Secret Garden Meeting - August

This month at the Secret Garden, we are talking about our babies bedrooms and their belongings. This is a place where bereaved parents can come together and share their stories, their babies' lives and get support.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Jenna's nursery was not the traditional light pink and fluffy theme. I wanted something different with a splash of saturation and personality. Her walls were painted avocado green and accented with fuchsia and violet blankets, butterflies, curtains and just anything girlie I could think of. We went a little crazy since we were jazzed about having a girl...



Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
It was not finished when we came home empty-handed. It was especially devastating to see the nursery furniture that the grandparents' had so generously purchased. I still wonder if it will ever be used.


If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
It was hard, and nearly impossible to believe what was really happening. I would walk into her room, and for a split second forget that I wasn't pregnant anymore. There would be no baby to put to sleep, or nurse or sing to. The stuffed animals are some of my favorite things since they were in her incubator with her. We had her clothes, diapers, lotion, hats, socks, shoes, blankets, and more clothes... It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Walking into her room full of shattered dreams brought the coldest wind of disappointment and grief. Somehow, it was still nice to have something to hold that was all Jenna's. I continued to decorate her room until it was practically finished. It was a place to go and shut the door and just think about her, cry my heart out, read my Bible and pray.


Did you pack it all away?
Nope. I loved looking at it, even though it crushed me. I cannot say that it helped me to heal by any means, it was just something that I had to do.

 What is your baby's room now?
Since we moved from where I first set her room up, it has been placed in boxes. When we move to our new home (hopefully November) I plan to start all over, and make a place for Jenna. This is what I think we will be doing, anyway. My feelings are like unpredictable lightening bolts.


If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
I am not pregnant again as of yet, but I would do it all over again. There's no harm in hoping for the best. I believe that hoping in God's mercy is the safest thing to do and each baby is worth it. Along with that hope comes a natural sense of fear...