My Heavenly Father has been so faithful. I started this week emotionally wrecked (still major wreckage going on). Nobody would ever know it by looking at me, because, well, I have perfected my mask. But the more I analyzed this grief and where I am, the more I realized how far I have gotten away from God in my heart. I stopped trusting in His promises somewhere along the way. I somehow left behind all the memories of how He carried me through the darkest day/week/months of my life. I have also lost faith in what once brought me immense peace and consolation.
Can I just be honest and say I am tired of people saying things like, "Jenna's an angel now." "It wasn't God's will" or "She's in Heaven." or even "Now she is perfect with God"?
Umm... yeah. I know. Whatever...
How does hearing all that fill my emptiness? How does that silence my cry for my daughter? How does that pacify a restless heart?
It doesn't.
So to embellish on my previous post, I have really tried to stop talking about her to complete strangers. They simply do not know what to say, nor should they. All the comments that were left have ministered to my heart and I don't feel so bad anymore about mentioning her when I can and not mentioning her when I JUST can't.
So to all my lovely readers, thank you, thank you for your input!!!
I don't even know how to say it without just saying it. It's like it clicked last night. The preaching was not even related but somehow God pinpointed the problem and I actually got it. I have not been right in my relationship with God for a while. I've let up somewhere. And a relationship with God is like any other, it takes work, dedication, and heart. I haven't put my heart into it. And God being the gentleman He is, hasn't pushed Himself on me. He has been waiting for me to realize that He is right where I last left Him when I took that first step away from Him.
So to retrace my steps away from God, I have to wonder in what direction was that first step was taken?
In the direction of bitterness? Anger? Disappointment? Frustration? Self-pity? Self-preservation?
Probably all of the above and more.
All I know is that wherever that first step is taking me, is no place I want to end up for good. I can do sad. I really can. But it's not knowing who I am anymore that scares me. I can't say that I have even taken one step in the "right" direction, but I am refusing to take anymore in the direction I was going, by God's grace. For now I am standing still, very unsure of why this sadness is so deep these days.
I want to give God back my heart. He gave me the greatest blessing a mother could ask for those 13 days. But there's something else in my heart that I cannot explain. It is guarded. It is broken. And I feel that there is little to give. Especially since I feel terribly empty these days.
Empty. Empty. Empty.
And maybe just maybe I am a little tired of being labeled as a babyloss mother, and feeling like when I do talk about her, it's like I have once again rehashed an old horror story that everyone's tired of hearing. It's tiring mothering a dead child. There's never anything new to say. And what you do have to say you feel needs to be heard. Only it hurts. And stings. And occasionally, maybe more often than I'd like to admit, doesn't seem real.
And this... is my reality. It's like wading through uncertainty and I want identity. I want my identity back. But the identity I once had is gone forever. She doesn't exist anymore. This new identity feels very insecure.
Could it be just what God wants? What if being overly secure in one's identity negates my need to seek Him that much more?
As you can see I have many unanswered questions. I know from God's character that He doesn't require me to have anything to bring Him, all He wants is exactly what He's given me...
Could that really be a broken heart?
26 comments:
Franchesca,
He has been with you, youare right. H has never left and never will. I do believe that in brokenness we seek Him most and He will provide exactly what we need. And He understands. He understands those steps away through the negativ emotions- He gave you those emotions. You can feel them- as long as they do not lead to sin. I pray you do begin to walk back towards Him and feel Him around you and that He will once again take hold of your pain.
With love,
Katy
I admire and respect your faith, Franchesca. That is one area where I feel I am completely lacking.
*huge hugz*
((hugs)) I have no words, but I am thinking of you
Nicolle
I know exactly where you are right now. I have had those same feelings - wondering if everyone's sick of hearing about it... Forgetting how close God felt in the first months...
I know it doesn't help at all - but this is normal. This is part of the process. I will pray that regain your grasp on the Lord and have an even stronger walk with Him.
So sorry for your hurt and the exhausting process of grief...
I am trying to have faith, but some days it is harder than others.
I agree with you that if i hear one more person say "god knows best" or "you have your own angel now" i may just punch them. because i would give anything to have cadynce back, if god knows best why am i hurting so much, it just does not seem right.
hope you week gets better
I couldn't have said what you did any better--"It's tiring mothering a dead child." You are SO right...I know others don't know how to respond or are tired of being subjected to it because they too are at a loss for what to say yet it NEEDS to be heard!!!! I had a son! He was beautiful! I miss him with every breath I take!!!!!!!
My heart hurts for and with yours! Much love!
Gosh, I certainly understand. I've been up and down with God this whole journey. I've felt so close to Him many times but I don't put in the effort I need to to establish the relationship He longs for with me. This year I want it to be different. I've started the year off doing a devotional and I hope it keeps growing from there.
I hate those cliches. They don't help at all!!
you're right... it's REALLY tiring being a babyloss momma, and you're right, we want to talk about them ALL THE TIME but there is nothing new to say, that makes it very difficult. To everyone else, it's the same old story, to us... well, it's all we have...
I admit my relationship with God is faltering and I have always struggled with it. Having not gone to church growing up, I just never really had that in my life. I do believe that there is something, I just struggle with it being "Good" and having a relationship as people talk about having. Sometimes, it sounds like the most amazing thing, but I have experienced such pain in my life that I struggle with the whole idea of it.
