Before I write this post that weighs so heavily on my heart, I feel like a disclaimer or some type of warning is necessary. First and foremost, if you find yourself offended at its contents, you must know I started this blog for only a couple of reasons...
1. To be honest with myself and God about this grief as a means to find some kind of healing
2. To let other babylost mamas know they are not alone in this grief of losing a child by sharing my Jenna Belle
So now for my heart.
There were seven to eight of us expecting babies back-to-back in my world IRL. And God looked down as we were all planning or not planning these families and knew one would be required in Heaven far sooner than his/her time. That's how I look at it anyway.
He picked Jenna. My Jenna. I can't even imagine wishing this pain on anyone else. That's not what this is about. But I have asked God probably a thousand times, why me? That question is so childish and its significance is fleeting but the reality is that I feel like I have been picked on. Like I have been reprimanded for wanting a family which I thought would come so easily.
Out of the seven or eight of us, a couple of women were expecting rainbow babies. That was especially sweet. A few gracefully accepted the awkwardness after Jenna died and let me know that they still cared within weeks. A few others which had never buried a baby, kept their distance for safety I am sure, and meant no harm. But it complicated my world. Their sudden distance made me feel like I was a plague and I wanted to scream IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE...
But I didn't. So I scream it here. IT CAN.
This grief is exhausting to say the least and it hardly suits a Christian I think at most times. Of course, my idea of the ideal Christian hardly battles anger, frustration, envy and strife, right? Well right or wrong that is what I am feeling. I have battled feelings that I wish I never knew. As a result, I have minimized my concerns to my heart with God, my husband and close family and a handful of true friends. I don't want to destroy any of these relationships because of my grief.
A lot of times I feel like anger toward God is sinful and tell myself to stop being angry. That hardly works. So I just started telling Him how angry I was. How much I hate that He took my Jenna and how it has complicated my world. I feel like when I started to do this, it was as if He was really listening. I can't even describe it. I really believe He heard that prayer. He wanted honesty, not a facade of "okayness". I have had a lot more peace accompany my sorrow since I told God how honestly angry I have become. I know He is working on me and helping me sort through these feelings of anger and the root of bitterness.
I am to the point where I need help so bad, I could care less what the world concludes about me. I am desperate. I need God's help and am very aware that I have been closer to Him than I am right now. I am very aware that I have probably contributed to the complicated relationships with other expectant mothers in my world. I am very aware that this grief has probably taken me to the lowest place yet - hell on earth. I am very aware that I am not the same person I was a year ago. Or even a few months ago. That girl had hope and a God that could only perform miracles. I am no longer than person. My God can heal but He doesn't always heal. This is my reality.
"Thou, which hast shown me great and sore troubles, shalt quicken me again, and shalt bring me up again from the depths of the earth."
-Psalms 71:20
26 comments:
I can feel your pain, Franchesca. I am so sorry. This journey is so very difficult. It's not fair, it's not peaceful... it just is. You're right, we can't ever predict where our grief will take us. It's so unpredictable. We must ask for help. We must lean on those who understand and those who love and support us, unconditionally.
It must be so difficult to be in touch with the women that you were pregnant with. My sister in law was due 5 weeks after we were due with Nicholas and she now has a beautiful, healthy 11 month old. It took me months to come face to face with that baby. My brother and sister in law have been beyond understanding. It is just since the summer that I have been able to hold her and interact with her... although, my heart still breaks a little more each time I realize that she and Nicholas should be hanging out and growing up together.
I'm sorry your faith is being questioned. I am not a very religious person, so I cannot comment. I can say though, that I have become much more spiritual since losing our baby boy. I have to believe in a higher power... in heaven... otherwise I can't bare the thought of never seeing my son again.
Take care of you... xo
My heart breaks for you Franchesca. This is well written and clearly spells out the process of feelings/greif we all go through when we lose a child. I remember when my sister in law called 2 weeks after our first son died to excitedly announce her pregnancy. I was so hurt and then she wanted nothing to do with me ... it's like I was contagious or something. We're working on mending our relationship to this day ... 3 years later. The pain and anger are very real. I will keep praying for you and I am so relieved to know I am not alone.
