On a side note, is it normal that I am finding it harder to talk about Jenna? I mean with people IRL. (This blog is most exclusively my outlet to write about this grief journey)
I need some input here, if any of you can help. I have started to notice this in myself for about a week or so. It used to be pain-free to talk about her, because I had someone who wanted to talk about her and listen. It's not that I don't want to mention her or remember her, it is just HARD.
Maybe... I have convinced myself that I am doing better, when really I am drowning myself in distractions up to my eyeballs to force myself from feeling the brunt of the grief.
Why is it getting hard all of the sudden? I feel like I am a breath away from tears these days... maybe it's just "part of it".
Not to mention the guilt that I feel for feeling like it's almost too much to talk about her. It's a vicious cycle.
*sigh*
25 comments:
Last week a friend of my husband's asked me if Kenzie was my only child. I hesitated for a moment and then said "yes". Guilt immediately flooded my body, my heart. Sometimes I am just not in the right place of mind to devulge such intimate and heartbreaking information. For me I was okay in the beginning, I think mostly because my children were no longer suffering in the NICU. However, after a few months it got REALLY bad and now almost three years later, with rainbow child in tow, I am sadder than ever. I don't know when it gets better. Sending lots of gentle hugs...
Did the coaster set get there yet???
I'm not for sure but we have just passed thru the holiday season, which is a tough time for alot. Also it will soon be a yr and maybe your just missing her more. Grief comes in cycles and all of us handle things differently. Just know that you have a special place in my heart and I'm praying for you so much.
Hoping you have a good time at the services this week.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline
It IS a vicious cycle. They call grief a rollercoaster, and that's exactly what it is!
I know for myself there was a period of time, probably about the same time you're at now, where I wanted everything to be "normal" so I did what was considered "normal". I think also, it was around that time when I felt like the words that came out of my mouth were fake. I *knew* my daughter was real but it felt like I was making her up, so then it became harder to talk about her. It was about that time too, that "others" became less interested in hearing about her because they felt I should be over it and back to my normal self.
After a while, though, I began to come to a point where I could talk about her again and it wouldn't be as difficult. It still sometimes felt fake (and still does!) to my own ears. How could this story possibly be true! But the need to be normal for a while did go away and you learn to accept that this IS your new normal. or perhaps "accept" is too harsh of a word... perhaps..you come to understand that this is your new normal and don't fight it as much.
Did any of that make sense or did I just ramble on and on ? Or both?
For me, grief comes in waves. I almost dread the "good" moments and days, because I know the reality is there will be "not so good" moments and days that follow. You are a little farther down this road than me, so I can't say "I've been there and this is what I think..." but, so far, I have learned that my emotions can catch me off guard and that I never feel the same talking about her twice.
I pray to grow close to God during your time at church this week.
Hugs and prayers!
I think it's a normal faze you are going through. I usually get pissed off if Adam or his family say there are only 2 boys (Adison and Nikola) and I remind them they are forgetting someone. But there have been times in the store that I haven't felt like sharing and kinda just didn't say anything when they asked if Adison was my only (before nikola was born). Or when people ask if Nikola is my only I say he is the only one living with me. It's easier than explaining one is in heaven and the other is with his biological mother. Roller coaster for sure. *big hugs*
My grief counselor has told me that I will forever cycle through the different stages of grief. There will be days that all I want to talk about is Maddie, and then others where it hurts too much. You're absolutely normal, sweetie.
I have my grief bursts and they come at random times. Most of the time I just LOVE talking about the boys who have stolen my heart, other times it just kills me over and over again to talk about them so I don't, I bottle it up or I come to my blog and release it there or to my husband.
It is a hard road that we walk as bereaved mothers that is for sure and like you said, it truly is a vicious cycle.
*hugs*
I think you are absolutely correct when you said it is a vicious cycle. I have found it harder to talk to people IRL because of the simple fact that many of them think I should be moving on or be healed by now and others seem like they don't want to hear about my Emma and Chase as much anymore.
Feeling guilt seems to be easy when we are grieving. They seem to go hand in hand. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. It is so hard. ((HUGS))
You hit the nail on the head with your last sentence... "It's a vicious cycle". I go through my cycles, but they are just becoming longer cycles. The better days are starting to be more frequent, while the not so wonderful days are fewer and further in between. Just because I have less harder days doesn't mean the pain of them are mitigated any less than my hard days in the beginning. This is completely normal for me.
I've found when people (strangers I'll never see again) ask me about me kids, it makes it better for me when I say that I have three kids and am expecting again. If they notice I only have two with me, I simply tell them my youngest is with my father (they'd never guess I meant God). That keeps them quiet and makes me feel good about acknowledging Wyatt without anyone getting uncomfortable.
This tactic may not be right for you, but it has helped me get through my rough cycles without the added guilt of feeling like I've left Wyatt out of our family.
(((Hugs)))
I wish I knew the answer to this. I wonder these exact same things so often. I'll think I'm doing better and then a day will come when it hurts as bad as the day we lost her, and then I'm not sure how I'm progressing. Sometimes I think it would be nice to get away from the noise, to a quiet place alone with my thoughts and God, and then maybe I could see how I really am doing.
I hope you get blessed at your camp meeting! I haven't been to one in years, but always loved going to church camp in the past.
I wish I knew, I wish I had answers. I look for them myself. I am just assuming its part of the journey. I like to think they are with us every step of every day. They watch us, hold us, and take care of us even on days when we feel incredibly lonely and sad.
