Good Riddance

Not feeling exceptionally "chatty" just wanted to say good riddance to the year that brought so much chaos and love into our lives. It's hard to put my finger on how to exactly define this year. So I came to the conclusion that there isn't just one way to define it.

It was terrible.

It was devastating.

It was severely disappointing.

But more than that I found God (not like He hides but I found myself more aware of needing Him) in places I never expected. I can honestly say that I am thankful for this year because it brought me the beautiful gift of motherhood.

If I had the chance to do it over, I would do it all over again. Every second of it. Because I knew at the end of the year - today - I have met my daughter. I have seen her. I have watched her. I have sang to her. I have read to her. I have talked to her. I have fought for her. And I got the chance to love her.

With that said, I am glad it's over, or near over. I cringe at the thought that the worst has been met. I enter this new year cautiously as I know things can change in the blink of an eye.

I truly hope and pray that 2010 brings unspeakable joy and peace into your lives. 

Many Overdue Thank You's

I have been somewhat taken with the Christmas season (or lack thereof) and have been meaning to post about these beautiful things. It means so much (and that is also an understatement) to have this community.

First, I'd like to thank my parents for taking my Jenna some beautiful, heartfelt ornaments to her grave. I went to go see her on the 23rd and I am so glad I did. I originally wanted to go see her on Christmas Eve, but Christmas Eve was a wet, mucky cold day and her marker would very likely have been surrounded by muddy grass and puddles.

This is a little off topic, but actually on the 18th I went to see her and it was awful. I was too bummed out to even talk about it. Half her marker was underwater.

Yes, underwater.

We have had a very wet December and we were forewarned that it might and probably would happen way back in May. I was meeting my husband there after work and I got there first. I walked out to see her grave and give her the giant fuchsia ornament and there it was... flooded. I was so upset, I cried tears of anger and outrage. After I calmed down I called the funeral home and they were happy to help. As if it's not hard enough just going to the cemetery to see her...

(sigh)

Well what I really wanted to share were these lovely additions from Jenna's grandparents.

 

 

 

My mom told me she and my dad had so much fun picking these out for her. I just love all of them... but especially the princess tiara.  My dad is the one that wanted to get Jenna the Santa Clause. I loved that too, because when we were kids, that was his thing, making us believe in Santa. They are wonderful grandparents to her even now and they would have been had she lived.

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 This is from Karen from Busy Hands . I won this on her giveaway from the 25 Days of Giveaways hosted by Tina. It was so much fun to participate in the giveaway because I found a few blogs I'd never read before and some posed interesting questions to answer. I loved it. Anyway, I won the Toast knit as a runner-up gift.  I love the color and she did such an awesome job on them :)

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And thank you, Caroline from The Croley Gang for this beautiful and very thoughtful embroidery of my Jenna! It is under her Christmas tree right now with some other things made and given for her. It is so sweet that she took the time to do this. I have no patience for embroidery, and I know this took time. It is just precious.

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And last of all I would like to thank Sarita, who lost her precious daughter Meredith. She is a sweetheart and wanted to do something for me for the hope collage I made for her daughter. It was definitely another surprise that warmed my heart. I just recently learned what Jenna's birthstone is and actually wanted something signifying it. It is just beautiful and perfect :)

She had it snugly wrapped in this precious box:

The box alone is perfect! I love thinking of Jenna as a princess.

I cannot put into words how much all these small acts of kindness have lifted my spirits, warmed my heart and offered me hope in this awful grief. I really have no idea where I'd be without this bloggy community.

Christmas Day

I am sorry I am late... but I wanted to share this card that Rachel made for me. She did such a beautiful job. I hope you all had the merriest Christmas possible. Thank you, Rachel!

To say that I was dreading Christmas is a huge understatement. Christmas Eve I was so extremely down, I felt helpless all over again. Thank God He has lifted some of that shadow since then.

Christmas Day was eventful and unorthodox for what we usually do. We skipped town and spent the day away in San Antonio. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to skip the holiday altogether.

See, last year we made Christmas extra special and surprised both our parents with Jenna. For my parents, she was their first grandchild. We picked out bracelets for our mothers and a couple of gifts from Things Remembered for the grandfathers and engraved them "Grandma" and "Grandpa". When my mother unwrapped her gift, and realized what it meant she was screaming she was so happy. Everyone was. And yesterday, a year ago everyone's life changed. We awaited Jenna's coming together. We hoped and dreamed about her together. This year without her was devastating.

