More Closure

I finally got her death certificate. No idea why it took so long other than the fact that there was a hold up in Vital Statistics in Austin. Anyway, I wanted to jot this down. Remember this day. It was sad looking at it. I went to go pick them up and again that disbelief and awe struck me. But they recognized her life. It meant so much to see those 13 days on the certificate. I know that must sound absurd, but it just confirms the reality of her existence that often feels so far away. One day... one day... someday I will finish her scrapbook in a more healthy and capable mind and I think I am going to include a copy of her birth and death certificate along with her SS card. One day.

Head in the Sand

Well they say it gets worse and they're right. So far these last few days have been exhausting to say the least. At first, I missed her badly. But now the shock that prevented me from complete insanity is wearing off. The more it sheds off, the more reality shows. I really lost my daughter. The concept of having a daughter is still so new and amazing. Its just sad it ended so soon. Too soon. I feel like I am just going through the motions.. Doing what has to be done and not really living it. Today I went down to get her birth and death certificate. There was a room full of mothers doing exactly what I was doing. Only they still had their little ones.

The officer that was on duty offered his help.

He said you can't use the same form (birth and death) for two different people.

It's not two different people, I told him.

He didn't get it.

How's the other baby? he asked.

There is no other baby... My only daughter DIED! I wanted to scream.

How traumatic, he said like he was talking about someone else's life.

Yes. IT WAS.

Turns out the state hasn't received her records... blah blah blah

It's not about needing it. I need closure. Hopefully tomorrow I can get it...

My head's in the sand. I have never felt this way before I don't think. I can offer no comforting or uplifting words today, just honesty. This is life and I am adjusting. God is my strength and sometimes I have to just take his Word at face value, even when it doesn't seem like it.

"He hath also broken my teeth with gravel stones, he hath covered me with ashes."

-Lamentations 3:16