Secret Garden Meeting - October

The Secret Garden is a place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

This grief no doubt has many unexpected turns and twists. The longer I'm on this journey to hopefully healing, the more I realize the permanence of this loss. More than anger and frustration, I am being swallowed up in sadness. The guilt has been left behind for the most part, along with being angry at God or anybody else. It's just sadness right now. But I'm not even a crying mess, like I was a few weeks ago. The sadness creeps in while I'm teaching, driving, working, in conversation with someone, cleaning, sleeping, dreaming, anything really. It's always there in the back of my head, and it is the burden that weighs me down. I get to wondering if it will always be this way? 

I am in some twisted way learning to accept this fate. She's in Heaven, me still here, but even in acceptance the loss is wearisome. The sadness is derived mostly from how far time has taken me away from her life, and those moments I got to know her. Lately, it's not so much over the things I missed out on with her. Don't get me wrong, those things make me sad when I get reminded, but that's a bottomless pit of disaster every time I go there. Because there is no end to what I missed out on had I had the chance to raise her.



So this is me. Sad. Sad. Sad. Along with this sadness, there is a burning desire to cherish those moments I had with her. Even in the pregnancy, after hearing all the bad news, I still enjoyed her so much. I never let myself stay sad when I was carrying her, or watching her in the NICU. Maybe I am making up for it now? Who knows... I feel that there are never enough ways to honor her life. I strive to honor her life through mine, living in the moment, and loving life. 


I'm crazy excited about getting to start her memory garden in a few weeks. And by next summer I will be able to crack open my paints again! I want to be free again to remember my daughter and not be constrained by sadness. My loss was her gain, and I want to live like it.

So, have I found peace? Yes. I really have. The peace is ever present as I keep my eyes fixed on the One who can heal me completely one day.

Secret Garden - September Meeting

This month, for the Secret Garden Meeting, we are focusing on what has helped us through the loss of our babies. To participate you can go to The Secret Garden Meeting website or visit to read what has helped others. This group meets once a month to offer comfort, support and love in a safe environment.

For me, it has been a handful of things. Mostly it has been the sufficient grace of God. There are times, no doubt, when it seems like I am walking alone, but He always has a way of showing me just how much He cares and knows how much I hurt daily. He has filled this rough path with promises of hope and comfort through His Word.

Another thing God has given me is the commitment of my husband's support through this time. Given, men just grieve differently (topic for another day) but he is just there for me. When I am down, he likes to make me smile and picture Jenna just having a time of her life. Other times, like lately, he will be sad with me. I like that.

Blogging and connecting with other women through this blog community has helped me on so many levels. It has shown me that there is a world of women hurting and shattered over the loss of their child(ren). It takes my mind off of me. This journaling has also been therapuetic to allow me to write my heart out.  

Talking about her is the best thing on planet Earth! The people IRL who will actually listen to me talk about her without shriveling up in fear are far and few between, but God has been good to put a few people out there. I love talking about Jenna. She is my world, even now. I wish I could tell the world how we should be allowed to talk about our babies who left this earth too soon. Making us feel uncomfortable or avoiding the subject only adds to the loss we are enduring, like pushing her into nonexistence. It hurts so much. So here is my safe place. The community who will listen and understand. The women who yearn to share their stories, memories and heartbreak. I am so thankful for this blogging community.


Honestly, there are few things I like doing now because social activities are still out of the comfort zone for me. I feel like a hermit, but that's just how life is right now. Home is a safe place - far from newborns, pregnant women, careless words, careless people... so I guess in a way you can say being home has been a help to me. I have never been a homebody until now. I used to be the one who liked to always be on the go and run around even if it meant just window-shopping or running errands. Strange how life changes.

Secret Garden Meeting - August

This month at the Secret Garden, we are talking about our babies bedrooms and their belongings. This is a place where bereaved parents can come together and share their stories, their babies' lives and get support.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Jenna's nursery was not the traditional light pink and fluffy theme. I wanted something different with a splash of saturation and personality. Her walls were painted avocado green and accented with fuchsia and violet blankets, butterflies, curtains and just anything girlie I could think of. We went a little crazy since we were jazzed about having a girl...



Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
It was not finished when we came home empty-handed. It was especially devastating to see the nursery furniture that the grandparents' had so generously purchased. I still wonder if it will ever be used.


If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
It was hard, and nearly impossible to believe what was really happening. I would walk into her room, and for a split second forget that I wasn't pregnant anymore. There would be no baby to put to sleep, or nurse or sing to. The stuffed animals are some of my favorite things since they were in her incubator with her. We had her clothes, diapers, lotion, hats, socks, shoes, blankets, and more clothes... It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Walking into her room full of shattered dreams brought the coldest wind of disappointment and grief. Somehow, it was still nice to have something to hold that was all Jenna's. I continued to decorate her room until it was practically finished. It was a place to go and shut the door and just think about her, cry my heart out, read my Bible and pray.


Did you pack it all away?
Nope. I loved looking at it, even though it crushed me. I cannot say that it helped me to heal by any means, it was just something that I had to do.

 What is your baby's room now?
Since we moved from where I first set her room up, it has been placed in boxes. When we move to our new home (hopefully November) I plan to start all over, and make a place for Jenna. This is what I think we will be doing, anyway. My feelings are like unpredictable lightening bolts.


If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
I am not pregnant again as of yet, but I would do it all over again. There's no harm in hoping for the best. I believe that hoping in God's mercy is the safest thing to do and each baby is worth it. Along with that hope comes a natural sense of fear...

The Secret Garden Meeting July

http://thesecretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com/2009/07/july-meeting.html

The Secret Garden Meeting comes together the last Friday of every month to offer support, hope, healing, acceptance and most importantly a place to be free and safe for bereaved parents. The questions for July are below with some of my thoughts...

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

At first it was extremely hard to imagine Jenna Belle anywhere. Everyone kept telling me that she was in Heaven. That was a nice thought but so hard to get a mental picture of. After about three weeks to a month, I could finally see her. This brought a new peace and comfort that she was in good hands. Today I see her on the street of gold, with her dark curly pigtails bouncing around as she rides her pony. I can see her in the presence of family and friends who have gone on before, like her grandpa. And the best part is she is healthy. And happy. I don't believe she will have grown a whole lot from the moment we said goodbye when we meet again since time in Heaven is not like it is on earth.

On my hard days, even this vision does not offer a whole lot of comfort since there is still separation. It's times like that that I know she is not as far away as I feel. She watches me, listens to me and loves me. Sometimes I get this thought that she is right next to me but I just can't see her. She knows that I miss her and she waits.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Its hard to say right now. There are of course the natural fears of history repeating itself, which would be the end of me. All I can do is hope for God's mercy.

"The Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy."

-Psalm 147:11