So my loving husband supported my idea to change things up and took us to San Antonio for a night. We stayed at a B&B (interesting experience), went to see a movie, did some souvenir shopping and enjoyed the Christmas decorations on the Riverwalk.

 

 

For lack of better terms, the *best* part about yesterday was that it didn't feel like Christmas. It was strange, and every time I thought about it, it struck me. I never imagined there'd be a day that Christmas would lose its magic, aroma, feeling, charisma... whatever it used to be about the season was gone this year.

In spite of the loss of the christmas-ey feeling, I enjoyed the day and felt blessed to have been Jenna's mother. I also felt so close to her. There was an emptiness the entire day, but I couldn't feel it. All I really felt yesterday was like she was right there with us, enjoying the lights. I missed her, but feeling and knowing she was a part of our Christmas helped a whole lot.

Glimpse From That Other World

I wish I could hear that song
The one the angels sing
My song down here has been dampened
By loss, death and reality.

My mask has disintegrated
and lost strength in the blow of this month
I have collided with reality once again
I feel like I am back at square one.

It's been hard to breathe
and hold back the tears
To hide behind the facade
that my hurt has found relief

And really it had
Until December came
Christmas Eve is upon us
And that sting is back again

I want to die these days
And be whole again with you.
The longing in my heart is hard to ignore
when it blinds me from the truth.

I need perspective from that other world
The one that you call home
What is it like to be separated
Loved and yet made whole?

Please give me a glimpse of what you see
My eyes can't see past these tears
Is it Jesus holding you?
Or are the angels rocking you to sleep?

Please give me a glimpse of what you smell
My senses are dried up and barren
Is heaven's aroma like sweet gardenias?
And do gerbers smell like roses up there?

Please give me a glimpse of what you hear
My song has been dampened by the emptiness inside
I can't help but wonder if you sing with the angels
Or stay with me ever at my side?

I need a glimpse of heaven, your home
Because down here my strength has failed me
Remind me that time is but a moment to you
And that the restraint of death will one day flee.

"He setteth an end to darkness, and searcheth out all perfection: the stones of darkness, and the shadow of death." 

Job 28:3

3rd Anniversary

Three years ago today my dreams were about to come true as I would soon be marrying the man of my dreams, the love of my life. Our wedding was so close to Christmas as I have mentioned before, and it had everyone exasperated by the time it finally came. I think back now and wonder how it all got done in time and in order.

It was fabulous. The colors were sage green, crimson and peach-pink. Christmas trees and street lamps decorated the church along with Christmas lights. A string quartet played the music, and I only wish I could have listened to them longer. The music made the ceremony magical. I would like to share some pictures here and dedicate this post to my lovely husband.

Before heading out to the church we took advantage of our fabulous ride and went to Starbucks in a limo. Here is me and maid of honor (my little sister)...

This is my lovely roommate from college (I was still in college when I got married). She was the coolest, most awesome roomie ever. Emmie if you are reading this I LOVE YOU!!!

This is another one of my roommates I had after Emmie graduated. She is one of the sweetest most compassionate people I have ever met.

Me and my little brother... he asked me the other day "Isn't yours and Peter's anniversary coming up?"

I said "Yea, it's on Wednesday."

"Oh, that's what I thought." he said matter-of-factly. "I remember telling Mommy I wanted you to come home and stay with us but she said you'd be going to your apartment since you were married." He went on to tell me was sad. It melted my heart. Him and I are 13 years apart. Sometimes he is a brat of the highest sort, but he wasn't too bad when he told me that. ;)

We returned to my parents' house and got dressed...

Me walking out of the house heading to the limo that would take me and most of my bridesmaids to the church.

Me getting into the limo... lots and lots of taffeta but so much fun to wear!

Me and my wonderful, loving parents... they have been married 25 years this year.

 

Me and my mom minutes before the ceremony at the church.

Me, my grandmother and her sister that came over from Mexico that Christmas.

Me and two of my four flower girls. Aren't they adorable?!Twins run in my family... maybe one day :)

Here the twins are again. They did such a beautiful job.

My handsome groom walking down the aisle. This wasn't a ceremony picture but I liked it.

My dad walking me down the aisle.

 

Going to say our vows!

 

And here is the string quartet... the reception just wasn't long enough! Thanks to my dad, we enjoyed their beautiful music.

