I'll admit I'm Rambling

I just can't wait to see you again... I thought about Jesus coming back all day and how then we could be together again... I just miss you. Then to top it off, the preacher, Brother Thompson preached about the second coming of Christ, imagine that. God must have knew I needed that. I hope it's sooner than later. Missing you like crazy.

My Heart on Halloween

Jenna, remembering you like I did has helped me. I was at your cousin's birthday party today surrounded by loving family and friends, elated at my new blessing on the way. But my heart still misses you. I kept trying to imagine what it should be like having an almost six month old in my arms. Would you have liked the caramel apples? The candy? The cake? The riot that your cousins are(whom I adore!)? I think you enjoyed it all from your little corner in my world. I have to believe you see it all. Just know I missed you. The pain was different today. It was less aggressive and more sobering than anything. Maybe I am accepting this fate of separation. Or maybe I really did just get a glimpse of you and how refreshing it is to feel you close to me again.

Love You, Miss You

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

October 15th

Your candle is burning in the other room

I didn't want to ever remember you this way.

It is morbid and lonely and the flame is all I have today

With thousands, no millions of other babylost mommies

I passed this day last year

And didn't blink an eye.

I was unaware that you and me would

identify with its significance the way we do now.

I wonder...

How many remembrance days have I been blindly living through

Naive and unaware

That one day I will identify with them too?

It's something I have said before,

but its strange how life changes.

Today I will remember you.

No different than the rest of the days

You are always on mommy's mind.

I think people sometimes wonder

What in the world is wrong with me -

Well, if they'd had to give up your sweet face

And bury your life

Maybe... they'd get me.

But today is not about anyone but you.

Today I will take you flowers

And miss you all over again

The tears will fall

And the memories will hurt me but it's grief that I am learning to live in.

I don't mind the tears the way I used to

I don't stop the memories because they bring me close to you.

I don't pretend I am ok; it's a true waste on energy.

I am embracing the pain because it is the result of loving you deeply.

I got to wondering in this crazy head of mine

How many angel friends do you have?

And is today the day you all come down and watch your candles burn?

Are you a little closer because you know it will be hard?

I like to think you are.

And that you are surrounded by love

And thousands of beautiful angel babies...

Just like you.

Love you, miss you, my precious Jenna Belle

What If...

Saturday, our last minute getaway (which we rarely do) to the Kemah Boardwalk turned out to be a emotional event for me. I didn't let my emotions control my feelings to the point where it would ruin our time there, but the crowd of people and the overwhelming amount of activity was almost too much. I have grown comfortable with a quiet, low-key daily routine. Rarely going out other than church and work and of course errands. (I sound so boring now!)

I cannot get over how much Jenna affects my everyday life. I literally began to tear up as we approached the rides and games. I guess in a way I felt torn between guilt of having a good time (or wanting to) and accepting that I could not bring my baby along... Or would we have even gone to Kemah if she had been here??? Endless questions, pretty much worthless. But they clog my brain nonetheless.

The frustration and anger of losing her has temporarily left me with a peace I cannot understand. I have embraced it as I know this phase will at any minute morph into one of the horrible stages of grief that I am all too familiar with. Something my husband told me the other day really helped me. I got to talking to him about missing her and all the things I feel like she missed out on and we missed out on.

He is so simple, I just love it sometimes. He said that maybe she wasn't meant to have those things. Now, in the past that would have brought a look of disgust as if to say Are you serious?! But I think this time it was coupled with my mind being a *little* more stable than before. It still hurts that I missed out on so much. And I will never be able to understand it all. I still HATE that she died. But I know that God has still been good. If she wasn't meant to live in this world for long, I like to think that she was not of this world. She was heavenly, unmarked by the sin of this world. I love that I can think of her as an angel. I don't know these things for sure, but it can't hurt to wonder...

What if?...

Secret Garden - September Meeting

This month, for the Secret Garden Meeting, we are focusing on what has helped us through the loss of our babies. To participate you can go to The Secret Garden Meeting website or visit to read what has helped others. This group meets once a month to offer comfort, support and love in a safe environment.

For me, it has been a handful of things. Mostly it has been the sufficient grace of God. There are times, no doubt, when it seems like I am walking alone, but He always has a way of showing me just how much He cares and knows how much I hurt daily. He has filled this rough path with promises of hope and comfort through His Word.

Another thing God has given me is the commitment of my husband's support through this time. Given, men just grieve differently (topic for another day) but he is just there for me. When I am down, he likes to make me smile and picture Jenna just having a time of her life. Other times, like lately, he will be sad with me. I like that.

Blogging and connecting with other women through this blog community has helped me on so many levels. It has shown me that there is a world of women hurting and shattered over the loss of their child(ren). It takes my mind off of me. This journaling has also been therapuetic to allow me to write my heart out.  

Talking about her is the best thing on planet Earth! The people IRL who will actually listen to me talk about her without shriveling up in fear are far and few between, but God has been good to put a few people out there. I love talking about Jenna. She is my world, even now. I wish I could tell the world how we should be allowed to talk about our babies who left this earth too soon. Making us feel uncomfortable or avoiding the subject only adds to the loss we are enduring, like pushing her into nonexistence. It hurts so much. So here is my safe place. The community who will listen and understand. The women who yearn to share their stories, memories and heartbreak. I am so thankful for this blogging community.


