January Means...

Jenna's been in Heaven for 8 months. My day started out with me waking up and suddenly becoming aware that I hadn't heard from my husband while on his usual break. He is pretty consistent about phoning me so naturally I tried calling him. Once... no answer... ten minutes later... no answer... thirty minutes later... still no answer. Even if he is too busy to answer he always texts me to let me know he got my call. For thirty to forty minutes I was completely freaking myself out, convinced that something had happened on his way to work. I kept thinking I can't lose him too. He finally called and all I could do was cry me eyes out of how I had reverted to a child's state of dependency. I find myself constantly menacing my own mind with thoughts of what if something really did happen this time? 

Anyway, after I got off the phone with him, I was driving by this time, and looked up and there was a light pink balloon floating up to Heaven. My Jenna. That's all I could think of. My Jenna and how much I miss her. I literally feel empty. But the pink balloon (of which I wish I had a picture) was all alone, and put there for me. It's like she was saying, just be happy Mommy, I am right here. 

Be happy...

Well since New Year's Eve I had been looking forward to today. Yes, actually looking forward to it. My Jenna would have been eight months. I cannot even imagine her at eight months. All I can see is my perfect baby girl at infancy, preemie infancy, yet perfect. I feel so guilty that I cannot envision her at her "should-be" age.

It is what it is. I have high doubts that she is growing at the rate we do down here in Heaven anyway.

Back to my story... my husband helped out his brother with a firecracker stand and I made a cake for them. When I brought it up to the stand, I ended up staying awhile. He asked me if there was anything from the stand I wanted before he left that night.

"No"... not really in the celebrating mood is what I thought.

He picked up some giant sparklers (which just happen to be partly fuchsia) "What about for Jenna?"

Of course it melted my heart. "What do you mean?"

"We can light them for her."

"Yes!" I was excited to think of including her on this New Year's festivities. I imagined lighting them with family and telling them it was in remembrance of Jenna. My husband had different ideas...

So today, we took the giant, partly fuchsia sparklers over to her grave.

And yes, we really lit them on her grave! It was so much fun. I don't think I've ever had this much "fun" while visiting her.

 

 

 

Now I know this is probably highly dangerous and we probably broke all sorts of laws...

but it was so much FUN!!! I think Jenna liked her sparklers.

Happy 8 months, my Jenna!

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I have been meaning to post about this. I am terrible. Marie from My Expected End and Jill from Footprints on Our Hearts passed this award to me.

 Thank you ladies, you are so sweet. The rules are to list 7 things about yourself and pass it onto seven more bloggers.

My 7 things...

1. I am realizing as I struggle to write this list that I am SUCH a different person. (You'd think I'd get that by now)

2. I majored in something I LOVE... teaching and art

3. I would love to learn several foreign languages one day, including Chinese and French

4. I'm a super neat freak. I love organization in all aspects of my life. Classroom, kitchen, drawers... you name it. Even my junk drawer is compartmentalized.

5. The only place I feel like I can unravel and be myself is my home, so thank God for my house!

6. I love saturated colors, they make the world more interesting.

7. I stay away from watching the news because it is usually depressing and negative. I feel that I am a coward of sorts and also setting myself up for disaster by not staying in tune with world events. I have slowly started to read the headlines online... I know this one's weird but true.

Now for seven beautiful bloggers...

Caroline from The Croley Gang... She is such a true blessing and always has a kind word to say. Even when I write those gloom and doom posts, she is just there.

Beth from Safe in This House... It has been a blessing getting to know Beth. She has been a wonderful support for me on my blog and just being a real friend. She grieves openly and honestly and manages to hold onto faith through it all. She also does a beautiful job at honoring her daughter, Kathlyn. I have learned from her to look for signs from our babies even more than I used to.

Kristin from Once a Mother... I have enjoyed becoming acquainted with Kristin and her beautiful daughter Peyton. Kristin also writes from the depth of her heart. Her poetry seeps from a broken heart, I don't think I have ever read poetry so raw and beautiful and meaningful at the same time. My words are not doing her poetry justice, but if you have ever read her work, you would know what I mean. She is also a survivor of heartache after unimaginable heartache.

Michelle from Faith, hope and loving Audrey... I recently found Michelle's blog and have truly been blessed by her and her daughter's story. In her blog, her faith is ever present in the face of grief.

AKD from Little Footprints... She always always has something encouraging to say when she comments and is such a support for me.

Sarah from Loving Henry... I recently started following her blog as well. Sarah is a sweetheart and is a blessing on her blog.

Karen from Busy Hands... I have been following Karen's blog for a few months now and always enjoy reading her blog because she incorporates real life into her posts. It is easy to picture what she is writing about, whether it is her wonderful, supportive co-workers from the job she works overnight or reminiscing her sweet George.

If you are still reading, I am sorry this post is so long. I appreciate the award and would like to let every reader know I am honored and humbled by your support.