Secret Garden Meeting - October

The Secret Garden is a place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

This grief no doubt has many unexpected turns and twists. The longer I'm on this journey to hopefully healing, the more I realize the permanence of this loss. More than anger and frustration, I am being swallowed up in sadness. The guilt has been left behind for the most part, along with being angry at God or anybody else. It's just sadness right now. But I'm not even a crying mess, like I was a few weeks ago. The sadness creeps in while I'm teaching, driving, working, in conversation with someone, cleaning, sleeping, dreaming, anything really. It's always there in the back of my head, and it is the burden that weighs me down. I get to wondering if it will always be this way? 

I am in some twisted way learning to accept this fate. She's in Heaven, me still here, but even in acceptance the loss is wearisome. The sadness is derived mostly from how far time has taken me away from her life, and those moments I got to know her. Lately, it's not so much over the things I missed out on with her. Don't get me wrong, those things make me sad when I get reminded, but that's a bottomless pit of disaster every time I go there. Because there is no end to what I missed out on had I had the chance to raise her.



So this is me. Sad. Sad. Sad. Along with this sadness, there is a burning desire to cherish those moments I had with her. Even in the pregnancy, after hearing all the bad news, I still enjoyed her so much. I never let myself stay sad when I was carrying her, or watching her in the NICU. Maybe I am making up for it now? Who knows... I feel that there are never enough ways to honor her life. I strive to honor her life through mine, living in the moment, and loving life. 


I'm crazy excited about getting to start her memory garden in a few weeks. And by next summer I will be able to crack open my paints again! I want to be free again to remember my daughter and not be constrained by sadness. My loss was her gain, and I want to live like it.

So, have I found peace? Yes. I really have. The peace is ever present as I keep my eyes fixed on the One who can heal me completely one day.

Nothing

Dear Jenna,

What I wouldn't do to hold you again

To look on your sweet face

The very one who completed my world

for 13 days

What I wouldn't do to be your mommy again

To be by your side,

Even if meant there in that cold room

With doctors and their fancy words

We knew nothing about

What I wouldn't do to watch you move

and try to open your eyes

Wondering at the world as I wondered

at the color of your eyes

What I wouldn't do to watch Daddy stare at you

So proud of his firstborn daughter

It was new, so new

And perfect

What I wouldn't do to let you know I love you

To explain the very meaning of this hurt

Because I loved and love you

Deeply

What I wouldn't do to empty myself of this life

That constantly throws

Reminders at me

That once upon a time I was a mother...

What I wouldn't do to divorce myself from the grave

That knows my daughter all to well

And mocks me the times that I visit you

As if victory ended that day

What I wouldn't do to make the world see

that people hurt everyday

that babies don't always come home

And that you existed

What I wouldn't do to hold your hand again

The memory of that perfect feeling

Pierces me and it hurts

To remember how happy you made me

What I wouldn't do to make myself just see

That you really are alright

That Heaven is beyond what this world could ever give you

And you still know me as your mommy.

I love you, my precious Princess Jenna Belle

Happy Four Months, My Precious Jenna

It's hard to believe that she would have been four months today. They say time is your friend, but right now time feels like a thief. Taking me further and further away from the most precious moments of my life, spent with her. The doctors would tell us that she would have spent at least four months in the NICU. Something about this month made me think of that. I could have been bringing her home. Maybe.  

On her balloons, her daddy and me write messages to her. Who knows... Maybe God reads them to her? I think it's quite possible she enjoys these balloons in ways we cannot even imagine.

I got to tell her how much I love her...

How much I miss her...

and that I am so thankful I got to meet her...

A More Perfect Love

I see your tears

When noone else does

I know how you miss me

And the emptiness you feel

I wish sometimes I could tell you

How I really am ok

How Heaven is far sweeter than words can tell

How precious the Lord is and I'm at home

Where all is well

I know that doesn't soften the blow

I know that doesn't dry your eyes

But if I could tell you just one thing

It would be that in Heaven there's just a more perfect love

A love that dries tears

A love that stands still

A love that doesn't know time

A love that forgets the woes of this life

And while you miss me being in your arms

I miss you too

But time hasn't torn a hole in my heart yet,

It's not been but a few moments

that I have been gone

The place where we one day will meet

Is closer than it feels

And me, your precious Angel

Am closer than you think

The life that I lived reached our Father's will

Far sooner than you would have chosen

But from Heaven the big picture is clear

And there's no doubt behind it there is perfection

The love that fills your heart for me

Does not go unseen

The tears you cry because I'm not there

Will be dried in Heaven

The longing that haunts you with emptiness

Will one day be restored

But Mother, in my new home

There is just a more perfect love

-written August 16, 2009

First Dream

I wish I could dream about you
like before
Before the fifth, before the NICU, before the nightmare.
Only it wasn't a nightmare.

