I doubt it is anything new, but since Jenna passed, its like the amount of sick children and infant loss has magnified. There was a time I really did not know babies died. It was a long time ago, but I was just that dumb. There was a time I thought only drugs and accidents could harm a pregnancy, and things like smoking or alcohol. I had no idea that you could do everything right and still bury your newborn. But today, it's just not about me. I have had a heavy heart for some time. And it is mostly about Jenna, but it also aches because there are so many children who are still fighting for their life. Their parents are daily making hard decisions that involve life and death, decisions that no parent should have to face.
I have wrapped my mind around this thing and choose to embrace the fact that I can relate to this heartache that I used to know nothing about. I am not the least bit happy that this is what life has dealt me, but it is the way it is. I choose to embrace it, on some level. There are days that it is hard and I feel like I am embracing a cactus, and at the end of the day I have scars all over my body. But then there are days that I feel like Jenna did not die in vain if I get to help somebody else. I can never justify her death, only attempt to make it count.
I wish you would pray for Lydia Eileen. She is in the NICU and is having breathing problems and seizures. The hospital, last I read on her blog, is preparing her parents to take her home. There is still some uncertainty. I hope you can visit her blog and offer some encouragement.
12 comments:
I just stopped by her blog, praying for them. Caroline
You have a heart of gold to desire to help others on your same path, and your collages are doing just that. Yes, I will pray for this baby and also for you and your husband. I know your grief is still new and you may feel fragile at times, as well as feel surges of strength and comfort. My heart goes out to you and the many others who have lost a child or who are struggling with a child's illness.
God bless - Sarita
Heading over there now.
I'll stop by and visit her blog. You know, I never knew how big pregnancy and infant loss was. It's huge!! I knew it happened but I never imagined it happened so often. My own cousin had a baby who was stillborn years ago. I was much younger and had no idea what she was going through. Losing Carleigh has made me grow in ways I never would have otherwise.
I will head over now..
I know what you mean about wearing the scars of your grief... this is like hugging a cactus.
As always, you are in my prayers.
I love how huge your heart is,you are always thinking of others and their pain.As you know you are my biggest support group,even before nevaeh got sick you listened to my horror stories of what i had to deal wit on a daily basis with Fili&Mateo.Haveing children with disabilities is a hard cross to bear for them not for me,i love them with al my heart but I knowthey will suffer for the rest of their lives but they will LIVE.Now haveing a child with cancer is Heartwrenching because you dont know what is gonna happen day to day.I am so happy to have you in my life,you are the one person who showed me its ok to get angry&you showed me the strength God gives.
Thank you, I went over and visited with them.
It's so sad. I was very naive about baby loss.
If no one in your circle of friends/family has lost a child you really don't know how huge it is. My heart belongs to all of you.
So true. I, too, had no idea how high the stats on stillbirth are (and, uh, in addition to being a woman, and a mother, I worked part-time for the director of perinatal and paeds for three years not too long ago).... I shake my head. I knew the stats on SIDS. But not other neonatal deaths. We babylost mummas are everywhere in our generation. Will pray for little baby Lydia and her parents. (((hugs)))
Thanks so much for this post, Franchesca. I'm so thankful for the support from all of you wonderful women who understand my heart.
Embracing a cactus........that is the perfect perfect description.
Wishing you strength in your journey.
Hi Franchesca,
Just wanted to stop by to let you know that Jenna Belle's butterfly is up on my site now. I hope it brings you a smile. :)
Bree
"I can never justify her death, only attempt to make it count."
This is exactly how I feel about the loss of my Madelyn.
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