I found out that the sting is not gone. I stared at the one picture of her that we have displayed and my mind drifted. To my hopeless abyss.
I told God my heart hurts because of how sick she was.
The sting is not gone.
I cried and I felt guilty. How can I let myself experience joy when my feet are failing me in this slippery slope to that pit?
I don't want to go back there. The pit where hatred, anger, massive amounts of guilt, and confusion were my miserable comforters.
I don't want to go back there.
I heard her whisper you don't have to cry for me to know how much you love me.
But isn't crying my way of displaying my brokenness? Isn't crying my only outlet sometimes? Isn't crying a sign of how much I really loved and love her?
Is crying the only way to let her know I will never be okay and complete? Will she know regardless that she took a literal piece of my heart and that it's emptiness cries out when my eyes are dried up?
???
But today six months she has been gone. I felt her so strong today. I hope that doesn't sound ridiculous, corny or superficial. I believe more than ever that she is alive. She is alive to me. Of course, not in the way we see things. The Bible says "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I was reminded of that verse as I thought about how I truly feel about her presence. She is dead in body, but very much alive in spirit.
I went to see her today, we both did and I think today was the first time I really believed that she isn't there. I used to feel guilty leaving the grave. Horrible, unadulterated guilt, even just driving by the cemetery. I think it will continue to be a battle of reality and illusion. Her body is dead but her spirit and soul are soaring. Soaring through the clouds, through the sunshine, through Heaven, making little visits daily to our world. She isn't there.
She isn't there. She is right here with me as I long for her, make myself crazy thinking about her, often taking steps backwards in this healing process. I know she is here. I don't know if I have explained this as keen as I feel it. Probably not. But what if it's just me and some limitation on my part that I can't see her.
We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.
2 Corinthians 5:8
13 comments:
(((Hugs)))
Feeling for you and remembering with you. Even with faith, it's hard not to long to have our babies with us now.
we had our baby cremated. and as we left the crematory, right after they placed her casket inside, i kissed my hands and placed them on the wall, and said outloud.. it's not really her. she's not there.
i want my baby.
im so sorry.
They whom we love and lose are no longer where they were before. They are now wherever we are. -St John Chrysostom
xx
Where ever you believe she is, is where she is. 6 months is too long..i'll be there with you next month, right before Christmas. Thinking of sweet Jenna today. *hugs*
I am thinking of you and praying for you today!! Pray you will be blessed!
She is with you all the time. She is guiding you as you start your project for the NICU, she is all around ((HUGS))
I believe our babies are always with us.
I'm glad you felt her close to you.
I can relate very much to your struggles of visiting your daughter's grave. I still can't bring myself to just drive by. And I also struggle with going there and finding peace. And just the horrific thoughts of her being in the ground.
Wishing you strength as you pass through the six-month mark.
6 months was very intense for me. I hope it passes gently for you Francesca. I think the tears are an important way we parent our missing children - an expression of absolute love.
Many times I don't want to go there either. I don't want to slip backwards, but I also know that it's gonna happen sometimes.
I know when I visit Carleigh I don't feel her there, but I visit anyway.
Thinking of Jenna as 6 months passes...
Sometimes i feel Peyton, others I am so painfully alone. Thinking of you as you mark six months without your beautiful girl. Sending you hugs to help you through this very difficult date. I wish she was here with you.
Thinking of you and Jenna. xx
I think it was on Carly's site that I first read the notion that they ARE with us, we just can't see them. That has helped me get through some days. Wanting Chase with me as bad as I do, I have to think of him as being here, we just can't see him....it's so hard.
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