I woke up this morning with this weight on my brain, on my heart, on my soul.
Where were You, God? When we found out she hadn't been growing like the other babies?
Where were You? Were You helping someone else?
Crying with me?
Gone?
Where were You God? When each visit after five months offered no consolation? No hope?
Where were You? Holding my hand?
Knowing there'd be a brighter day?
Letting my world decay right before my eyes?
Where were You, God? When April came and they put me in the hospital? Bedrest, thinking at least we still have hope?
Where were You? Giving up on us?
Teaching us a lesson?
Crying too, because You knew my heart was about to be shattered?
Where were You, God? When two weeks in bedrest failed our attempt to help her grow?
Where were You? Singing sweet songs to my Jenna?
Sending angels to be by our side?
Holding the shaky ground we were on together?
Where were You, God? When the doctor told me that Jenna might die during delivery?
Where were You? That room was cold and lifeless...
Were you waiting for the inevitable?
I want to know You.
Where were You, God? When the doctors kept throwing hopelessness into our ears?
Where were You? I longed for the miracle that never came.
Were You looking at the big picture?
Whispering sweet comfort to my Jenna in her isolette?
Where were You, God? When they told us there was no more that could be done?
Where were You? The medications were maxed out and still life was escaping her body.
Were You telling her it wouldn't be long before she'd be whole?
Were Your angels singing to her as she entered Heaven?
Where were You, God? I had to hold my daughter's lifeless body.
Where were You? The reality of Heaven was suddenly so bleak.
Were You there and I just couldn't feel it?
Carrying my crushed spirit and holding my empty hands?
Where were You, God? When I left the place she was born?
Where were You? I had nothing to show for, all those months I'd worked so hard for her life.
Crying for the fallen world that we live in?
Were you broken-hearted, too?
Where were You, God? It's been a long road.
Have You kept Your promises and not left my side?
Have You cried with me each time that I do?
Have You seen all my tears?
Tomorrow she would have been six months, but I am filled with these rhetorical questions. Six months seems like a lifetime ago. Six months has never gone by faster in my life. Six months...
14 comments:
Oh Franchesca, such hard questions to have to ask, and I wish I knew all the answers. I wish we could catch just a glimpse of life from God's perspective, and understand his ways. There is just so much we can only wonder about this side of heaven. Thinking of you and praying, I guess we're both up late tonight.
Hugs and Blessings!
I too wonder why my prayers weren't answered. It is so hard to think about. Happy 6 months sweet Jenna. xx
I know so many questions and no real answers. It makes things tough but I'm praying for you my friend. Happy 6 months Jenna.
Thinking about beautiful Jenna at 6 months xx
Happy 6 months sweet beautiful Jenna!! Send Mommy and Daddy some extra love so they may feel your spirit during this time.
oh my - I am in tears... I remember these feelings so well. Wondering just where God was and why I couldn't feel Him. I am praying for you and praying for comfort. I have learned that God is always there beside us ... even when we can't feel, hear, or see Him. He loves you deeply...
Just wanted to say that when I read this post the song The Love of God was playing. So fitting.
Happy 6 month birthday Jenna!! How sweet Heaven is with you there!
I too wonder where God was when I was holding onto anything I could, hoping to have him save my babies and listen to our prayers. Beautiful post, Franchesca. **tears**
Happy 6 months, Jenna! Thinking about you and all of our angels in the sky. xoxo
I too ask these questions! 6 months was hard (harder)for me (well lets be honest they all are hard)Happy 6 months sweet Jenna. ((hugs))
So well written...so very true..I wonder these exact things. We are walking a very similiar path together..it will be 6 months on the 14th for us.
Thinking of your precious girl and sending you peaceful and loving thoughts xxxxxxxx
I have asked such similar questions. I still am. With love and gentleness on Jenna's 6 month forever day.
I know Jenna is whole and in heaven. And I know you are broken and in hell. He was there. He is still here. Even though it hurts so bad. BIG hugs, Franchesca. I'm crying with you. xxxooo
I could feel the weight of the evil one, whispering fear and reckless thoughts of worry into my mind. I remembered for a moment the memory that threatened me constantly. Where was God when... I hated that feeling, I hated that thought. It shook me to my core. One day I heard the same painful thought that I heard constantly since the day my mother died. Where was God when...
One day I got an answer. One day a solution. God was with me. He was with me in a way that satan would have me not see. Here is what satan wanted me to see: I was alone the moment I sat on my uncle's knee, at midnight, in a stranger's home. Confused, baffled that he was there, in shock as he told me the words, "mommy went to heaven to see Jesus." I still see my brother's expression. I am afraid. What's happening? When will she be back? I wonder. She didn't say goodbye. She left me all alone.
But the truth of God is that Jesus WAS there with me. His tall strong spirit knelt in front of me, with His loving hands on my shoulder and face. In the reflection of His eyes, my mother smiled and waved goodbye. She loved me. She left me in His hands. I was not alone. His spirit has been with me. I am alive by His choice, for His purpose. He is not who satan wants us to see.
What seemed like emptiness in my memory was actually the place that I didn't understand how to see, that place satan would have me blind to. The place where God really was. I know He stood by me, I know His hand was on my shoulder, His eyes on my eyes, as I wailed and screamed when I delivered Samantha Grace. I know His compassionate love was there as He sorrowed with my sorrow, and held me close. I know He was sitting next to me as I looked at my tiny daughter's fingers and toes. I won't believe the lie. God was with me. I asked, Where were you? Where are you? Are you with me? And He answered. "I am."
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