I got it today. Her birth certificate. I was instantly happy since we'd gone through a lot to get it.
But it made it real all over again.
I think the Lord in His mercy gave me a good day where I wasn't falling apart until I checked the mail this evening. I kept wondering, Why am I ok? I mean I missed her, but the pain was not consuming me today.
And then I thought it must have been orchestrated from Heaven. Just giving me a glimpse of relief before I would have to look at it. It made me happy I said, but it also made me sad.
I know these details won't mean much to most people. But it will mean something to a baby lost mother someday and hopefullly give her the assurance that she's not crazy and definitely not alone. These days are the days we'd rather not live. And they are big days. Sad days that no one on the planet (except for those who have buried a baby) understands.
It has been over three months and the state finally knows about her...
It's just a document, but it constitutes her existence on this earth for even a short while.
It is proof that my angel was not just a dream... There are times that it seems like it all happened so fast, it feels as though I dreamed the whole thing up. That is the worst worst WORST feeling. The whisper of her life and the fear of forgetting.
