Grief is very unpredictable. It's almost beautiful when you think about it. Grief is the result of loving deeply.
I have to think of it that way. And it's not the end.
I had a moment today though. It's like the reminders are everywhere and they hit me really close together these days.
I was in the clinic and a grandpa and his wife were tending to their grandson. It was sweet to watch how he took care of him and to listen to his patient conversations with him. It was obvious they were watching their grandson while his parents were with the OB. His parents finally came out and the mother happily announced "It's a girl!"... to her parents.
Instinctively, I checked for facial expressions, and she wasn't hiding any bad news... her happiness was sincere. She didn't have to mull over any heart-wrenching decisions with her husband before breaking devastating news to the whole world... They received the news they were expecting, or at least partially expecting - happy nonetheless.
It was yet another flashback, and thought that came to mind that should have been me...
Our five month check up revealed more than just the gender... it revealed the critical state of Jenna's heart and lungs and restricted growth.
I hate that I cannot hear that sort of news (even though I was technically eavesdropping, but the whole waiting room could hear it), and not feel anything but complete joy for them. I am relieved that it is possible to go in for a 20 week u/s and have things turn out just fine.
But the sting, it still hurts.
The sting is from the scar I wear. And I wear the scar because I have loved and love very deeply.
And I have to believe for the sake of my sanity, that it will be okay one day. But for now, while my heart is sinking in grief, I must appreciate it.
This hole in my heart belongs to her, and it is okay that it hurts. It is natural. I have learned to live with my pain everyday, in everything I do. My steps are not always straight and I stumble a lot, but I am learning to walk again. And breathe again. And smile again.
I am learning under this school of grief. It is exhausting and it comes with me everywhere I go. There are lessons I really believed I could do without, lessons that I thought I didn't need and lessons I thought surely I had down pat.
It will be teaching me the rest of my life, and hopefully someday I can master the grief that has me crippled most of the time and learn to wield it for good, since it was not my choice to enter in the first place.
10 comments:
So very beautiful, Franchesca. It's amazing what that hole can do - I don't think it's possible for us to look at things like pregnancy or families the same ever again. We are happy for others, but there's always that pang.
Thinking of you.
It is so very hard to accept that the innocence in pregnancy well in just about everything is now gone. It is definitely a lesson that will affect every moment of our life forever. I too miss the feeling of pure joy for other pregnant women. I LOVED knowing that a friend was pregnant & all the excitment that was in store for them...now I know all that could be in store...
I relate to your searching the mother's face and analyzing her expressions. It's a shame our instincts lead us to that place...such a sad place. And, it hurts me deeply that we've been stripped of our innocence...an innocence that can never be regained.
However, I believe we are all better people for traveling this path. We love greater, have more compassion and reach out to those in need in ways "the outsiders" can not...a sorority no one wants to be a part of, but one where hearts are joined by angels wings :) And that is a beautiful thing.
Much Love and I am learning right along side you.
HUGS
xoxo
"Grief is very unpredictable. It's almost beautiful when you think about it. Grief is the result of loving deeply." That is just so well said, it only hurts so much because we do love our babies with such unfathomable depth. We are all learning day by day how to navigate these new waters without sinking under the waves.
I can so relate to the anxiety brought on by hospitals and Drs. offices, and observing other pregnant patients. I too wish so often that I could go back to the pure joy I used to associate with pregnancy and birth.
You are right, Franchesca, grief hits us when we don't expect it. It comes in waves and leaves us soaking wet. I just wrote a post about it. http://www.ouryoungfam.com/2010/01/flashbacks-from-war.html
Thinking of you, and hoping Grief, will teach you beautiful lessons, lessons to love deeply no matter the consquences.
That is a beautiful way to look at grief. Thank you for sharing.
Oh how I wish we could look at pregnancy with the same innocence. That innocence is forever gone for all of us.
Think of you and your sweet rainbow boy.
Glad you are feeling a little better. Yes, it is ok that our hearts hurt for them. I don't think I'd want it any other way.
I love the way you perceive grief. It really does hurt so much because we love so deeply.
I would never ever wish my pain and sorrow on anyone. I hate this life of grief and heartbreak and would never want anyone to ever experience this. I hate that my innocence is gone. I hate that I worry about everything. I hate that I am not naive anymore. I know what can happen, i've experienced it more then once. I wish I could be as happy as those strangers you heard in the waiting room, I wish you could be as happy as they are. Just know you have a wonderful little baby growing big and strong inside your belly...enjoy today, enjoy this moment with your baby. *hugs*
((hugs)) Well said Franchesca. Thinking of it that way, of our grief come from tremdendous love, does make this pain bearable, doesn't it?
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