Someone at work yestrday was talking about her prayers being answered. I just sat there wondering why hers were, but not mine. Her prayer was something rather simple and to be honest, not that important in the grand scheme of things, while mine was regarding the lives of two of the most precious people in my life...I just don't get it, but I think it is normal for us to have our doubts especially after suffering such tragic losses. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. To be honest it does make me feel a little bit better to know that people like you who have such strong faith also have their doubtful moments. xx
I know exactly how you feel. A friend of mine copied Psalm 139 for me. It has been immensely healing. I turned from God, I was so angry, so hurt so bitter- but once I realized, He already knew that, there was nothing he did not already know...and that it was ok to take that anger to Him, to tell him I was hurt, to scream at the top of my lungs and place my broken heart in his hands...to give my pain and my emptiness over to him, only then could I feel closer to Him.
wow. that last part is so profound. i'm going to think about that for a long, long time... such an honest, heartfelt post..
This is just such a lovely, profound post. I've found that this immense loss can either separate us from God, or bring us closer to Him. I wish we had our babies with us, but I understand that He needed them.
Thinking of you and hoping for His continued healing on your heart...
Im sorry for the hurt and conflict you are currently in,do you ever feel like you are fighting with yourself most days?
I also have people say the worst things to me, and they do not come from strangers, they come from family. Well, shrink says to stop them in their tracks, and tell them to stop telling me how to feel or what to do or what they think...it's better they say nothing at all about the subject and make me feel alone, then to say something crappy!
Sometimes putting on the face and masking how you feel makes your grief process get put at a standstill, which can make you more unhealthy....so I say, ta hell with everyone else and talk about it and show your emotion for your own personal growth :)
I feel a bit strong about this, sorry if this came off as abrupt :)
((Hugs)) Nan xo
Thinking of you so much and praying for you. I know when I lost my 2 babies to miscarriage I was so tired and still today it bothers me that is was meant to be. I try to forget what people say but sometimes it's tough. {{HUGS}} my friend
Caroline
The great thing about our God is that he is an understanding God. He understands that when tragedies happen we may question him. We may push away. He is there because he understands we are hurting. He knows we will return one day and waits with open arms. He is a very forgiving God and is here for you when you are ready. *hugs*
I feel like I could have written some of this - it describes so much of what I've been going through in my own walk with God. I used to be the girl that woke up early every morning to have prayer time, and not just prayer, but a quiet time to seek His voice, and hear what He would like to say as well. What I do know is that relationships with God are not like relationships with people. He doesn't hold grudges against us when we avoid Him, or walk away. He remains there, waiting for us to return to Him, and eager to help us overcome anything to get there.
I don't believe God ordained the deaths of Jenna or Madelyn. However, I believe strongly He knew it would happen, and He chose to use it for a greater purpose. I always think of the story of Joseph, especially when he tells his brothers that they had meant to do evil to him, but God took it and used it for good, to save many lives. Could it be that the evil that is the death of our girls can be used by God to save lives? Maybe not in the physical sense, but in the spiritual. I know it doesn't take away the pain, or make it hurt any less, or make it "worth it". But it does provide some comfort to me.
This comment grew much longer than I intended. I really want you to know I am thinking of and praying for you to grow in the Lord as I try to figure out how to mend my own relationship with God. (((hugs)))
I know just how you feel. It is hard to be caught on this road. But continue to put one foot in front of the other, and God will guide you even if it doesn't feel like it. And know there are many of us walking with you, feeling just as confused, empty, and scared.
You have spoken the words of my own heart. I sit here in tears as I read through your post...and felt much of what you wrote about.
I am thinking of you!
thank you for sharing your heart, Franchesca. i feel like i've wandered away from God and that's part of the reason why i've felt so low lately. sometimes i think i allow myself to get lost in my sadness and deny that there is more joy to be had in this life without my babies. but that does me no good, it probably makes Calvin and Rainbow sad for their mommy, and it does not honor God. i know what you mean when you say you feel empty, that your heart has little to give. but i guess that's why we need to hand our hearts over to God - so He can fill them again. ((hugs))
I understand every word that youve written here. I feel so much of this on a very personal level so thank you for sharing this. I think that, yes, God wants your broken heart so that he can make it whole again. *HUGS*
God does want our hearts, broken or whole =) It is easy to distance ourselves from God in the pain, but it always feels so much better when we cling to Him. I have to remind myself of that every single day~
You are in my prayers, Lily
One of the best things about God is you can turn the other direction- or just stay there for as long as you need to and He'll always wait, and always be there to pick you up off that floor.
I too felt so much sadness and so much anger and yet I know He felt it too- He was the only one who could truly read my heart and know.
Hang in there!
Hugs-
L
One of the best things about God is you can turn the other direction- or just stay there for as long as you need to and He'll always wait, and always be there to pick you up off that floor.
I too felt so much sadness and so much anger and yet I know He felt it too- He was the only one who could truly read my heart and know.
Hang in there!
Hugs-
L
Dearest friend,
God is always there and sometimes we cant see him and sometime we forget hes there.But can you imagine how much more pain we would have if he wasnt carring us through it all.I can not imagine you hurt nor do i try to.I know my pain for my daughter and I know that compares nothing to your pain.But I do know HE is waiting where ever we leave him and he is always willing to carry us through when we can walk no more.And when we feel like it hurts to breathe and stings our eyes to see,he will see for us and breathe air into us so we can go on
i admire your honesty and know what you mean. this post speaks deeply to me. i know what you mean about losing yourself, not knowing where you are going, hating the emptiness. praying for you, for me, for all of us to find our way.
oh mama, yes it is so tiring being a mom of a baby who has gone.
some days it is such a struggle to wade through whys and what ifs and the but what about me, god?
if you can remember nothing else remember - God is good and he does good-
"for in ALL things, God works them together for GOOD, for those who love him and are called according to his purpose"
i just keep telling myself that God will work this for good, and praying that he would let me see the work he does do/is doing...
-liz
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