Saturday, our last minute getaway (which we rarely do) to the Kemah Boardwalk turned out to be a emotional event for me. I didn't let my emotions control my feelings to the point where it would ruin our time there, but the crowd of people and the overwhelming amount of activity was almost too much. I have grown comfortable with a quiet, low-key daily routine. Rarely going out other than church and work and of course errands. (I sound so boring now!)
I cannot get over how much Jenna affects my everyday life. I literally began to tear up as we approached the rides and games. I guess in a way I felt torn between guilt of having a good time (or wanting to) and accepting that I could not bring my baby along... Or would we have even gone to Kemah if she had been here??? Endless questions, pretty much worthless. But they clog my brain nonetheless.
The frustration and anger of losing her has temporarily left me with a peace I cannot understand. I have embraced it as I know this phase will at any minute morph into one of the horrible stages of grief that I am all too familiar with. Something my husband told me the other day really helped me. I got to talking to him about missing her and all the things I feel like she missed out on and we missed out on.
He is so simple, I just love it sometimes. He said that maybe she wasn't meant to have those things. Now, in the past that would have brought a look of disgust as if to say Are you serious?! But I think this time it was coupled with my mind being a *little* more stable than before. It still hurts that I missed out on so much. And I will never be able to understand it all. I still HATE that she died. But I know that God has still been good. If she wasn't meant to live in this world for long, I like to think that she was not of this world. She was heavenly, unmarked by the sin of this world. I love that I can think of her as an angel. I don't know these things for sure, but it can't hurt to wonder...
What if?...
