Nothing

Dear Jenna,

What I wouldn't do to hold you again

To look on your sweet face

The very one who completed my world

for 13 days

What I wouldn't do to be your mommy again

To be by your side,

Even if meant there in that cold room

With doctors and their fancy words

We knew nothing about

What I wouldn't do to watch you move

and try to open your eyes

Wondering at the world as I wondered

at the color of your eyes

What I wouldn't do to watch Daddy stare at you

So proud of his firstborn daughter

It was new, so new

And perfect

What I wouldn't do to let you know I love you

To explain the very meaning of this hurt

Because I loved and love you

Deeply

What I wouldn't do to empty myself of this life

That constantly throws

Reminders at me

That once upon a time I was a mother...

What I wouldn't do to divorce myself from the grave

That knows my daughter all to well

And mocks me the times that I visit you

As if victory ended that day

What I wouldn't do to make the world see

that people hurt everyday

that babies don't always come home

And that you existed

What I wouldn't do to hold your hand again

The memory of that perfect feeling

Pierces me and it hurts

To remember how happy you made me

What I wouldn't do to make myself just see

That you really are alright

That Heaven is beyond what this world could ever give you

And you still know me as your mommy.

I love you, my precious Princess Jenna Belle

In Jenna's Name

In honor of my sweet Jenna's life, I have started creating Hope Collages for babylost mamas. It seems there are never enough ways to memorialize their lives.

I can do this for children of all ages, up to 18 years old. If you have lost or know someone that has lost a child due to miscarriage, neonatal loss, illness, tragedy, or anything really, I would be honored to create one for them. I would like to be able to do this for as long as I can.

There are a lifetime of words that will never be spoken because we were asked to say goodbye too soon. This is a way to piece all those words together that so often remind us of our angels. I do this free of charge and the turnaround time is 5-7 days.

Please visit Abiding Hope Collages at: www.hopecollage.org if you are interested.

Here are some examples of the hope collages...

Just What I Needed

Today I was having a day that started ok but quickly spiraled downward. When I checked the mail, I found this in the mailbox and it made me cry more, but it was just what I needed. Thank you, Deborah.
In case you don't know, Deborah sends babylost mamas these beautiful handkerchiefs from her blog For Your Tears.

Aside from this gift being the consolation I needed, it was also perfect. When Jenna died, we dressed her in a white dress with lavender embroidery at the top. I will always associate the color lavender with her death. The night she was born and put in the NICU, the nurse put a bright red bow with polkadots on her sweet baby curls. But I wanted to keep that bow as a precious precious memory. So to match her dress, we put a white bow on her. Anyway, I just wanted to openly thank Deborah and share this bittersweet moment. God really does care about us.

Happy Four Months, My Precious Jenna

It's hard to believe that she would have been four months today. They say time is your friend, but right now time feels like a thief. Taking me further and further away from the most precious moments of my life, spent with her. The doctors would tell us that she would have spent at least four months in the NICU. Something about this month made me think of that. I could have been bringing her home. Maybe.  

On her balloons, her daddy and me write messages to her. Who knows... Maybe God reads them to her? I think it's quite possible she enjoys these balloons in ways we cannot even imagine.

I got to tell her how much I love her...

How much I miss her...

and that I am so thankful I got to meet her...

Name in the Ground

I never thought it would be this way
To see her name in the ground
To visit my firstborn in the heat of the day
and see her name like this
Beautiful
Morbid
Feelings of utter disgust


Something inside just can't see past
That part of me that let her down
Put she's ok today
I know she is
My heart weeps daily for the one that I love
She brought sunshine and love
Smiles and a whole bunch of hurt
When she left this earth.


It wasn't supposed to be like this
She should have buried me
Someday faraway
She should have picked my headstone
And the flowers and funeral arrange
But God had a bigger plan
Still not able to see it clearly


Maybe someday is not that far away
To see my precious one again
Each day feels like an eternity
Stretching my patience and sympathy
Trying my faith and peace of mind
Daily
Constant
Here I find His hand sufficient


When all inside me has failed
Failed myself
My firstborn
My dreams
My life


Here I find His grace
and love
The sweet comfort down inside
But there are days when I feel alone
Today I saw her name in the ground
Alone and beautiful all the same
It wasn't supposed to be like this


I should have been monogramming her name on pillows or sheets
Blankets or bags
Not on a headstone.
Not like this
Today the emptiness is drowning
This tide of sorrow blinds my sight
And I wait for tomorrow's hope.

Something to Live For: Hope

I have been missing my little baby girl so.... MUCH. I just want to hold her, see her, smell her again. (sigh) Lots of moments I hadn't thought about in a while came to my memory this past week. Painful memories. But we shared them with her and for that they are precious. The more I go into this the less I appreciate it and the less I understand why. There's a question for eternity. Why. But it just is the way it is. I miss her. I am glad I got to know her. I just feel cheated, so very cheated on motherhood. I know I serve a GOOD God. He has definitely been there for me. Even when I didn't feel it, and sometimes I don't, He is undoubtedly there. He sustains me, keeps me going and gives me something to live for everyday. I cling to the hope He has given. Sometimes I just have to take Him for His word when all else fails, because He said so.

"My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer."

-Psalm 45:1

The Secret Garden Meeting July

http://thesecretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com/2009/07/july-meeting.html

The Secret Garden Meeting comes together the last Friday of every month to offer support, hope, healing, acceptance and most importantly a place to be free and safe for bereaved parents. The questions for July are below with some of my thoughts...

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

At first it was extremely hard to imagine Jenna Belle anywhere. Everyone kept telling me that she was in Heaven. That was a nice thought but so hard to get a mental picture of. After about three weeks to a month, I could finally see her. This brought a new peace and comfort that she was in good hands. Today I see her on the street of gold, with her dark curly pigtails bouncing around as she rides her pony. I can see her in the presence of family and friends who have gone on before, like her grandpa. And the best part is she is healthy. And happy. I don't believe she will have grown a whole lot from the moment we said goodbye when we meet again since time in Heaven is not like it is on earth.

On my hard days, even this vision does not offer a whole lot of comfort since there is still separation. It's times like that that I know she is not as far away as I feel. She watches me, listens to me and loves me. Sometimes I get this thought that she is right next to me but I just can't see her. She knows that I miss her and she waits.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Its hard to say right now. There are of course the natural fears of history repeating itself, which would be the end of me. All I can do is hope for God's mercy.

"The Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy."

-Psalm 147:11