Fran~you are not alone in this.. and it is so very bittersweet to think of the reason you aren't.. I too have lost a few IRL friends, and the few that are left have been put through the ringer with my craziness.. let those who have stuck by you the entire time be there for you..
I too have moments when I am so mad at God.. and just screamed and cried because I was not made to go through this.. Jay's uncle, who lost 2 grandbabies with the same thing Ella had, told me that "Gods shoulders are big enough for us to me mad at him" at first I didn't get it, but it slowly came to make sense..
I know nothing I say is going to magically make you feel better or miss Jenna any less, but do know that you are loved and people are still praying for you.. and are so thrilled for the new baby! Hugs!!!
Oh Franchesca, I cried when I started reading this post because I can relate to it. When I lost Jonathan one of my best friends was about 8-9 weeks pregnant and once I lost him we talked a little bit probably because I was in denial that I lost Jonathan so her and I would carry on a regular conversation. Time went on and I needed space from her. This all happened once she hit 18 weeks with a baby boy. I couldn't handle it and I think our friendship is ruined forever. She couldn't accept I needed time.
*huge hugs* People can be so insensative and what I have realized from all this is that you really learn who your true friends are.
I know that I don't have anything that I can add that the other pp's haven't already said that lessen your pain, but I can say that God is here and will be when you least expect it. *more hugs*
We are all here for you. I haven't been following your blog long, but I understand the pain you are feeling. You are not alone. *hugs* Prayers coming your way for healing and peace.
I am so sorry that you are hurting this badly. But at 5 months after Morgan died, I was there too. I was so angry at God that I couldn't pray anymore. I didn't want to because He had taken Morgan from me and yes, I was pissed. When I could pray I kept asking Him, "What did I do wrong?" I thought it was a punishment for not being married.
After a while, I started talking to a friend of mine who I'd gone to church with, and she had talked to the pastor about me. She said that "God doesn't do these things. Losing our babies is a result of the world we live in, with sin and choices. Everyone pays a price."
So, my price for all of my sin was losing my daughter? No, but I accept now that there are things in this world that are not God's doing. He gave us free will, so I believe that there are things that He doesn't control. He tries to get us to make the right choices but sometimes we don't see them.
I believe He wept for you Franchesca, when your sweet Jenna walked through His gates. Your loss was His gain, but no one likes to see their children in pain. You are a child of God, and I believe He is a fair and just God. I don't believe He wouldn't do something this unfair to us.
I am still batteling my anger. I battle it every day. I too feel ashamed and sinfull for being so angry with God over this, but there it is regardless. *Big Hugs*
(((hugs))) I too ask why me... This is another place in the grieving road. It sucks, I can't wont sugar coat it...Jenna has hand picked a perfect rainbow baby for you. She is watching over you. I wish that I could help...I am here for you.
there are many of us that know this road all too well. i had a wonderful friend (also a babylost mama) tell me "It is ok to be angry with God, He is a big guy- He can handle it!"
we take so much to God, and we try to be "good Christians", but God already knows we are hurting- we need to keep the lines of communication open no matter the nature of our feelings. Give it to God- it is ok.
hugs
Lesley
I love you fran,thank you for all you have done and all you are.
i feel the same way. sometimes, i think that this must be some kind of karma: if nothing is physically wrong with me, hubby, or baby then what is it? is it moral? did i wrong someone?
unfortunately, i feel the distance of other pregnant women too. except for one person - my cousin who is expecting. she is scared out of her mind as if she buried a baby. i guess that somehow we do get our message across - what a precious gift that little life inside them is.
hugs to you! MB
Francesca, I'm a little further along than you ( having just had Emma's first birthday) and I still feel like this. Thank you for saying so articulately something I rarely manage to put into words.
