The other night we drove past a medical center close by our house.
It wasn't even her medical center, but it still haunted me nonetheless and ever since.
Medical Center...
Those words take me back to the life I thought would last longer. The one where I literally lived at the hospital because that was where I belonged. The place where my family was complete. The one I was prepared to live for as long as I had to.
Everything got put on hold and nothing seemed important but the things that actually mattered...
How did I get where I am today? I'm not okay most days. I'm not. My heart is broken with an unnatural loss.
I want to go back. SO BAD.
I just want that life back. The one she's still a part of it. Even if it was only at the medical center...
I want to go back.
Even if it means being around those doctors and parking garages and living out of a suitcase...
I feel bad for even thinking like this, because it would mean all those meds and eventually watching her suffer. I don't want that.
I just want her back. My life with hers. I miss those days in the NICU because it felt so good to be next to her. I was her mother. I am her mother.
This is what I get for staying up way too late...
but I couldn't convince myself to go to sleep earlier, I just knew I would lie there... awake... with a brain full of my crazy missing her... and eventually crying... until I woke up and realized I had to do it all over again...
without her.
16 comments:
I so can relate to this. The very hospital where I had the boys and the funeral home who helped us lay they to rest are both a mere 5 minutes away from our house. We drive by it once in awhile and for the first few months ... I couldn't stomach passing it, I made Jason take an alternate route. Now ... I tear up whenever I pass it but it also brings a smile to my face whenever they cross my mind.
*hugs*
I don't think I could ever step foot in the hospital or NICU that L was born in and died at. Even the town (which is 2 hours away) gives me the shivers. The funeral home is the same one we used for both of the boys, and its the same one most of hubby's family use so sadly its a place we'll visit many times in the future. For me, my trigger is ambulances. I remember that time, being transfered lights and sirens to that other hospital, alone. The sounds, the speed, everything. Anytime I see one now I feel my stomach turn to knots, I just want You aren't alone, though I wish none of us had to know what this is all about. You shouldn't be scared of a building, or a vehicle. Its just things, but those things to us is what holds SO many memories. For most of us, the only memories we have. :( Lots of *hugs*
*hugs*
I know how you feel - I would spend the rest of my life in the NICU if it would bring him back. I will have to go back there many times in the future and I have already had to and I dread it every time! Hugs!
I too had thoughts of going back too! Those were times that he was "here." Sending you lots of love and hugs!
Nicolle
I know how you feel, I used to ask Mr.K if we could go back...I wish there was a rewind button on life. It is so hard for me to go into town, if I still worked downtown every day I think I would have lost it. Thinking of you and hoping you are having a good day!
Although I never spent time in a NICU with my daughter, I can feel your pain and understand it. I got to take my daughter home for 50 hours before she died. And there are some things in my house that I am not sure I will ever be able to tolerate again. I can't turn on the lamps in teh LR, because we sat in the dark for hours with her, only the light from the lamps illuminating her face. I can't move teh stethoscope I used to listen to her heart stop. It is still sitting on my dresser. I can't move the rocker I brought into our room to hold her through the night.
Late nights are the hardest for me too. The hurt and pain I have put off all day crowds out my heart at night.
Praying for you, and wishing I could hug you and cry with you. Jenna deserves to live a full life with her Mommy. It will never be fair.
Oh, honey. Hugs.
Traveling back in time happens...its unfortunate and it hurts so badly. I too suffered a trigger not so long ago which left my heart aching. The good news is that we manage to find strength, rely on FAITH and work on moving forward again.
Hugs and Love to you
I can't really escape my place. I kinda work there but it makes it easier for me because I received such care and support from my coworkers. I know we all wish we could go back to those moments with our babies. They are priceless.
Oh, I can so relate to so much of this. To go back in time, to just absolutely rewind...
thinking of you, sending hugs, hoping for peace.
*hugs*
Oh Franchesca, reading this post my heart aches for you. I'm tearing up reading this because I know and feel these same things. Thinking of you! *HUGS*
(((((( LOTS of HUGS)))
There are really no words to comfort a mother that has loss a child as I have been there...prayers are the best because God is the Great Comforter!
(((((((FRANCHESCA)))))))
This just broke my heart reading this. I think that every night before bed...another day done without her...another one to come..
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