I was told right after you died, to write my memories down. The small ones, the ones I cherished because they happened with you. The ones I thought surely I'd never forget. I am so glad I did.
There are times like today when you feel not just dead, but far far away. So far away that your life is like a dream. But then I see that picture in the kitchen and I know you happened. I am so sorry. I hate that my mind does this. I can't even pinpoint what drags me into this abyss where you just seem so far from me. Maybe it has to do with time, and how six months will be here too soon.
Regardless, I want to share a memory or two that I have written down. It's been awhile since I let myself crack these open. They hurt, Jenna. They hurt. But I want to be close to you again.
Right after you died, no sooner would my eyes start to well up with tears that I would hear your soft sweet spirit assuring me "I'm okay, Mommy."
But now that's gone. I know you're okay, but I miss that feeling of how I just knew you were right there next to me as Mommy was balling her eyes out in the car at the red light.
I remember...
Being afraid the first time I laid eyes on you in the NICU. I asked the nurse if it was okay to touch you and she let me. I was so afraid of hurting you. She did tell me not to caress you since your nervous system had not fully developed and caressing would more than likely agitate you. I could not believe how small you were! But also pretty long for such a small baby. It was so surreal to behold the very creature that only hours prior had been kicking me furiously with that stupid monitor strapping you down! Fearfully and wonderfully made - what a truth! Your feet were long and your fingers were long too, just like mine. I told everybody that they would not go to waste and would definitely be learning the piano. =) I could not wait. I remember observing you for hours on end and studying your fingernails and toenails. How perfect you were.
You never let in on how much pain you were really in. I still can't move past that point of how much pain I am no doubt responsible for. But I was trying to give you every chance to live. The doctors never let us believe that it was hopeless until the end. We had to believe in those small chances, every last one of them - if it meant fighting to keep you with us. Thank you for being such a fighter, Jenna.
17 comments:
Oh, Franchesca. I'm so sorry. (((Hugs)))
Franchesca,
I'm so sorry you are having one of those moments when your sweet girl feels so far away. I hate those moments. Thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort in your memories.
Those moments come often for me as well. It feels like she is slipping away even more. I think its in that moment when it hits us that they feel far away that they come back to us to reassure us they are there.
I know to well that memories are good but that they hurt to. I'm praying for you so much that God will give some peace and comfort. {{HUGS}}
Caroline
Hey friend, i wanted to share some memories i will forever have of getting to spend time with your precious Jenna.
Jenna, I almost got your daddy kicked out of the NICU. I only wanted to see the room with all the babies. We did make our way around but right when we reached you we got scolded. Your daddy was so mad at me at the time but he forgave me (I think... :) )
I too kept telling your mama how long your toes and feet were. How much you reminded me of her. Despite all the help you needed you stayed strong just like your mama. You have a strong mama.
I'll also never forget seeing the joy of your mom and dad watching you open your eyes for a second and when they put music by you how peaceful you looked hearing worship of the Lord. I miss ya girl. You have two really neat parents. What a lucky girl!
love U FRAN!!! We need another hang out soon
Franchesca, *hugs* These moments come and although its helpful to have them, they really make us miss our little ones. Sending prayers for healing during this time.
beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly ...
There are times when Carleigh feels far away too. I wish I could feel her close to me all the time. Thank you for sharing these memories of Jenna. I like to hear about her and I think it is so cute she has long fingers and toes!
Franchesca - I have no words. I am so sorry. :( *hugs*
all I can say is Ilove you...and continue to pray for you.
Why is it that our minds play such tricks on us. I was just thinking the same thing the other day but could not put into words how I felt. She does seem so far far away sometimes and just like a dream. I find myself some days looking at pictures to remember and that makes me so sad. I wish I had done likeyou and written down our memories. I am going to do it now though before too much time passes. I don't want to forget the little moments that were shared. Thank you for writing this. Hugs!!!
That's one of the reasons I started the blog. I didn't want to forget anything. But, I too feel memories slipping away. Thank you for sharing Jenna Belle with us!
Thank you for sharing your memories of your beautiful little Jenna.
I also have doubts, I worry that I brought my children pain. But everything we did, we did to give them the very best chance we could, from love. We had to take every single one of those little chances.
xo
It's only been 9 weeks for me and already I've started having some of these moments where she feels so far away. It's the scariest thing...
Thank you for sharing these memories of your precious Jenna.
Thank you for sharing a sweet memory of Jenna. That was very good advice! I have only my memory and a few notes I jotted down on his calendar.
Though painful, what beautiful, precious memories of sweet little Jenna! It's so hard to experience the passing of time, which always causes memories to fade. I wish it wasn't so! I'm so glad you have written these things down, though, so you can always hold onto them! ((HUGS))
Oh Franchesca, sending you so many prayers as you remember your sweet girl. I wish I couldn't so identify with this post, but I can. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry for the days she feels so far away.
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