Honestly, there are few things I like doing now because social activities are still out of the comfort zone for me. I feel like a hermit, but that's just how life is right now. Home is a safe place - far from newborns, pregnant women, careless words, careless people... so I guess in a way you can say being home has been a help to me. I have never been a homebody until now. I used to be the one who liked to always be on the go and run around even if it meant just window-shopping or running errands. Strange how life changes.

I Heart Birdies

I am posting this in response to Danielle's post about what reminds us about our babies. Please visit Danielle's blog to partake in this post and/ or read other mamas' stories.

I have a lot of little reminders that follow me everywhere I go. There are times that it hurts like CRAZY and there are times that it brings me pure joy, because I have the privilege of being a mother. I will always be a mother, even if I never have another child. It does something for me that I can say that I have a daughter. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing I would like more than to just hold her again, but it was an honor to get to be by her side those 13 days and know that she knew me as her mother.

The biggest reminder for me are birds. Flying birds, sitting birds, cartoon birds...

When my husband told me years ago that he wanted to name our first girl Jenna, I liked the name, but I was not crazy about it. His little cousin is named Jenna and he just fell in love with the name. I agreed to it since it meant so much to him and I hadn't thought too much about baby names at all.

When we found out the baby I was carrying was a girl, there was no debate. We named her Jenna and scoured to the end of the earth for the perfect middle name. I would later find out that Jenna means "small bird".

How incredibly perfect for our 1 lb, 1 oz miracle of pure joy.

Ponies also remind me of my angel. Her grandfather promised her a pony when she turned five while she in the NICU. He really meant it too. He would have spoiled her rotten. =)

Thank you for reading about my Jenna

Peace in the Storm

Since I lost Jenna, I find myself re-evaluating everything in my life. Everything. Nothing is as it was. It's a bit overwhelming. When everything in this world keeps rotating and it feels like it should STOP, it just keeps going.


I feel out of place in the sunshine. Under a stormy sky, I feel right at home because that's how I feel inside. It sounds strange, but I just don't know if I will ever get to appreciate a beautiful sunny day for what it once was. I keep asking myself, How can it be so sunny and beautiful outside when my heart is so grief-stricken? When we live in a world where babies die and children get illnesses? How can the sun keep shining when there are countless broken mama's hearts all over the world? How can the skies be so blue as if nothing happened and my Jenna is not here like she should be? I keep asking these questions, as if the world revolves around me... News flash - it doesn't.


I get to thinking about what Jesus did on the cross and it melts my heart. I don't think I have ever appreciated it more than I do now. I write that to my shame, but her death just made my salvation and Heaven more real. He made it possible to see her again. He made a way. And that gives me hope, more than I can ever write about.


It's an amazing truth that I can survive this grief. I don't feel like it most days, but it is just mind-blowing that women have survived this lifeless and empty grief. That also gives me hope. I read about the mothers who have passed their first year or more without their little ones and that gives me a huge glimpse of hope. I can't see myself being in a better place right now, but it must be possible.


Lauren from "Walking by Faith" so perfectly worded it: "He’s showing me how to live life when it hurts to breathe some days."


It does hurt to breathe some days. It hurts to exist. I told someone the other day that I don't know how long I am going to be where I am in this grief, but this is just where I am. Desperately missing her. Devastated. Feeling deserted by God.


I know better than to feel those things, but I do. I know whom I have believed (II Tim. 1:12), and He is faithful but I can't help but feel that I have been let down by the One who could have saved her.


Lately where we live, it has been raining and stormy. It has perfectly captioned my heart's deepest sorrow. I stand here but I am really not alone. Even when my frail mind is doubting His cause, His love and His plan, He is right there, assuring me that it will be alright filling my heart with the the mystery of peace.

Happy Four Months, My Precious Jenna

It's hard to believe that she would have been four months today. They say time is your friend, but right now time feels like a thief. Taking me further and further away from the most precious moments of my life, spent with her. The doctors would tell us that she would have spent at least four months in the NICU. Something about this month made me think of that. I could have been bringing her home. Maybe.  

On her balloons, her daddy and me write messages to her. Who knows... Maybe God reads them to her? I think it's quite possible she enjoys these balloons in ways we cannot even imagine.

I got to tell her how much I love her...

How much I miss her...

and that I am so thankful I got to meet her...

Something to Live For: Hope

I have been missing my little baby girl so.... MUCH. I just want to hold her, see her, smell her again. (sigh) Lots of moments I hadn't thought about in a while came to my memory this past week. Painful memories. But we shared them with her and for that they are precious. The more I go into this the less I appreciate it and the less I understand why. There's a question for eternity. Why. But it just is the way it is. I miss her. I am glad I got to know her. I just feel cheated, so very cheated on motherhood. I know I serve a GOOD God. He has definitely been there for me. Even when I didn't feel it, and sometimes I don't, He is undoubtedly there. He sustains me, keeps me going and gives me something to live for everyday. I cling to the hope He has given. Sometimes I just have to take Him for His word when all else fails, because He said so.

"My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer."

-Psalm 45:1