Heavenly Play-Do

Just when I think I've finished feeling alone and lost, I haven't. There is that ugly monster's head of complete and utter loneliness again. And while I know several strong Christian women who have broken this lonely path before, I can't find it in me to ask for help. When I think I want to, I try and think - What do I say???!? I don't know. Nothing they say isn't something I haven't already heard. So I keep it inside until my facial expressions tell on me. My loving husband (who is handling this with an amazing strenth) then asks me, "Are you ok?"

"No. Not really."

He already knows what its all about. Jenna. Sooo not fair.

But who says it has to be fair? Certainly not God. His plan is greater, I have to remind myself. I have to believe this otherwise I will lose it. He also makes NO mistake. He let it happen. He allowed this. Not me, not anybody else. He did.

But in the midst of all these ups and downs my heart is breaking. Breaking like I never dreamed possible. I look up a lot. I like the clouds. A lot. Its like the clouds are the footstool of heaven. Sometimes I look up and well you might think I am crazy after you read this. But sometimes I look up and I make out shapes of different things like we do when we're kids. Well, I like to think that every now and then God lets Jenna play with the clouds from heaven, sort of like play-do or shaving cream on the table, only on a large scale. My imagination really helps me these days.

It's possible.