Cutting the cake...

Yea... I'm just glad he didn't shove icing in my face.

And here is my entire wedding party... six bridesmaids, two junior bridesmaids, four flower girls, six groomsmen and two ringbearers.

 

And last but not least, the getaway car. They shoved about 40 or 50 balloons into his car along with the gifts. They also had a blast writing things on it like "Money Spender" on the passenger window for me and "Blimp" for my husband's childhood nickname :)

It's crazy how much can change in three years. I'd never go back though. There are a couple of things I would have loved to know about marriage, but we learn as we go, right? It has been a wonderful learning experience and having a husband who desires to make me happy makes all the difference. It becomes easy to make him happy as a result.

As this day approached I was honestly dreading it. It was just another reminder of what coincidentally led to Jenna's death. But instead of looking at it like that I need to remember it also brought us her miraculous birth. I am again forever thankful to God for a husband who loves me dearly and for the beautiful gift of life that Jenna had for 13 days.

Also, thank you Mel for doing the pictures. My sister-in-law is such a sweetheart and took all the wedding photos. She did a beautiful job. Thanks to her I have so many pictures to treasure.

Happy 3rd Anniversary my Love.

Beautiful Gifts

I have been meaning to post these beautiful gifts from some of my bloggy friends.

Jess from Peace Like a River made this beautiful ornament for my Jenna Belle. Isn't it lovely. I love the picture she chose for it :)

It reads"Jenna Belle's First Christmas in Heaven". It was so sweet of her to make this for my Jenna. I put this one on Jenna's Christmas tree.

Beth from Still My Baby and Safe in this House sent these lovely fuchsia angel wings to me for my Jenna. It was completely out of the blue and a lovely way to remember my Jenna. We put this one the Jenna tree too.

 

And last, Amanda from Written in the Stars made this for my Jenna. She did such a great job and so fast too!

 

Thank you SOOO much Jess, Beth and Amanda for these beautiful things you have done for me and my Jenna. I cherish all these things as they are made with love from other babylost mamas who know the pain and have managed to make something beautiful out it.

Heaven's First Tear

Some two thousand years ago...
We have heard the story told
The precious baby, Savior, Prince of Peace,
Counsellor,
visited our world.

And as this prophecy was being fulfilled
Heaven must have missed his presence.
The glory, the comfort, the promises foretold
The Son of God, the Everlasting
Did Heaven's eyes cry the night he was born?

Amidst the miracle laid out for man
The redemption for sins
And promise of eternal life
When the blood of the Lamb was shed
at Calvary's cross
Did Heaven's first tear fall?

What did Heaven do?
How did the angels sing?
And was Heaven's song dampened by such a loss?
Time has no restraint in Heaven
but human emotions are hard to look past.

Surely Heaven knew the greater plan
And no tears must have been shed
For perfection is met up there
but absence is lonely
And loneliness is daunting.

I can't help but wonder what Heaven did
When God gave up his Son
those thirty three years
For me.

My Christmas Blessing

I survived. Yes, it was hard and yes I cried a little in the bathroom. But God was so good he sent me an unexpected blessing.

I got there and my heart was already heavy. I tried to focus on it being Christmas even though it doesn't even feel like December (metaphorically, because this December has been nice and cold). My husband's step sister was there and she really is a sweetheart. Her precious baby girl is about a month older than Jenna would have been, so naturally I look at her and think about my Jenna. I looked at her beautiful chubby cheeks and could only wonder what Jenna might have looked like at seven months...

I busied myself at the kitchen sink and made small talk with my family.

"You look good," my husband's SIL said. I felt so guilty. I shouldn't look good, I just lost my baby girl.

But of course my mental battle with guilt stayed in my head as I just thanked her and moved onto talking about something else. I tried not to think too much about it, but it bothers part of me. I have an idea that my facade it becoming so believable that most people think I am past it. It bothers me, but I really can't say that I would rather be miserable company just to make sure everyone knows that I do indeed shed tears still, miss her and get angry.

That's just part of this grief journey, I guess. If I "look good" it's because I am faking it until I make it. That's what my pastor's wife always says fake it 'til you make it. I can't say I understand it completely, but it's definitely a survival mechanism that has come in handy when all else has failed.

