wondering if it will always be this way? 

I am in some twisted way learning to accept this fate. She's in Heaven, me still here, but even in acceptance the loss is wearisome. The sadness is derived mostly from how far time has taken me away from her life, and those moments I got to know her. Lately, it's not so much over the things I missed out on with her. Don't get me wrong, those things make me sad when I get reminded, but that's a bottomless pit of disaster every time I go there. Because there is no end to what I missed out on had I had the chance to raise her.



So this is me. Sad. Sad. Sad. Along with this sadness, there is a burning desire to cherish those moments I had with her. Even in the pregnancy, after hearing all the bad news, I still enjoyed her so much. I never let myself stay sad when I was carrying her, or watching her in the NICU. Maybe I am making up for it now? Who knows... I feel that there are never enough ways to honor her life. I strive to honor her life through mine, living in the moment, and loving life. 


I'm crazy excited about getting to start her memory garden in a few weeks. And by next summer I will be able to crack open my paints again! I want to be free again to remember my daughter and not be constrained by sadness. My loss was her gain, and I want to live like it.

So, have I found peace? Yes. I really have. The peace is ever present as I keep my eyes fixed on the One who can heal me completely one day.

The Missing Pumpkin

Today, as we have done each month, we did a balloon release for Jenna. We like to watch them go up into the sky, and float closer to her in her new Home. Well today was also my first time giving her silk flowers rather than real ones. It made me sad because fresh flowers just have a scent and certain texture... but each time I returned, I would see dead flowers on her grave, which was just sorrow on top of sorrow. I am actually growing to love the concept of silk over real ones for this reason. They will still be vibrant and beautiful in a week or so!

On top of the flowers and balloons, I was going to bring Jenna a pumpkin. I bought her a fake one from Hobby Lobby (which was really small, about the size of an apple). I was fixing to leave to work when I found my kitty Belle playing with it, so she ran off with it but I finally got it from her and placed it by my purse and laptop. I rushed to the bathroom for make-up or something and forgot all about the pumpkin. I gathered my things, shoved them into my car and realized the pumpkin was missing. That was two days ago... I still cannot find the pumpkin! So somewhere in this house there is a pumpkin that my cat hid from me.

Bad kitty...!

Where Were You?

I woke up this morning with this weight on my brain, on my heart, on my soul.

Where were You, God? When we found out she hadn't been growing like the other babies?

Where were You? Were You helping someone else?

Crying with me?

Gone?

Where were You God? When each visit after five months offered no consolation? No hope?

Where were You? Holding my hand?

Knowing there'd be a brighter day?

Letting my world decay right before my eyes?

Where were You, God? When April came and they put me in the hospital? Bedrest, thinking at least we still have hope?

Where were You? Giving up on us?

Teaching us a lesson?

Crying too, because You knew my heart was about to be shattered?

Where were You, God? When two weeks in bedrest failed our attempt to help her grow?

Where were You? Singing sweet songs to my Jenna?

Sending angels to be by our side?

Holding the shaky ground we were on together?

Where were You, God? When the doctor told me that Jenna might die during delivery?

Where were You? That room was cold and lifeless...

Were you waiting for the inevitable?

I want to know You.

Where were You, God? When the doctors kept throwing hopelessness into our ears?

Where were You? I longed for the miracle that never came.

Were You looking at the big picture?

Whispering sweet comfort to my Jenna in her isolette?

Where were You, God? When they told us there was no more that could be done?

Where were You? The medications were maxed out and still life was escaping her body.

Were You telling her it wouldn't be long before she'd be whole?

Were Your angels singing to her as she entered Heaven?

Where were You, God? I had to hold my daughter's lifeless body.

Where were You? The reality of Heaven was suddenly so bleak.

Were You there and I just couldn't feel it?

Carrying my crushed spirit and holding my empty hands?

Where were You, God? When I left the place she was born?

Where were You? I had nothing to show for, all those months I'd worked so hard for her life.

Crying for the fallen world that we live in?

Were you broken-hearted, too?

Where were You, God? It's been a long road.

Have You kept Your promises and not left my side?

Have You cried with me each time that I do?

Have You seen all my tears?

Tomorrow she would have been six months, but I am filled with these rhetorical questions. Six months seems like a lifetime ago. Six months has never gone by faster in my life. Six months...

I'll admit I'm Rambling

I just can't wait to see you again... I thought about Jesus coming back all day and how then we could be together again... I just miss you. Then to top it off, the preacher, Brother Thompson preached about the second coming of Christ, imagine that. God must have knew I needed that. I hope it's sooner than later. Missing you like crazy.