I remembered Jenna yesterday, but it's no different than today. Today when my heart has been pulled out of my chest and stomped on.
You ask, what happened?
Nothing new. Just life and the reality of babies dying.
It never gets old and it always hurts. I won't ever view pregnancy the same or newborns or the maternity ward or hospitals for that matter. They are building a fancy new hospital seven minutes from where we live right now and the first thought that popped in my head after she died was, I wonder how many babies will die there...
Who have I become???
If you think me cruel or heartless, you caught me on the wrong day. I hope I don't come off that way. But I just need to get this out. This grief is not just tears and cherished memories. For me there is a new way of thinking. And this new way of thinking is usually triggered by raw, agonizing emotions. It's sad. My heart is longing to hold her again. My mind cannot fathom what good could possibly justify her suffering and death. My soul is broken. And what is most alarming is that this is not going to change... this is who I'll forever be.
Permanent scars. Permanent reasons to cry my eyeballs out. Permanent loss. Permanent. I hate that word right now.
One day I want to wake up in a better place and be able to look up into the sky, wonder about her new home and not feel like fate is mocking me. I get to wondering about Heaven and feeling desperate at how little I know about it. I know that if God were to pull back the screen of Heaven and give me a glance that I'd never want to bring her back into this world, and it would calm my restless heart that misses her beyond words. I would see how happy she is. I would understand with my eyes how perfect everything is up there. But since it is faith that has to silence all these emotions, it is an ongoing battle.
This is me and my finite mind at work.
While I miss her terribly, I have to remind myself how much I did enjoy her while she was with us. She fought for her life for 13 days and I got to be by her side. Those 13 days were filled with the most nauseating roller coaster of ups and downs fueled by the ever-changing doctor reports, unstable saturation levels, and pleading for a miracle from Heaven. But they were also filled with a beautiful love that I'd never experienced before. She brought so many people so much closer together. Her life. Her short little life. It never ceases to amaze me how much changed through her life and death. I look back now and remember that I never let myself think she might not make it. I had to believe in her life for her sake. I don't remember being sad over her condition then. I remember being overjoyed at being a mother. Her mother.
This is my attempt to remember my daughter's life. I am trying to smile, on the inside. My joy has been left behind. I think I actually left it in the NICU when she died. I am trying to get it back.
And I get so wrapped up in my loss that I forget what I gained. I gained motherhood. I gained a beautiful baby girl that knows me, even now, as her mother. I gained a broken heart that will forever break for every mother who has ever faced the tragedy of saying goodbye to her child. I gained a firsthand look at what God sacrificed for me when He watched His Son die for me on the cross. I have gained... because of Jenna.
15 comments:
I can see how you're torn between being sad because you lost your daughter, yet grateful that she was with you when she was...and that now she's in Heaven. All we can do, as childless mothers is to take one day at a time and try to hold on to the good (however little it may seem) regarding our babies' lives. I will pray for you.
I try to take things an hour at a time, because sometimes a day at a time is too long or too hard... My thoughts are with you.
fran~ you are so right.. the gain is great, but the loss is so devestating..I wish I had words to make it all better..but instead offer my hugs!
"And what is most alarming is that this is not going to change... this is who I'll forever be."
Franchesca - I read this and caught my breath... I remember this feeling all so well. The finality. The realization that this pain would be with me forever. That my life had changed, drastically.
As difficult and unsure as those precious 13 days were with Jenna, I am so glad that you had them. You were able to create some beautiful memories that you will hold in your heart forever. It's heartbreaking... it's not fair, but, you're right, we have gained so much.
xo
It is so hard and sometimes it is hard to remind ouselves what a better place our angels are in. I know they are but knowing does not stop our pain. Big Hugs!
Wow Franchesca, you are amazing. You are amazing for creating the hope collages. I love the one you created for Jonathan. Thank you sooooo much!! You can see the positive...I have been told that when that happens that healing is taking place. *hugs* and prayers to you.
I know what you mean about the scars that will be with us forever. I hate them. I really do. They have made me into someone I never wanted to be.
You pointed out that if God could show her to you in her new home, you'd never want to bring her back. I never considered this before, but know it is true.
I'm sorry for your pain today and every other day.
Your words are so beautiful. I connect with everything you feel and write. I totally feel those scars as well. This is the hardest thing we will ever have to endure.
XX
Fran,love you and continue to pray for you.Lots of Love to the skies.
I recognised such a lot of myself in this post. A year out, it is still the permanence of her absence that catches me unawares and spins me round. And, you're right there is such richness in knowing these little souls but it's not the easy way to experience the blessings of motherhood. Not at all.
Wow! I am struggling to comment here because this post spoke to me on so many levels, and I feel my comments wont do justice to what I am trying to say. Just know this... I get it... all of it.
I agree with so much of what you said. Its so hard living this life, living in what seems like such a small world that us mommies who have lost babies live in. So many people think that once a few weeks have passed, that you will be over it or back to your old self. Old self is just what it is, old self. What I used to be, not who I am anymore. Grief changes you, itense pain and heartache changes you. I understand, i'm listening, i'm not judging. I'm here. *hugs*
If only we could get a glimpse!! I know that would calm the storms that rage inside us with all these emotions. But, like you said, we have to have faith. Things sure do change after losing your baby and those changes are indeed permanent.
Franschesca, I so relate to what you said about trying to get your joy back. Sometimes I think, when times are at there darkest, joy takes on a different form. It doesn't always radiate from inside of us, it can just be a tiny spark of faith, the faintest glimmer of hope. That is what I'm holding onto right now. I wish we could both take a quick glimpse behind the curtain at the joy set before our baby girls, the joy that awaits you and I one day with them.
thank you, franchesca, for this beautiful reminder. ((hugs))
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