Enjoy the camp day, I hope its one of hope and maybe even a bit of healing for you.
*hugs*
I went through a period of that too- time had passed and perhaps I felt I shouldnt' say his name as much- or perhaps it was that time had passed adn I didn't know waht to say... It wasn't like my living children where I could talk about things that were 'new'- I don't know. I think that what you're feeling is totally normal- and I think that finding a 'new' normal can be really hard- it's like each stage in grief letting go of the last can be difficult (I don't even know if I am making sense here- or if what I am saying is coming off correctly) Obviously though I didn't want people to 'think' that I had moved on or forgotten so occasionally I'd stick in his name (randomly) or talk about the support groups I was a part of and what I was doing- because that was my daily life and that made sense to do...
Anyway- I am rambling- just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and hoping that the experience in church will be all that you are hoping for and more! Share! Your story is so moving and needs to be shared- not just hear but IRL too!
Huge hugs-
L
I think it's just a normal part of the cycle. It goes round and round.
Like the rest of the ladies here, I agree that grief constantly ebbs and flows. It is forever with us but how we handle it changes from day to day.
We should to try to accept that whatever we are feeling right now, in this moment, is what is meant to be.... don't fight it and don't judge ourselves. We have to be kind to ourselves too!
I am thinking of you, sweet lady and wishing you peace! xoxo
I have absolutely NOTHING different to say--especially since it's only been 6 weeks since Matthew died and I am hardly breathing most days. I do agree, and so does every book I've read, counselor I have talked with and pastor who has grieved with me, that it there is no rhyme or reason to grief. And the guilt...Satan's way of turning this horrible event into even more of a victory for him. So, I try to think of it that way--when I feel guilt over something I say or do in my grief--I just remember that's not what God wants for me and I try to stop.
Praying for you!
I agree, I think it's a normal part of the grieving cycle. I have times when I can talk openly and freely about Eliana, and other times (many times) when I just can't utter the words. Just last week I wanted to share something in my Bible study, and the lump in my throat was so big, I knew that if I opened my mouth the tears would just start to flow and I wouldn't be able to speak. I think it's also extra emotional as our rainbow babies are growing more and more and we are feeling excitement about them and still this overwhelming loss. Great big hugs!
*huge hugs* I second the thoughts of many of the women here so just know I am thinking of you and Jenna. I hope that your church camp provides all that you need spiritually!!
You know, I don't think there *is* such a thing as normal in dead baby land. I definitely go through phases. There were a few months towards the end of my pregnancy with Moe that I was just exhausted by the idea of having to explain Iris to people. It just got to be too much. I was tired, I was sad, the last thing I needed was to have to run the gamut of emotions in front of every new acquaintance. Now I find myself looking for excuses to mention her to all and sundry, and I worry about that too... it's a no win, but please know, Franchesca, that you are a wonderful mama to Jenna Belle. Your love for her isn't an equation (name mentioned+story told=good mama) . Lots of love x
It is an awful cycle, never knowing what will cause a storm of grief. I found that as we got further from Cameron's death even if I was in a place where I wanted to talk about her- no one else wanted to, I even had a few "shouldn't you be over this by now" comments. It is something I will never be over, and it is so hard for some one who has never walked this journey to understand.
Just thinking of you - and your journey and hoping that you have time just to cry.. and to talk about everything out loud even if it is just to your self. I talk about Joseph and that he died every day.. so It doesn't get "Stuck" in there.. the grief I mean - Big baby hugs to you and a human one if I could give it to you..
I think over time it sometimes becomes harder and harder to speak of our babies because it seems as though people in real life stop asking. I don't think they forget our losses but they aren't on the forefront of their brains when they speak to us (and yet I know they are always on our minds). As time passes I don't feel the need for Levi to be a part of every conversation... but it's hard when he's never a part of any. It's a struggle always knowing how to bring our babies up when we're thinking of them- but desperately wanting them to be remembered.
I definitely feel that grief is a cycle - the waves of grief seems very much something I identify with. Today was the first time I've been to a playgroup and didn't tell a mother I just met that we recently lost a baby. The first time. I was aware of it. My children didn't say anything the whole time and I didn't either. But if anyone asks me how many children we have I always say, "We're raising four but have one waiting for us in heaven." I just can't say only four. I can't. As my friend Ellie said, if they want to know more, they can ask. If they don't, I feel better just knowing that I included our youngest child in the number. Thinking of you.
p.s. I love Jess from After Iris's comment that there is no right or wrong - it just is what it is in that moment of our own individual grief....but thank God for each other through blogland, eh? What did bereaved mums do 20 years ago??!!
I can say that, from my point of view, six years after the loss of my son: Yes. it's a vicious cycle, one that will continue, albeit differently as the years go by. You'll never forget, but at times you will feel it is just not the right time to talk about your child. Then a moment will come again that you just want to shout everything you know from the rooftops. It's all a part of learning our New Normal.
Hang in there; you're not alone. And I thank God that we aren't going through this 20 years ago when mom's were told to forget their child and move on...
I find that I mention G less frequently as time has passed. I don't really know why. Perhaps because, as you have described above, it is just to painful.
I don't think you need to feel guilty though Franchesca. You love Jenna, you'll always be her mama. Whether or not you choose to tell everyone about her or just keep her close to your heart.
I hope that you enjoy the camp meeting xo
Post a Comment