I wasn't ready again. Daddy needed the SD card so I copied and pasted those pictures on it in a safe place. But it was hard. I hadn't seen those pictures since you died. Actually I hadn't seen you like that since you died. I had never seen those pictures. I knew they existed, but I have not been able to bring myself to look at them. To remember you like that. It is so hard.
Five months today.
There is not a lot to say, except that my heart hurts so bad. I never imagined this would ever happen to me. Growing up I did not know babies could die - that's how ridiculously naive I was. Ridiculously carefree...
I want to be that little girl again that loves children, longs for babies, and envisions raising them; not wondering if I will ever get to bring a baby home from the hospital.
I have a hard time convincing myself that I am not angry. Secret's out, I still am. I just miss you... Those pictures, they brought it all back. I wasn't ready. But once I got a glance I couldn't not look. You are beautiful, Jenna. Even in death.
I asked Daddy if it was wrong that I couldn't look at them. He said no. He understands. He really couldn't look for long either.
I remember getting to hold you for the first time, only for it to be the last time too. I felt like time was swallowing me up as the hour was approaching to switch you to that other breathing machine so I could hold you. I wanted to hold you, but I didn't want to let you go.
How does one prepare to say goodbye when you know its too soon? How did I not die of a broken heart that day or these past five months?? FIVE MONTHS! It hardly seems like that long ago.
I know that the God that gave you to me has also been faithful to not let my broken heart kill me. It broke a little extra today.
I wonder if there will ever be a time when I can look at these pictures and not cry because the missing hurts too much? Does that day really exist? I hear it does. I hear that one day I will be in a "healthier" place to confront those hard memories. That's what I hear. That is what I look forward to. I look forward to a place where your memory doesn't break me.
17 comments:
The day will come for all of us when the pain in memories fade... I hope it comes sooner than later for all of us.
I love you sweet friend. 5 mon. Jenna belle, your "aunt" katie misses you but know that you have taught me so much about life and the God you are with.
Admist this heartache friend, Jesus continues to give you strength even when you hit those moments when you aren't sure. You amaze me and you are precious to me. I love you! I love Jenna! I even think I like Pete. hehe
Happy 5 months in Heaven Jenna!! Your mommy sure does miss you and loves you lots!!
Sending you a hug.
It was 5 months for us on the 14th. Doesn't that just blow your mind? 5 months ago? Really? I looked at Janessa's pictures the day after we got home from the hospital. I don't know how I did it. I can now look at them and not sob. You will get there. Promise. There will be a day when you NEED to look at those pictures of your sweet lil one and you will smile when you see her pretty little face.
When that time comes please know I will be here if you ever want a video made for her at Every Life Has A Story. It would be an honor.
Franchesca - it's all so hard. I couldn't look at Nicholas' pictures for the longest time either.... I have one in our family room, with his Angel Wings and footprints and I remember in those early, early days trying to avoid making eye contact with it. When I did, my eyes would glaze, my heart would crumble all over again. Now, almost a year later.... most days I can look at his pictures and smile... remember him for what a true treasure he is to our family. Then again, there are other days I can actually feel him, smell him, when I look at those pictures.... time doesn't heal, it just allows those "raw" emotions become a little softer.
Missing your baby girl with you.
Happy five months Jenna, I am thinking of you today...
It is so hard to think that remembering that first time you held them was also the last time you held them. So sad. My heart is broken with yours Francesca.
hugs,
christy
Oh Franchesca, I can feel your pain and relate to your words. I'm not sure a time ever comes where we can look at the pictures of our babies and not be sad. Be sad for what happened, for what has been taken away, for the future we won't have. I still haven't looked at L's pictures and its been 4.5 months. I know they are there, I just can't look at them. I can't bring myself to delete the pictures off my computer...even though they are burned on multiple disks and my passport (external drive). Its a long, twisted road....I wish the first time you held Jenna was the first of many. I too know the pain of that first holding, knowing it was the end. We went through that with L and it was devastating. :(
Tons of *hugs*
Happy 5 months in heaven Jenna. {{HUGS}} 4 you Mommy, thinking of you always
Caroline
It's five months today (the 19th) for our George being born into eternal life. I feel for you and your aching pain. Sending you hugs and lifting you - and precious Jenna - in prayer. (((Hugs)))
Happy five months beautiful sweet Jenna!! Please especially now send your mommy and daddy some love from heaven so that they may feel your warm spirit.
Franchesca, praying for healing and hope for you. *hugs*
Happy 5 months sweet Jenna! I hope you feel her close to you today.
I can relate to this post a bit. Last night I wanted to pull out some of her things because I needed to touch them. I could only bare to hold her newborn cap and to look at the ultrasound pictures that had once brought me so much joy. It really is hard...
Thinking of you, Franchesca.
I looking forward to that day too! I have pictures up of Wyatt all over my house, but most of the time I don't look at them... I feel guilty, but my heart already hurts enough before I lay eyes on his sweet little face.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Hugs,
Danielle
It took me a long time to get to that place. I had to remind myself that at that stage I would've still been considered a new mom if Levi were here. Time doesn't heal all wounds- but it does make things easier. (((hugs)))
It is still very hard for me too and it has only been 9 months...
There will be a time for all of us to look at pictures of our babies and when that day comes it will be a joyous one.
Praying - Kimberly
I know, it can be so painful to look at "those pictures." I usually only do when I know I have some time to myself to cry if I need to. Sometimes I need to look at them, when I feel like time is causing her to slip away, I just need to focus on her and our few memories, but it really is just so sad. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you, holding her alive, but knowing it was so fleeting. Praying for you tonight! ((HUGS))
Your post really struck a chord with me. I know what you mean about wanting to look but being unable to for too long because it hurts too much. We have a video of Peyton that I still cannot bear to watch, it hurts too much to watch her. Sending yoy hugs my friend, you will get through.
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