My Christmas Blessing

I survived. Yes, it was hard and yes I cried a little in the bathroom. But God was so good he sent me an unexpected blessing.

I got there and my heart was already heavy. I tried to focus on it being Christmas even though it doesn't even feel like December (metaphorically, because this December has been nice and cold). My husband's step sister was there and she really is a sweetheart. Her precious baby girl is about a month older than Jenna would have been, so naturally I look at her and think about my Jenna. I looked at her beautiful chubby cheeks and could only wonder what Jenna might have looked like at seven months...

I busied myself at the kitchen sink and made small talk with my family.

"You look good," my husband's SIL said. I felt so guilty. I shouldn't look good, I just lost my baby girl.

But of course my mental battle with guilt stayed in my head as I just thanked her and moved onto talking about something else. I tried not to think too much about it, but it bothers part of me. I have an idea that my facade it becoming so believable that most people think I am past it. It bothers me, but I really can't say that I would rather be miserable company just to make sure everyone knows that I do indeed shed tears still, miss her and get angry.

That's just part of this grief journey, I guess. If I "look good" it's because I am faking it until I make it. That's what my pastor's wife always says fake it 'til you make it. I can't say I understand it completely, but it's definitely a survival mechanism that has come in handy when all else has failed.

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My lovely niece, whom I have mentioned at least once before melted my heart. Of course Ms. Sunshine would never know how she did it. She is about four years old and a lovely mix of crazy, gorgeous and mischief. Anway... she lost one of her red socks (the ones that matched her Christmas outfit) and I offered to help her put on the one she had. We looked for the other one and then decided to just get another pair. We came out of her bedroom and sat on the floor in the dining room.

She is stretching her feet out, just smiling as big as she can. She draws a serious look and says, "Where's your baby?" I reached for my belly, as I used to do when I was still carrying my Jenna when this question was posed. My heart sank. This baby is not Jenna. I didn't say anything.

We had already had this conversation with her and her brother about a month after Jenna passed. When I told them that Jenna was in Heaven they had about a thousand "why" questions that followed. I loved answering most of them :)

But this incident struck me. She hadn't ever met Jenna, and probably hadn't heard anything about Jenna in at least six months. And my SIL (her mother) verified that Ms. Sunshine knew nothing about this new baby on the way.

It stung a little, maybe a lot. But more than that it thrilled my heart to have someone even for a split second think about her and ask about her. It's like she noticed the empty gap that only Jenna was meant to fill. It still makes me smile. I shared it with a few other people but I don't think they get just how special it was to me. That's okay. I will take the blessing and relish in the goodness of God. He knew I needed that.

Aside from that beautiful moment, I really enjoyed being around my family. My husband and I gave our grandmothers framed B&W pictures of Jenna and we gave framed prints of Jenna's Hope Collage to our parents. They loved their gifts. And I love that I can give them these gifts and include Jenna in our Christmas this year.