I never thought it would be this way
To see her name in the ground
To visit my firstborn in the heat of the day
and see her name like this
Beautiful
Morbid
Feelings of utter disgust
Something inside just can't see past
That part of me that let her down
Put she's ok today
I know she is
My heart weeps daily for the one that I love
She brought sunshine and love
Smiles and a whole bunch of hurt
When she left this earth.
It wasn't supposed to be like this
She should have buried me
Someday faraway
She should have picked my headstone
And the flowers and funeral arrange
But God had a bigger plan
Still not able to see it clearly
Maybe someday is not that far away
To see my precious one again
Each day feels like an eternity
Stretching my patience and sympathy
Trying my faith and peace of mind
Daily
Constant
Here I find His hand sufficient
When all inside me has failed
Failed myself
My firstborn
My dreams
My life
Here I find His grace
and love
The sweet comfort down inside
But there are days when I feel alone
Today I saw her name in the ground
Alone and beautiful all the same
It wasn't supposed to be like this
I should have been monogramming her name on pillows or sheets
Blankets or bags
Not on a headstone.
Not like this
Today the emptiness is drowning
This tide of sorrow blinds my sight
And I wait for tomorrow's hope.
7 comments:
So true. It shouldn't be like this. Her stone is beautiful and I love the little horse on it.
"Today the emptiness is drowning
This tide of sorrow blinds my sight"
I have been feeling this way today too, sending you love and prayers for a peace in your heart. Your little Jenna's stone is just beautiful. The passage you chose is perfect.
(((hugs)))
The woman who founded Morning Light Ministry talked with me in July. She shared with me her realization that lamentation is a form of prayer. That's what came to my mind as I read your blog just now. I'm lamenting with you and for your Jenna Belle.
A beautiful poem. You write so beautifully, Franchesca. I am still choosing Chase's headstone. I'm so glad you shared this. Yes, she should have been the one picking out your headstone one day, this--this order is simply not right.
Christy
So true my friend & a beautiful poem. It was so nice to share that. I pray for you so much, {{HUGS}}
Caroline
This is so true - you captured all the feelings that go along with the loss of your first child. I hate September. My first son died on the 16th. Everything about this month reminds me of him and the utter devastation I felt 3 years ago. You expressed the feeling so well ... thank you.
I am praying for you and your heart today.
Yes. It should be blankets and sheets. It seems so terribly unfair that you've had to lay this beautiful headstone for your beautiful Jenna. Sending much love and wishing for tomorrow's hope for you, me and all of us.
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