Saturday, our last minute getaway (which we rarely do) to the Kemah Boardwalk turned out to be a emotional event for me. I didn't let my emotions control my feelings to the point where it would ruin our time there, but the crowd of people and the overwhelming amount of activity was almost too much. I have grown comfortable with a quiet, low-key daily routine. Rarely going out other than church and work and of course errands. (I sound so boring now!)
I cannot get over how much Jenna affects my everyday life. I literally began to tear up as we approached the rides and games. I guess in a way I felt torn between guilt of having a good time (or wanting to) and accepting that I could not bring my baby along... Or would we have even gone to Kemah if she had been here??? Endless questions, pretty much worthless. But they clog my brain nonetheless.
The frustration and anger of losing her has temporarily left me with a peace I cannot understand. I have embraced it as I know this phase will at any minute morph into one of the horrible stages of grief that I am all too familiar with. Something my husband told me the other day really helped me. I got to talking to him about missing her and all the things I feel like she missed out on and we missed out on.
He is so simple, I just love it sometimes. He said that maybe she wasn't meant to have those things. Now, in the past that would have brought a look of disgust as if to say Are you serious?! But I think this time it was coupled with my mind being a *little* more stable than before. It still hurts that I missed out on so much. And I will never be able to understand it all. I still HATE that she died. But I know that God has still been good. If she wasn't meant to live in this world for long, I like to think that she was not of this world. She was heavenly, unmarked by the sin of this world. I love that I can think of her as an angel. I don't know these things for sure, but it can't hurt to wonder...
What if?...
12 comments:
I too feel overwhelmed in crowds of people. I am not sure if it is that I cannot control my emotions or that I have a hard time seeing babies everywhere because I miss mine so much.
It is hard to understand why we lose our precious ones, but the one thing we know is that they are angels. Jenna is an angel from heaven.
Jenna is a perfect angel, looking down on you every day. Its so hard to move on with your life, smiling and being happy. I too question if I am allowed to be happy, if I am allowed to smile and have fun again. I feel guilty and know that if L was still here with us, we wouldn't be doing x, y or z...or we would be doing it, only differently. Its a crummy road to be on. I wish we had our babies with us.
*hugs*
*Hugs*
I constantly feel over whelmed and so easy to tear up.. we had our state fair this last week, and I didn't think I was going to make it..strollers, babies..I felt awful..I thought about her and what she would be doing..eating corndogs? cotton candy? its so much to process..they are with us every single day..hugs fran..I am glad you and the hubby had a get-away..we all need those now and then..
I'm usually an extrovert and I've got to say that I'm not rushing to crowds or meeting people since our George was stillborn in May either. It's such a comfort to know that others feel this way, too (although I'm sad for all of us - but I hope you all know what I mean). Glad you and your DH had time away together, Franchesca. (((Hugs)))
Glad you both had sometime together. {{{HUGS}}} my friend, praying for you so much. Great post to. :)
Caroline
you spoke words from my own heart. I think about my boys as perfect little beings in heaven - untainted - unharmed - perfectly peaceful and loved. It helps me make it through. I constantly wonder "what if," though. What if Asher never died? What if Cyrus was still here. Would they be best buds, what would they look like, what would my day to day look like. I still don't prefer crowds ... and it's been 3 years. A quiet existance is so much easier (especially when it's all still so fresh). Life hurts - vibrancy is painful. It's wonderful to stop by here and realize I am not alone in what I feel.
So many "what ifs"...I catch myself asking those same questions. It really is tough to start having fun and not feel guilty - I have no idea when that feeling will ever stop. Praying for you.
~Kimberly
So i wrote this, and it disappeared so you may get it twice...
I know what you mean about holding onto those moments of peace, they are the anchors that help us through the tidal waves of grief. I do believe that our little babies do look over us from Heaven, and send us little messages and comforts to help us through. I pray that some day, when we too go to Heaven, that it will all make sense and we will see why we had to suffer so without our little girls. Sending you prayers for peace in your heart, and tons of hugs as you remember Jenna. I am glad that you and hubby went out for a day, it is impossible to go anywhere without hurting for our babies, but I love that you tried to not let it ruin your whole day. It is hard to step out of our low-key routines... You are so very, very strong.
((hugs))
I think most of us are not into the crowds. I'd much rather stay at home. I know at home I won't have to make explanations or run into any babies or pregnant women.
I often think of the what ifs. I think of how we would be doing things differently if she was here.
You write so beautifully! I too get flooded with the constant questions. I like to think how you do, that all of our babies are heanevly and unmarked by the sin of this world. You have a beautiful angel in heaven watching over you. Although those words do not ease the pain it is definitely a wonderful thought. Hugs and Love
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