We lived it didn't we?
You made it out alright
I'm not sure I did
Lots of rain, even when its sunny
And there are storm clouds even on a "good" day

Weak smiles, guilty laughter
Just know I always miss you
Life demands I keep on going
Even when I want to stop
I have to keep surviving

My sweet precious Jenna Belle
Your days will always be remembered
Your death I won't let ruin me
So when I seem like I'm alright
Struggling to show the deep corners of my heart

It sinks everyday,
but for you, because of Christ
It will be ok
Just know I always miss you
You will always be our firstborn
And not forgotten

The house you never lived in feels empty
And that chokes me to tears
My heart cries when my eyes can't
Loneliness in a crowd is such a paradox
But it's real.

Part of the sorrow is comforting
The part of you that lives in me
How I wish it could be you kicking me inside instead!
Useless wishing
I better just be thankful

You held on
You fought
No, I haven't forgotten
You saw us and you loved us.

A lifetime ago
But not really
I hate that time steals the tenderness of it all
The world is forgetting, but not me
My heart stands still as the world around me spins

My dear child, my first dream
First hopes, first steps
First words
First haircut
They would have been our firsts.

Someday I might wake up in a better place
Far from heartache
Tears
Broken smiles
Lost joy and bittersweet memories

But if that's what it takes to remember you
You're worth it
Life is precious
Heaven is sweeter,
My precious daughter.

Good Grief

"For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead. Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate." -Psalm 143:3, 4

I feel completely vulnerable writing right now, but I have decided to be honest, brutally honest about what is really happening inside of me.

Pete (my loving husband, for those of you who don't know) asked me how I was doing when we got home from work today. I told him I was having a meltdown a minute ago. He likes to make light of a bad situation, which these days really helps. He hugged me while he said- You look pretty solid to me... No, inside I am melting.

The further I go without my baby girl, the less I understand what God is doing. Its almost like it hurts more now than it did initially. It was easier to "accept" those first few weeks. I want to know what its like to be a mother... I HATE this pain. I really really do. I hurt so much I am just mad about it. Can anyone relate??? I really really don't like writing all of this. I feel like this a "woe is me" post. Be brutally honest... Grief isn't all bad, but it is harsh. It can be very ugly at times. And right now it is. All I can think about is missing her. Missing her. Missing her. Missing my daughter.

In spite of this awful phase of grief right now, I KNOW the skies will clear up one day. But I sure can't feel it.

Psalm 143 ended with "for I am thy servant." In spite of his pain David knew some things. So I am going to keep doing what I've been doing from the start. Breathe. Believe by faith that God makes no mistakes. Keep telling myself something good can come from this horrible horrible pit. And most of all think about her gain. Or at least I will try.

What About Them Clouds??

So I told you I liked the clouds... If you haven't read about it yet, I do. I absolutely love them. Its the one thing from God's creation that man can do little to destroy. (Well, aside from covering them up with smog, man cannot even destroy them!) So anyway I was driving home and here are some more clouds... Aren't they beautiful!? Well the picture really doesn't do it justice. It was just after a thunderstorm and some rain. The trees were the intensely saturated green from being completely soaked, and the sun was barely glimpsing over the horizon. If the skies are this beautiful I cannot even wrap my mind around how beautiful Heaven must be. Jenna's home. (sigh)

Birthday Wishes

Birthday Wishes



The day that should have marked her birth

And the day that we should have welcomed her home

Is nothing more than a whisper right now

That echoes today you're alone.



Instead of holding her gently

And giving her my first kiss

Instead of smelling her sweet baby scent

Today its those things that I miss



By looking at me one would never know

That I worked hard to carry a baby into this world

That today I should have given birth

That two months ago I buried my baby girl



But I know that this world cannot compare

To the welcome the angels gave

When Heaven opened its white pearly gates

As my sweet precious Jenna flew

To a home without tears, suffering and pain.



But as I feel that her candles burned out too soon

And her birthday wishes never came true

I know that her cake topped with sweet vanilla cream

Is much better in Heaven in the presence of the King.

Heavenly Play-Do

Just when I think I've finished feeling alone and lost, I haven't. There is that ugly monster's head of complete and utter loneliness again. And while I know several strong Christian women who have broken this lonely path before, I can't find it in me to ask for help. When I think I want to, I try and think - What do I say???!? I don't know. Nothing they say isn't something I haven't already heard. So I keep it inside until my facial expressions tell on me. My loving husband (who is handling this with an amazing strenth) then asks me, "Are you ok?"

"No. Not really."

He already knows what its all about. Jenna. Sooo not fair.

But who says it has to be fair? Certainly not God. His plan is greater, I have to remind myself. I have to believe this otherwise I will lose it. He also makes NO mistake. He let it happen. He allowed this. Not me, not anybody else. He did.

But in the midst of all these ups and downs my heart is breaking. Breaking like I never dreamed possible. I look up a lot. I like the clouds. A lot. Its like the clouds are the footstool of heaven. Sometimes I look up and well you might think I am crazy after you read this. But sometimes I look up and I make out shapes of different things like we do when we're kids. Well, I like to think that every now and then God lets Jenna play with the clouds from heaven, sort of like play-do or shaving cream on the table, only on a large scale. My imagination really helps me these days.

It's possible.