Split Wide Open

"Split Wide Open"

Oil on canvas, diptych

2007

by me

I am split wide open

My heartache is on display

My mask is coming back slowly

But somedays it's difficult to fake

How important my life used to seem

All the dreams that I hoped for one day

Art school, grad school, painting was my life

The colors have all faded

Into tones of grey and white.

I thought I knew heartache

a few years ago,

but I realized the preface

could not compare to this empty hole.

I have a scar that just won't heal

It takes time, they say

But do they know my pain runs deep

that reminders hit me everyday?

My mind used to think in colors,

and create murals of landscapes in daydreams

I have been changed, wanting ever to escape

From the dry reality around me

And in all my heartache

I can be thankful that my time with her was real

I am better for having her visit my world

She graced my life gently, briefly,

but still she was here.

I am split wide open

I want this wound to be healed

I know the scar will always be there

For true love can never be concealed.

Where Were You?

I woke up this morning with this weight on my brain, on my heart, on my soul.

Where were You, God? When we found out she hadn't been growing like the other babies?

Where were You? Were You helping someone else?

Crying with me?

Gone?

Where were You God? When each visit after five months offered no consolation? No hope?

Where were You? Holding my hand?

Knowing there'd be a brighter day?

Letting my world decay right before my eyes?

Where were You, God? When April came and they put me in the hospital? Bedrest, thinking at least we still have hope?

Where were You? Giving up on us?

Teaching us a lesson?

Crying too, because You knew my heart was about to be shattered?

Where were You, God? When two weeks in bedrest failed our attempt to help her grow?

Where were You? Singing sweet songs to my Jenna?

Sending angels to be by our side?

Holding the shaky ground we were on together?

Where were You, God? When the doctor told me that Jenna might die during delivery?

Where were You? That room was cold and lifeless...

Were you waiting for the inevitable?

I want to know You.

Where were You, God? When the doctors kept throwing hopelessness into our ears?

Where were You? I longed for the miracle that never came.

Were You looking at the big picture?

Whispering sweet comfort to my Jenna in her isolette?

Where were You, God? When they told us there was no more that could be done?

Where were You? The medications were maxed out and still life was escaping her body.

Were You telling her it wouldn't be long before she'd be whole?

Were Your angels singing to her as she entered Heaven?

Where were You, God? I had to hold my daughter's lifeless body.

Where were You? The reality of Heaven was suddenly so bleak.

Were You there and I just couldn't feel it?

Carrying my crushed spirit and holding my empty hands?

Where were You, God? When I left the place she was born?

Where were You? I had nothing to show for, all those months I'd worked so hard for her life.

Crying for the fallen world that we live in?

Were you broken-hearted, too?

Where were You, God? It's been a long road.

Have You kept Your promises and not left my side?

Have You cried with me each time that I do?

Have You seen all my tears?

Tomorrow she would have been six months, but I am filled with these rhetorical questions. Six months seems like a lifetime ago. Six months has never gone by faster in my life. Six months...

You Kept All My Tears

The day Jenna died and I walked away from the hospital with empty arms

I cried so many tears my face hurt and my soul felt dead

Life was changed

Death was real

And I wondered if

anybody knew about my tears.

The day of the funeral came

And I wondered why I had to go through all this,

I cried on the way there and all through the service

I cried and we couldn't even drive ourselves to the gravesite

I began convincing myself

that nobody knew about my tears.

Slowly the world began to shift and my ground became unstable

Unable to keep pace with the rest of the world

I fell behind

And I was convinced

that nobody knows about my tears.

I hide behind closed doors and rush out of crowds

Tears build up

Behind sore eyes and a shattered spirit

Forced into this secret society of broken hearts

And I am convinced

that nobody knows about my tears.

I grieve my loss of motherhood

The need to hold her makes me sore

The feeling that I have been robbed

Every time a mother holds her living baby closely

I am convinced

that nobody knows about my tears.

Driving home my mind starts to wander

What she would have been like?

How she should be in the backseat

Snuggled safely in that 4-door sedan I picked over a year ago because we wanted her...

I am convinced

that nobody knows about my tears.

The scar that my body wears replays that night she was born

How it happened, and why

The scar that means she happened

Too quickly...

I am convinced

that nobody knows about my tears.

I sit alone most days

Avoiding the inevitable and meaningless conversations

That I just cannot care about

I feel I am losing myself in this grief

I am convinced

that nobody knows about my tears.

But someday when I die, Lord,

You tell me that you knew

You didn't let my tears dry up on the ground,

You kept them close to you.

In that bottle where our tears our stored

To show us just how much you cared

You saw me cry every time I convinced myself

that nobody knew...

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?  

