I Heart Birdies

I am posting this in response to Danielle's post about what reminds us about our babies. Please visit Danielle's blog to partake in this post and/ or read other mamas' stories.

I have a lot of little reminders that follow me everywhere I go. There are times that it hurts like CRAZY and there are times that it brings me pure joy, because I have the privilege of being a mother. I will always be a mother, even if I never have another child. It does something for me that I can say that I have a daughter. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing I would like more than to just hold her again, but it was an honor to get to be by her side those 13 days and know that she knew me as her mother.

The biggest reminder for me are birds. Flying birds, sitting birds, cartoon birds...

When my husband told me years ago that he wanted to name our first girl Jenna, I liked the name, but I was not crazy about it. His little cousin is named Jenna and he just fell in love with the name. I agreed to it since it meant so much to him and I hadn't thought too much about baby names at all.

When we found out the baby I was carrying was a girl, there was no debate. We named her Jenna and scoured to the end of the earth for the perfect middle name. I would later find out that Jenna means "small bird".

How incredibly perfect for our 1 lb, 1 oz miracle of pure joy.

Ponies also remind me of my angel. Her grandfather promised her a pony when she turned five while she in the NICU. He really meant it too. He would have spoiled her rotten. =)

Thank you for reading about my Jenna

Name in the Ground

I never thought it would be this way
To see her name in the ground
To visit my firstborn in the heat of the day
and see her name like this
Beautiful
Morbid
Feelings of utter disgust


Something inside just can't see past
That part of me that let her down
Put she's ok today
I know she is
My heart weeps daily for the one that I love
She brought sunshine and love
Smiles and a whole bunch of hurt
When she left this earth.


It wasn't supposed to be like this
She should have buried me
Someday faraway
She should have picked my headstone
And the flowers and funeral arrange
But God had a bigger plan
Still not able to see it clearly


Maybe someday is not that far away
To see my precious one again
Each day feels like an eternity
Stretching my patience and sympathy
Trying my faith and peace of mind
Daily
Constant
Here I find His hand sufficient


When all inside me has failed
Failed myself
My firstborn
My dreams
My life


Here I find His grace
and love
The sweet comfort down inside
But there are days when I feel alone
Today I saw her name in the ground
Alone and beautiful all the same
It wasn't supposed to be like this


I should have been monogramming her name on pillows or sheets
Blankets or bags
Not on a headstone.
Not like this
Today the emptiness is drowning
This tide of sorrow blinds my sight
And I wait for tomorrow's hope.

A Little Kind Word Goes a Long Way

I had the biggest blessing the other day and I have been wanting to tell the world about it, blog world anyway. A friend approached me and told me she'd been thinking about Jenna and me, and praying for me. It was so out of the blue and spontaneous, it was just what I needed - it literally made my day! Someone talking about my Jenna to me! Thank you and I love you so much, Angela! 

Oh, how I wish I could tell the world that it really is ok to talk about her. I love talking about her. She changed me. She was my little miracle, my gift from Heaven. I might cry when I talk about her, but its not because of what's being said, it's because my heart loves deeply the one I can't hold. I am just so thankful that God gave me her to love. So very thankful. I cannot imagine life without the love that overflows my heart for my sweet Jenna. She was tiny to this world, but she has made an eternal difference in my life. My heart can cry for a mother's breaking heart and truly appreciate the beautiful gift of life.