The resentment can better be defined as severe disappointment.
I am dwelling where I shouldn't be. I am focusing on what I don't have rather than what I gained. And what she gained.
This is my attempt to gain some ground that I have been losing.
I was reading earlier and it must have been God. I got reminded about something I hadn't thought about in a while. I have a Bible stashed away in Jenna's things because it is the Bible I read to her from while she was in the NICU. My heart got stirred at the goodness of God that He gave us these precious moments with Jenna. Me and her Daddy would hold her tiny tiny hand and read to her. One of the NICU nurses asked my husband when I wasn't around if I did that everyday, and he told her I did. She must have thought it strange, I'm not really sure, but I wanted Jenna to know I was right there with her and that God was ever present.
I believe that the Word of God has power that we cannot even fathom. I believed it then, and I believe it now.
I remember that raw pain from the early early days. I remember being unable to feel anything but my own sorrow. I couldn't even hurt for the next person unless it was a babyloss mama or someone grieving a loved one. I remember being out of place if I was anywhere but home. I remember being at the grave site and feeling desperately guilty about leaving. I remember feeling the guilt of letting her down. I remember seeing other babylost mamas IRL and on this blog and learning about the story of their devastation and loss, and witnessing healing taking place - and thinking it was ridiculously hopeless in my case.
Most of all I remember feeling like a lost puppy. It was like I had to learn how to live all over again. I lost my independence, my freedom, my will, my life, my love, my purpose.
I am not there anymore. Many of these emotions and guilt have their place scattered in my life every now and then, but they do not dominate me the way they did the day after she died, a week after she died, a month after she died, or four months after she died.
So I reflect on what once was and where I am today to prove the grace of God has been sufficient in my life. It has been a while since I have given God any glory in this horrible pit of grief. I never wanted Jenna's short life to be the reason I degressed or lost who God intended me to be.
Losing my Jenna has shaken me to the very core of my being. And honestly there is nothing more I want to do this holiday season than to crawl up in a ball, cry my eyes out, skip Christmas, throw a gi-normous pity party and tell God how unfair this is. But if I am not careful I will continue to undo what God has used Jenna to do in my life.
I want to share my favorite verses for Jenna.
All of chapter 22 is comforting but these verses are my favorites.
Psalms 22:9,10
But thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts. I was cast upon thee from the womb: thou art my God from my mother's belly.
16 comments:
We have the Bible that we read to Dylan in the hospital tucked away in his memory box. Just thinking about it triggers memories or our time in the hospital with him, reading passages from the Bible with tear-filled eyes.
I don't think having these memories are taking steps back at all. I think that I'd feel more empty and lost if I didn't have these memories of our time with our son. As much as it hurts, I can still look back on things fondly.
But I do feel "shaken to the very core on my being" right along with you!
Kat @ In Dylan's Memory
I think memories are good and I feel like sometimes they can really help. I know that sounds a little crazy but since I have been blogging and read things from other baby-lost Mom's it helps to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way.
I'm praying that God can give you a peace thru this holiday season.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline
I too love those verses in Psalms, aren't they precious for our babies who went to heaven so early? I think that's so precious that you read the Bible to Jenna every day. That, and so many other things you do and say are evidence of the faith you are holding onto and exemplifying to the world, even in the midst of your darkest times.
I too have recently felt like I've taken a few steps back, and even started a post about it, but so far haven't quite had the words yet. I think the holidays are just so hard, and maybe things will get a little better after passing that hurdle. You are doing great things for Jenna, and glorifying God in the process. I pray He gives you special comfort and peace during the weeks ahead.((HUGS))!!
I am praying that God give us ALL peace this season and everyday.
(((hugs)))
*huge hugs* I believe for all of us baby lost mommas that in time God will show us his plan for us.
In the meantime I pray regularly for all of us that he gives us continued strength and healing to get through this time.
God is always with us.
I'd love to "skip" Christmas this year too. And I would except I feel as if I would not be honoring Christian, as this was to be his month. Now, I look at things differently and ask myself "what can I do to honor my angel"? I want to make him proud of his Mommy, that I didn't give in and tuck myself away in grief, but found my way through HOPE.
Ultimately, finding my way by allowing "him" to direct my steps.
Love and prayers,
Andrea
www.persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com
It's so hard to feel like we are moving backwards, like all the work we've done to get to the tenuous ground were we stand is for nothing. I've felt a backward slide lately too. Wishing you peace.
I love that you put these verses on here. I dont think I've ever seen them before, and if I have, I never saw them the way I do now. Thank you for sharing that. I do wish for you the peace of God. I will pray for healing and comfort.
I feel the same way. Id love to just forget about the holidays too. I love the verse, Psalms is one of my favorite books. *HUGS*
Big hugs Franchesca. I don't think you are going back, maybe just a new step on your journey. We will understand someday when we are reunited in Heaven.
Love,
Katy
I have recently also found myself drowning in most of the emotional confusion that you so beautifully put into words. I am glad that you are finding some of comfort the comfort that you need in various scripture passages. I wish you many hugs and much strength over the next few weeks...
I am so sorry you felt like you were going backwards. Its a difficult road to navigate and there are no rules on how to drive it. I have found myself thru many stages on grief multiple times, so just keep preparing yourself to visit this emotion occasionally, as only time helps to heal. As you said those first raw emotions were ones that you could not see anything but your own sorrow...I am glad you are not "there" right now, but Im sorry you have to feel any of this at all. Love, nan xo
(((Hugs)))
I was feeling very raw last week and went to a women's morning study group at our parish. One of the women shared about her anger at miscarrying a baby and I of course sat and listened with tears pouring. She said she found comfort realizing that we'll get an eternity with our babies. An eternity. This horrible time will seem like a flash. Hard to believe right now, but comforting, isn't it? I still selfishly want George with me and pray for resignation. xo
I think at some point we all take backwards steps. For me it happened about six months after Levi died- my grief wasn't as raw but I felt like not only had everyone else moved on but they expected me to have moved on too. I didn't feel the prayers of others or hear the comforting words (or at least their attempts at comfort). My husband and I also had our moments and I was angry that I didn't see God's purpose in Levi's death. Until then I just kept searching for the purpose, for His plan... I didn't find it but I did find peace through it all. That doesn't mean the days are now easy and there are still moments I wonder the purpose for my pain, but I did want to tell you that I've been there- and still take steps back at times- but I'm praying God will fill you with the same peace that passes all our understanding.
Peace & love to you!
Oh the ups and downs of grief. Lovely, isn't it? :(
I can certainly understand not wanting to go backwards. I have felt that myself and have been reassured by many that it's ok and it's normal but it still feels crappy.
God IS sufficient and I am glad He is.
Hello Franchesca...I am so glad to see you put a comment. I have been beyond crazy lately, and feel hoprrible for not getting in touch w you sooner! I am going to add this site to mine (the button that is). I definately am all about helping share what others out there going this same path are doing.
thank you for your words, and what you do. together we can help others going through this, and somehow...God is redeeming our pain through it all! Hallelujah!
~Megan
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