Psalms 56:8

Glass House

This glass house might break; don't ask me how I'm doing

I might really tell you how much I'm really hurting

You say you miss the old me but she is gone and buried

I'm learning to find the peace of mind where this glass house can feel safe again

The place that used to stand so strong is now moved with the slightest wind

Ever mindful of the pain that endlessly wounds and weakens the foundation

This glass house is transparent and clear, unable to hide

the fragments left over and the emptiness inside

The warmth and security left when the veil fell down that day

I have no strength to mask the heartache that is on display

While I don't want to share my grief with all

It's impossible to contain the pain, the guilt, the loss

So I am destined to identify with this fragile state of mind

A glass house in essence, but fragile in real life

Don't expect me to take the steps you think I should be taking

I'm fragile and I could break if I rush because you make me

The heart that once knew perfection is buried, you see

And this glass house can't help but show this burden of grief I carry.

Franchesca Cox

My Heart (not written by me...)

Go ahead and mention my child
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you'd mention my child
Knowing that she has been missed.

You asked me how I'm doing.
I say "Pretty good" or "fine,"
But healing is something on-going
I feel it will take a lifetime.


By Elizabeth Dent

Name in the Ground

I never thought it would be this way
To see her name in the ground
To visit my firstborn in the heat of the day
and see her name like this
Beautiful
Morbid
Feelings of utter disgust


Something inside just can't see past
That part of me that let her down
Put she's ok today
I know she is
My heart weeps daily for the one that I love
She brought sunshine and love
Smiles and a whole bunch of hurt
When she left this earth.


It wasn't supposed to be like this
She should have buried me
Someday faraway
She should have picked my headstone
And the flowers and funeral arrange
But God had a bigger plan
Still not able to see it clearly


Maybe someday is not that far away
To see my precious one again
Each day feels like an eternity
Stretching my patience and sympathy
Trying my faith and peace of mind
Daily
Constant
Here I find His hand sufficient


When all inside me has failed
Failed myself
My firstborn
My dreams
My life


Here I find His grace
and love
The sweet comfort down inside
But there are days when I feel alone
Today I saw her name in the ground
Alone and beautiful all the same
It wasn't supposed to be like this


I should have been monogramming her name on pillows or sheets
Blankets or bags
Not on a headstone.
Not like this
Today the emptiness is drowning
This tide of sorrow blinds my sight
And I wait for tomorrow's hope.

A More Perfect Love

I see your tears

When noone else does

I know how you miss me

And the emptiness you feel

I wish sometimes I could tell you

How I really am ok

How Heaven is far sweeter than words can tell

How precious the Lord is and I'm at home

Where all is well

I know that doesn't soften the blow

I know that doesn't dry your eyes

But if I could tell you just one thing

It would be that in Heaven there's just a more perfect love

A love that dries tears

A love that stands still

A love that doesn't know time

A love that forgets the woes of this life

And while you miss me being in your arms

I miss you too

But time hasn't torn a hole in my heart yet,

It's not been but a few moments

that I have been gone

The place where we one day will meet

Is closer than it feels

And me, your precious Angel

Am closer than you think

The life that I lived reached our Father's will

Far sooner than you would have chosen

But from Heaven the big picture is clear

And there's no doubt behind it there is perfection

The love that fills your heart for me

Does not go unseen

The tears you cry because I'm not there

Will be dried in Heaven

The longing that haunts you with emptiness

Will one day be restored

But Mother, in my new home

There is just a more perfect love

-written August 16, 2009

First Dream

I wish I could dream about you
like before
Before the fifth, before the NICU, before the nightmare.
Only it wasn't a nightmare.

We lived it didn't we?
You made it out alright
I'm not sure I did
Lots of rain, even when its sunny
And there are storm clouds even on a "good" day

Weak smiles, guilty laughter
Just know I always miss you
Life demands I keep on going
Even when I want to stop
I have to keep surviving

My sweet precious Jenna Belle
Your days will always be remembered
Your death I won't let ruin me
So when I seem like I'm alright
Struggling to show the deep corners of my heart

It sinks everyday,
but for you, because of Christ
It will be ok
Just know I always miss you
You will always be our firstborn
And not forgotten

The house you never lived in feels empty
And that chokes me to tears
My heart cries when my eyes can't
Loneliness in a crowd is such a paradox
But it's real.

Part of the sorrow is comforting
The part of you that lives in me
How I wish it could be you kicking me inside instead!
Useless wishing
I better just be thankful

You held on
You fought
No, I haven't forgotten
You saw us and you loved us.

A lifetime ago
But not really
I hate that time steals the tenderness of it all
The world is forgetting, but not me
My heart stands still as the world around me spins

My dear child, my first dream
First hopes, first steps
First words
First haircut
They would have been our firsts.

Someday I might wake up in a better place
Far from heartache
Tears
Broken smiles
Lost joy and bittersweet memories

But if that's what it takes to remember you
You're worth it
Life is precious
Heaven is sweeter,
My precious daughter.