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My lovely niece, whom I have mentioned at least once before melted my heart. Of course Ms. Sunshine would never know how she did it. She is about four years old and a lovely mix of crazy, gorgeous and mischief. Anway... she lost one of her red socks (the ones that matched her Christmas outfit) and I offered to help her put on the one she had. We looked for the other one and then decided to just get another pair. We came out of her bedroom and sat on the floor in the dining room.

She is stretching her feet out, just smiling as big as she can. She draws a serious look and says, "Where's your baby?" I reached for my belly, as I used to do when I was still carrying my Jenna when this question was posed. My heart sank. This baby is not Jenna. I didn't say anything.

We had already had this conversation with her and her brother about a month after Jenna passed. When I told them that Jenna was in Heaven they had about a thousand "why" questions that followed. I loved answering most of them :)

But this incident struck me. She hadn't ever met Jenna, and probably hadn't heard anything about Jenna in at least six months. And my SIL (her mother) verified that Ms. Sunshine knew nothing about this new baby on the way.

It stung a little, maybe a lot. But more than that it thrilled my heart to have someone even for a split second think about her and ask about her. It's like she noticed the empty gap that only Jenna was meant to fill. It still makes me smile. I shared it with a few other people but I don't think they get just how special it was to me. That's okay. I will take the blessing and relish in the goodness of God. He knew I needed that.

Aside from that beautiful moment, I really enjoyed being around my family. My husband and I gave our grandmothers framed B&W pictures of Jenna and we gave framed prints of Jenna's Hope Collage to our parents. They loved their gifts. And I love that I can give them these gifts and include Jenna in our Christmas this year.

So it Begins...

Tomorrow... unless God comes back (which I really hope happens in all seriousness) I will spend my morning wrapping gifts... but not for Jenna. My Jenna died. The other night while I was shopping for her cousins it took everything out of me just being in the toy department. I should be there for them, and for her. It literally ruined my evening. That blind-sighted me. I had no idea Christmas shopping for them would be so hard. I wonder now what Heaven's toy box is like? I really hope she gets to dress up like a princess up there. I would have dressed her up in all those princess outfits for the princess she was.

But back to my tomorrow... wrapping gifts for family members because our Christmas will be celebrated on Saturday. Can I tell you how much I am not looking forward to it??? Not because my family is anything less than awesome, only that there will be a giant gaping hole. And most won't notice how she should be there but me and hubby. And if they notice the giant gaping hole it won't sting to them like it will in our hearts.

I will probably hide in the bathroom when I feel the tears rushing in and prance out with a pasted smile on my face like I have done at most gatherings. I am getting pretty good at it.

The cousins will tear through their gifts. I will participate in the white elephant game and probably end up with a tool set :) Which is really okay... it makes it more interesting.

But how did this happen?

Oh, and tomorrow evening we get to go see her in a cold, probably wet cemetery. I can't describe how angry that makes me. I have a daughter. I really miss her right now. She will have been gone seven months tomorrow.

We bought her a giant fuchsia ornament to add to her grave from Target. It probably won't match the other decorations, but I don't care. I really wanted to buy her something while I was shopping for her cousins and I found this. I also found a princess wand with a butterfly at the end. I got that out of the toy section. I was getting really irritated because I was trying to find her something too (that was actually a toy) but I kept thinking how dirty it would get at the cemetery. I suddenly became irrational and thought how insensitive that nobody makes "toys" for these angels. I just wanted her to have something other than an ornament. What on earth does a seven month old do with an ornament anyway??? I told my husband that I am glad we found this ornament to add to her grave but it still makes me so angry that I can't buy her toys for her to play with. He doesn't get angry like I do about these things. Maybe that's a good thing.

I am guessing that while she is playing out of Heaven's toy box, I should be rejoicing that she is with the Reason for this season. I am really interested in what Christmas is like up there. Part of me feels privileged that my daughter gets to spend Christmas with our Saviour and King. Of course a bigger part of me feels frustration and anger that she should and could be here. With me.
 

Update

It is wonderful that so many people were willing to pray for the Green family a couple of days ago. My cousin sent me a link to baby Paul's CaringBridge page. You can visit it here. If you have a moment, please head over and encourage this family.

Please Pray

A family in Tennessee is losing their precious son today. I am not sure what is the cause, but he is having seizures and the doctors are telling his parents to prepare for his death. We are thinking he is around a year old. We all know how impossible it is to prepare to say goodbye to our children. Please pray that God might surround them with his divine comfort and peace, and that He might carry them through the darkest hours of their lives. They are the Green family.