I haven't blogged hugely about my faith and my struggles with it, mainly because it's the most confusing and complex part of my grief. The rest is so hard and so painful but simple - I loved my daughter, I wanted to raise her and I will hurt every day for the rest of my over the impossibility of that wish. My stuggles with my beliefs and with God's role/plan/purpose are so much more complex to unravel - and my little rainbow actually complicates rather than simplifies. I am so grateful for his/her existence, I want more than anything to bring my little "Jurgen" home safely to our family but I don't know how to pray for that after getting such an unexpected answer to the same prayers last time around.
So much of this is how I feel, the feeling "contagious" like others are avoiding your misfortune, judged for it like it couldn't happen to them. I even had someone go so far as to say to me "what did you do to give your baby Cancer, because I don't want to do it." Sometimes, even when they don't mean to, people really, really suck.
As far as your anger at God, I understand, and I think you are more graceful and faithful than I am but I also think God can handle our anger, I think He understands that it stems from our love for our babies, and I think He knows how hard this is for us.
You have no idea how much I needed to read this tonight.
Tonight I am screaming, screaming, I am so angry.
I am so very angry with God.
And you are so right. I need to tell Him. I need to tell Him that I'm so angry and hurt and that I am trying my best but I am NOT ok.
Thank you so much for this beautiful, insightful, thoughtful post.
xx
Sea of tears
There are days when all you can do is cry
Where you feel all your hope and cheer will just die
Those moments when your tears seem to never want to end
When you heart feels like it will never again mend
Like you can barely catch a breath
Your fears and thoughts are leaning toward death
The future is dark and bleak
Your faith seems altogether weak
You sit and think and try to have a normal day
And keep all these horrid thoughts at bay
The tears start to flow
Will this pain ever just go?
You’re in a sea of tears
Your mind is conquered by all your heartrenching fears
Take a deep breath and get down on your knees
Pray for the Lord to send you some peace
You go about your day
Continuing the prayer you always say
It’s time for bed
And as soon as you lay down your head
You are swimming in that grieving sea
This is not where you really want to be
You want the Lord to hear your prayer
And tell him this is all Lord my heart can bear
You want him to hear your cry
And answer your question WHY?
Then you think is he even here?
Can he hear my heart and prayer?
Does he know my heart aches?
Does he know it every second of the day breaks?
You wonder does anyone even care
This all just doesn’t seem fair!
Sometimes you feel no one is around
Like in your sea of tears you might have drowned
One thing in all you pain you must know
There is someone that knows your every woe
God our savior knows what’s in your heart
He knows the fears that tears you apart
Go to him with all this you feel
He to you can feel so real
He s there even when you’re not sure
Only he has the cure
He gives you a peace that is always there
He knows your heart and every future fear
He walks with you every single day
And carries you when your tears feel like the Hudson bay.
Peace, Grace and Love
All sent from God above
A very honest post, Francesca. I can not even talk to god yet. I think I do, sometimes. I try, at least I think I do. But I feel fake. I feel empty requests...because I know they won't be fulfilled. Not that I am asking irrational things, but just no answers to be found. It's very hard. I am having a hard time going to church, if I do. I wish I was where you were, able to tell him how angry I am. And then feel like you do. But I don't. Thank you for sharing, though. A post I needed to read.
xxxooo
Christy
You poor girl, I wish I could take all your heartache away. I pray for your comfort. I pray for God to come in and help your heart. ((HUGS))
sweetie i can relate. i have lost a child 3 years ago due to heart problems. to say is the 24th and it has been 3 years to this day... so i know what its like for all the pain and agony and the big question why!!!! my son passed in my arms. and its so painful just to be able to look in their eyes and see the pain and suffering they are going through till the plug is pulled and their stress is gone and their pain is gone, and all i can think about is its my fault. im the one who pulled the plug, im the one who chose this path. why did i just let my boy go... but think of it this way. some babies were to perfect to be on this earth to live how awe are. they are in a better place where they can play together. be merry.. i wake up with a smile on my face every day knowing that even though i dont have my caiden with me physically. i do in my heart, mind and soul, and he is watching over me telling me that he is okay and to be strong.. i know im only 25 but its hard on any mother...much love!!! xoxoxo
I understand. I was angry with God too and shared it with Him. I wanted to know the why's. I never felt like I got an answer but over time He has given me a peace about things. I pray you'll receive that peace that passes all understanding too.
