Honest Scrap Award

Thank you, Christy for the Honest Scrap Award. It means a lot that you take time to stop by my blog for Jenna Belle and post encouraging words. 

Christy, from A Piece of the Pearsons passed this award onto me and I get to pass it on to seven people! I might pick someone who has already received it before but here goes...

This award is for bloggers who write honestly from their heart, from the depth of their soul. There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

1. Rachel at Waiting For Morning 

2.Rachel at Running the Race

3. Carly at Love Reign Over Me

4. Holly at Caring for Carleigh

5. Danielle at Letting Go and Letting God

6. Caroline at The Croley Gang

7. Once a Mother 

Ten things about me... I think I have done this recently for Lynette Kraft's blog so I am just copying and pasting. =P

1. I am blessed to be have been Jenna Belle's Mommy for 13 days!

2. Gerber Daisies make the world a better place
3. I love ANYTHING Fuchsia
4. I paint in BRIGHT colors
5. Something about rain makes me happy
6. Sunrises and sunsets give me peace
7. Blogging makes my time go fast and keeps me busy, and I love it
8. I have learned that Jesus Christ is a loyal friend
9. My favorite person on Earth is my husband
10. Ponies remind me of my angel

Secret Garden Meeting - August

This month at the Secret Garden, we are talking about our babies bedrooms and their belongings. This is a place where bereaved parents can come together and share their stories, their babies' lives and get support.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Jenna's nursery was not the traditional light pink and fluffy theme. I wanted something different with a splash of saturation and personality. Her walls were painted avocado green and accented with fuchsia and violet blankets, butterflies, curtains and just anything girlie I could think of. We went a little crazy since we were jazzed about having a girl...



Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
It was not finished when we came home empty-handed. It was especially devastating to see the nursery furniture that the grandparents' had so generously purchased. I still wonder if it will ever be used.


If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
It was hard, and nearly impossible to believe what was really happening. I would walk into her room, and for a split second forget that I wasn't pregnant anymore. There would be no baby to put to sleep, or nurse or sing to. The stuffed animals are some of my favorite things since they were in her incubator with her. We had her clothes, diapers, lotion, hats, socks, shoes, blankets, and more clothes... It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Walking into her room full of shattered dreams brought the coldest wind of disappointment and grief. Somehow, it was still nice to have something to hold that was all Jenna's. I continued to decorate her room until it was practically finished. It was a place to go and shut the door and just think about her, cry my heart out, read my Bible and pray.


Did you pack it all away?
Nope. I loved looking at it, even though it crushed me. I cannot say that it helped me to heal by any means, it was just something that I had to do.

 What is your baby's room now?
Since we moved from where I first set her room up, it has been placed in boxes. When we move to our new home (hopefully November) I plan to start all over, and make a place for Jenna. This is what I think we will be doing, anyway. My feelings are like unpredictable lightening bolts.


If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
I am not pregnant again as of yet, but I would do it all over again. There's no harm in hoping for the best. I believe that hoping in God's mercy is the safest thing to do and each baby is worth it. Along with that hope comes a natural sense of fear...

A Little Kind Word Goes a Long Way

I had the biggest blessing the other day and I have been wanting to tell the world about it, blog world anyway. A friend approached me and told me she'd been thinking about Jenna and me, and praying for me. It was so out of the blue and spontaneous, it was just what I needed - it literally made my day! Someone talking about my Jenna to me! Thank you and I love you so much, Angela! 

Oh, how I wish I could tell the world that it really is ok to talk about her. I love talking about her. She changed me. She was my little miracle, my gift from Heaven. I might cry when I talk about her, but its not because of what's being said, it's because my heart loves deeply the one I can't hold. I am just so thankful that God gave me her to love. So very thankful. I cannot imagine life without the love that overflows my heart for my sweet Jenna. She was tiny to this world, but she has made an eternal difference in my life. My heart can cry for a mother's breaking heart and truly appreciate the beautiful gift of life.

Something to Live For: Hope

I have been missing my little baby girl so.... MUCH. I just want to hold her, see her, smell her again. (sigh) Lots of moments I hadn't thought about in a while came to my memory this past week. Painful memories. But we shared them with her and for that they are precious. The more I go into this the less I appreciate it and the less I understand why. There's a question for eternity. Why. But it just is the way it is. I miss her. I am glad I got to know her. I just feel cheated, so very cheated on motherhood. I know I serve a GOOD God. He has definitely been there for me. Even when I didn't feel it, and sometimes I don't, He is undoubtedly there. He sustains me, keeps me going and gives me something to live for everyday. I cling to the hope He has given. Sometimes I just have to take Him for His word when all else fails, because He said so.

"My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer."

-Psalm 45:1

A More Perfect Love

I see your tears

When noone else does

I know how you miss me

And the emptiness you feel

I wish sometimes I could tell you

How I really am ok

How Heaven is far sweeter than words can tell

How precious the Lord is and I'm at home

Where all is well

I know that doesn't soften the blow

I know that doesn't dry your eyes

But if I could tell you just one thing

It would be that in Heaven there's just a more perfect love

A love that dries tears

A love that stands still

A love that doesn't know time

A love that forgets the woes of this life

And while you miss me being in your arms

I miss you too

But time hasn't torn a hole in my heart yet,

It's not been but a few moments

that I have been gone

The place where we one day will meet

Is closer than it feels

And me, your precious Angel

Am closer than you think

The life that I lived reached our Father's will

Far sooner than you would have chosen

But from Heaven the big picture is clear

And there's no doubt behind it there is perfection

The love that fills your heart for me

Does not go unseen

The tears you cry because I'm not there

Will be dried in Heaven

The longing that haunts you with emptiness

Will one day be restored

But Mother, in my new home

There is just a more perfect love

-written August 16, 2009