Secret Garden Meeting - August

This month at the Secret Garden, we are talking about our babies bedrooms and their belongings. This is a place where bereaved parents can come together and share their stories, their babies' lives and get support.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Jenna's nursery was not the traditional light pink and fluffy theme. I wanted something different with a splash of saturation and personality. Her walls were painted avocado green and accented with fuchsia and violet blankets, butterflies, curtains and just anything girlie I could think of. We went a little crazy since we were jazzed about having a girl...



Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
It was not finished when we came home empty-handed. It was especially devastating to see the nursery furniture that the grandparents' had so generously purchased. I still wonder if it will ever be used.


If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
It was hard, and nearly impossible to believe what was really happening. I would walk into her room, and for a split second forget that I wasn't pregnant anymore. There would be no baby to put to sleep, or nurse or sing to. The stuffed animals are some of my favorite things since they were in her incubator with her. We had her clothes, diapers, lotion, hats, socks, shoes, blankets, and more clothes... It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Walking into her room full of shattered dreams brought the coldest wind of disappointment and grief. Somehow, it was still nice to have something to hold that was all Jenna's. I continued to decorate her room until it was practically finished. It was a place to go and shut the door and just think about her, cry my heart out, read my Bible and pray.


Did you pack it all away?
Nope. I loved looking at it, even though it crushed me. I cannot say that it helped me to heal by any means, it was just something that I had to do.

 What is your baby's room now?
Since we moved from where I first set her room up, it has been placed in boxes. When we move to our new home (hopefully November) I plan to start all over, and make a place for Jenna. This is what I think we will be doing, anyway. My feelings are like unpredictable lightening bolts.


If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
I am not pregnant again as of yet, but I would do it all over again. There's no harm in hoping for the best. I believe that hoping in God's mercy is the safest thing to do and each baby is worth it. Along with that hope comes a natural sense of fear...

Head in the Sand

Well they say it gets worse and they're right. So far these last few days have been exhausting to say the least. At first, I missed her badly. But now the shock that prevented me from complete insanity is wearing off. The more it sheds off, the more reality shows. I really lost my daughter. The concept of having a daughter is still so new and amazing. Its just sad it ended so soon. Too soon. I feel like I am just going through the motions.. Doing what has to be done and not really living it. Today I went down to get her birth and death certificate. There was a room full of mothers doing exactly what I was doing. Only they still had their little ones.

The officer that was on duty offered his help.

He said you can't use the same form (birth and death) for two different people.

It's not two different people, I told him.

He didn't get it.

How's the other baby? he asked.

There is no other baby... My only daughter DIED! I wanted to scream.

How traumatic, he said like he was talking about someone else's life.

Yes. IT WAS.

Turns out the state hasn't received her records... blah blah blah

It's not about needing it. I need closure. Hopefully tomorrow I can get it...

My head's in the sand. I have never felt this way before I don't think. I can offer no comforting or uplifting words today, just honesty. This is life and I am adjusting. God is my strength and sometimes I have to just take his Word at face value, even when it doesn't seem like it.

"He hath also broken my teeth with gravel stones, he hath covered me with ashes."

-Lamentations 3:16

Good Grief

"For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead. Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate." -Psalm 143:3, 4

I feel completely vulnerable writing right now, but I have decided to be honest, brutally honest about what is really happening inside of me.

Pete (my loving husband, for those of you who don't know) asked me how I was doing when we got home from work today. I told him I was having a meltdown a minute ago. He likes to make light of a bad situation, which these days really helps. He hugged me while he said- You look pretty solid to me... No, inside I am melting.

The further I go without my baby girl, the less I understand what God is doing. Its almost like it hurts more now than it did initially. It was easier to "accept" those first few weeks. I want to know what its like to be a mother... I HATE this pain. I really really do. I hurt so much I am just mad about it. Can anyone relate??? I really really don't like writing all of this. I feel like this a "woe is me" post. Be brutally honest... Grief isn't all bad, but it is harsh. It can be very ugly at times. And right now it is. All I can think about is missing her. Missing her. Missing her. Missing my daughter.

In spite of this awful phase of grief right now, I KNOW the skies will clear up one day. But I sure can't feel it.

Psalm 143 ended with "for I am thy servant." In spite of his pain David knew some things. So I am going to keep doing what I've been doing from the start. Breathe. Believe by faith that God makes no mistakes. Keep telling myself something good can come from this horrible horrible pit. And most of all think about her gain. Or at least I will try.

What About Them Clouds??

So I told you I liked the clouds... If you haven't read about it yet, I do. I absolutely love them. Its the one thing from God's creation that man can do little to destroy. (Well, aside from covering them up with smog, man cannot even destroy them!) So anyway I was driving home and here are some more clouds... Aren't they beautiful!? Well the picture really doesn't do it justice. It was just after a thunderstorm and some rain. The trees were the intensely saturated green from being completely soaked, and the sun was barely glimpsing over the horizon. If the skies are this beautiful I cannot even wrap my mind around how beautiful Heaven must be. Jenna's home. (sigh)