I'm not the person I once was either... but I wouldn't go back to that person if it meant never having Levi.
Peace & love to you!
Rebekah, that is so true. I love that. I wouldn't go back either.
Hang in there sweet girl. Someone once told me that God has big shoulders and can handle anything we throw at him, and trust me I have thrown ALOT. I still have my angry spells, its that stupid roller coaster. Feel better, sending hugs to comfort you xoxoxoxo Nan
I HATE it that so many people have distanced themselves from me. Its selfish, plain and simple. I'm sorry people have seperated themselves from you as well. In the end, if your friends (like mine) were able to walk away from you in your darkest hours, they weren't real friends to begin with. Simple as that.
As for God, i'm angry. Maybe that makes me weak, but so be it. I'm angry for what i've been through, twice now. I'm angry that my baby boys aren't with me. I'm angry for all the other baby lost mommies. I don't make excuses for it...I am angry.
Many *hugs*
Thank you for this honest, well-written post, Franchesca! I can relate so strongly to all of it! I was one of eight pregnant women at my church this year, and we have all been in a mom's group together through all of this. It is so hard to comprehend why God allowed this to happen to me, specifically, while I would never wish it on anyone else either. I don't think we will ever have an answer to that on this earth.
Also, there is no such thing as the "ideal Christian," or the perfect way to deal with grief. I have been struggling with this too, and I think God created us as humans with emotions, and He expects us to feel our losses deeply, and He understands our anger, confusion, pain, and questioning. Keep coming to Him with all of it, and keep wrestling with your faith. As long as you are turning to Him, ultimately I believe your faith will be strengthened. I hold onto that same hope. Praying for you, and hurting with you!
I feel so much for you, Franchesca. I'm right with you in the anger/sadness/pleas for helping me have resignation to this babyloss. It's so hard. One of my dear friends who has lost seven babies at various stages shared with me as well that God can take our anger. Look at all the passages in the Old Testament, like the Psalm you've posted, of people crying out in anguish and sorrow. Bernadette at Morning Light shared with me that she had a revelation one day as she prayed and sorrowed over her stillborn daughter; she felt comfort suddenly that God received her daughter rather than took her. I'm still bewildered at why our babies died, but that image has given me some comfort. She also pointed out to me that Lamentation is a form of prayer. (((Hugs)))
I battle with the same thing. I am Christian and yet for the first time I ache with envy, I even despise them. Pregnant women and moms of babies who are the same age my baby girl would be now. It is a physical pain, an emotional agony, a soul fight each time I see them.
I have a feeling God understands though.
Hi Franchesca,
I haven't had time to read all the comments here, but I just had to tell you, and maybe I've told you too many times already, but I think it is amazing how you are able to fully recognize where you are and express yourself. I can relate to every post you make. How blessed you are to also see that it is okay to accept yourself where you are in your grief. (that one took me a long time to get, but made all the difference) As you go through this process and make these entries, you should consider making this collection of posts into a book. I think it would make a big difference for alot of women, K.
The tragedy of losing your child certainly opens your eyes to the world of baby loss. It's a world far bigger than you ever realized. I've wondered why before. I've seen the good things that have happened from losing Carleigh but it still hurts. I would still rather have her. It may be a little selfish but I think God understands that. I'm sure He didn't want to see His Son die either but He saw the bigger picture. How I would love to have His eyes to see how my story fits into His plan!
There's no such thing as a perfect Christian. Every single Christian battles emotions and sins. I think it is good to admit that we do and move forward. I think denying it only hurts you. Grief certainly is so unpredictable. I am surprised where it takes me sometimes.
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