Fleeting Memories

I was told right after you died, to write my memories down. The small ones, the ones I cherished because they happened with you. The ones I thought surely I'd never forget. I am so glad I did.

There are times like today when you feel not just dead, but far far away. So far away that your life is like a dream. But then I see that picture in the kitchen and I know you happened. I am so sorry. I hate that my mind does this. I can't even pinpoint what drags me into this abyss where you just seem so far from me. Maybe it has to do with time, and how six months will be here too soon.

Regardless, I want to share a memory or two that I have written down. It's been awhile since I let myself crack these open. They hurt, Jenna. They hurt. But I want to be close to you again.

Right after you died, no sooner would my eyes start to well up with tears that I would hear your soft sweet spirit assuring me "I'm okay, Mommy."

But now that's gone. I know you're okay, but I miss that feeling of how I just knew you were right there next to me as Mommy was balling her eyes out in the car at the red light.

I remember...

Being afraid the first time I laid eyes on you in the NICU. I asked the nurse if it was okay to touch you and she let me. I was so afraid of hurting you. She did tell me not to caress you since your nervous system had not fully developed and caressing would more than likely agitate you. I could not believe how small you were! But also pretty long for such a small baby. It was so surreal to behold the very creature that only hours prior had been kicking me furiously with that stupid monitor strapping you down! Fearfully and wonderfully made - what a truth! Your feet were long and your fingers were long too, just like mine. I told everybody that they would not go to waste and would definitely be learning the piano. =) I could not wait. I remember observing you for hours on end and studying your fingernails and toenails. How perfect you were.

You never let in on how much pain you were really in. I still can't move past that point of how much pain I am no doubt responsible for. But I was trying to give you every chance to live. The doctors never let us believe that it was hopeless until the end. We had to believe in those small chances, every last one of them - if it meant fighting to keep you with us. Thank you for being such a fighter, Jenna.

Nothing

Dear Jenna,

What I wouldn't do to hold you again

To look on your sweet face

The very one who completed my world

for 13 days

What I wouldn't do to be your mommy again

To be by your side,

Even if meant there in that cold room

With doctors and their fancy words

We knew nothing about

What I wouldn't do to watch you move

and try to open your eyes

Wondering at the world as I wondered

at the color of your eyes

What I wouldn't do to watch Daddy stare at you

So proud of his firstborn daughter

It was new, so new

And perfect

What I wouldn't do to let you know I love you

To explain the very meaning of this hurt

Because I loved and love you

Deeply

What I wouldn't do to empty myself of this life

That constantly throws

Reminders at me

That once upon a time I was a mother...

What I wouldn't do to divorce myself from the grave

That knows my daughter all to well

And mocks me the times that I visit you

As if victory ended that day

What I wouldn't do to make the world see

that people hurt everyday

that babies don't always come home

And that you existed

What I wouldn't do to hold your hand again

The memory of that perfect feeling

Pierces me and it hurts

To remember how happy you made me

What I wouldn't do to make myself just see

That you really are alright

That Heaven is beyond what this world could ever give you

And you still know me as your mommy.

I love you, my precious Princess Jenna Belle

Thank God for the Roses

Lately... I have been having some rough days. I literally felt like I was drowning in this sea of grief, with no relief. I have been angry about what happened and the frustration that tags along with the loss has been eating away my joy. Not to mention all the millions of other emotions that follow anger...

But today I tasted the goodness of God. I forgot just how good He really is. He was there with me today. I carried a newborn for the first time after my sweet Jenna Belle today. And I think He must have been carrying me. Some might think it too soon but it helped me. It wasn't my baby - that part hurt. I realized what I am missing out on. But just to hold a miracle from God and know that healthy babies really happen. And to smell the sweet baby smell and to rock the baby to sleep - it really really did something. It gave me hope and something to look forward to. Something to treasure and be thankful for. Someone told me God won't let you stay down. Every once in a while, He'll send you a rose. Thank God for the roses.

Thank you, Mrs. Carol for sitting with me.

"Thou, which hast shown me great and sore troubles, shalt quicken me again, and shalt bring me up again from the depths of the earth."

- Psalm 71:20

Texas Knows My Angel

I don't even know what to say really...
I got it today. Her birth certificate. I was instantly happy since we'd gone through a lot to get it.
But it made it real all over again.

I think the Lord in His mercy gave me a good day where I wasn't falling apart until I checked the mail this evening. I kept wondering, Why am I ok? I mean I missed her, but the pain was not consuming me today.

And then I thought it must have been orchestrated from Heaven. Just giving me a glimpse of relief before I would have to look at it. It made me happy I said, but it also made me sad.

I know these details won't mean much to most people. But it will mean something to a baby lost mother someday and hopefullly give her the assurance that she's not crazy and definitely not alone. These days are the days we'd rather not live. And they are big days. Sad days that no one on the planet (except for those who have buried a baby) understands.

It has been over three months and the state finally knows about her...

It's just a document, but it constitutes her existence on this earth for even a short while.

It is proof that my angel was not just a dream... There are times that it seems like it all happened so fast, it feels as though I dreamed the whole thing up. That is the worst worst WORST feeling. The whisper of her life and the fear of forgetting.