On our way to the basketball game tonight, as the conversation was far from anything Jenna-related, the back of my mind wandered and I couldn't help but think...
I still can't believe you let her die, God... I didn't sign up for this... My heart can't take much more of this gut-wrenching grief and I can't even begin to describe how much I do not want to belong to this babyloss club...
*****
There are times of acceptance, if that's what you call it. These times are filled with indescribable peace about what has happened. And then there are times like the moment I had today. The emptiness is overwhelming, and my heart feels like it's so worn down, it could just stop beating. Times like this I can hardly believe that I have a child. A dead child. It's also times like these when my daughter feels a million light years away and the thought of her being right next to me or watching over me seems like make-believe fable to pacify a broken, hopeless heart.
As tears filled my eyes, I refused to let them fall. I kept my face turned away from my husband. Sometimes I just don't want someone to try to make me feel better. Sometimes I just need the sadness to run it's course. Most of the time the grief runs it's course silently or on this blog. The further I get from her death date, the less I am finding people in real life willing to just be sad about what has happened with me. And really, it's okay. I have made peace in my heart that I will continue to honor her life... with or without anyone's approval or support. And I will give my grief it's place. Even if it's silently looking out the window.
And there outside the passenger window I spotted a precious pony fenced in the one of the nearby ranch houses. Ponies will always remind me of my Jenna.
I knew it was for me. No coincidence in the timing... it was God. I'd passed through that country road many times before and have never seen it before. It must have been there before, but I knew God reserved it for my need today. My need to know that He still cares. In spite of my severe disappointment in what He could have prevented. He still cares. And it's times like these that I really believe He gets it. He gets the disappointment, the mistrust, the anger, the instability in my mind and emotions.
19 comments:
Saying a prayer for you and even though it has been time past since my miscarriages somedays it seems so real again and I ask God why ? It is something I still wrestle with at times. Sometimes I feel it is my way of never forgetting. So neat to how God works things out like seeing the pony.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline
*hugs* I wish non of us were a part of this club. Its funny how just randomly the pain or grief will hit you...reminding you how much you miss your baby. I know those feelings and thinking of you and Jenna.
My prayers are with you. *hugs*
Bless your heart...This is exactly where I was yesterday--and I can't get over how randomly these feelings come on. One second I feel like I'm going to be able to make it and then the next...I literally can't swallow and have to FORCE myself to breathe.
Prayers and love to you!
You put this so eloquently and perfectly, Franchesca - it's hard to find those who understand our need to be sad sometimes, but we NEED to feel it. And I truly believe that God will find a way to sustain us through each of those times, like the beautiful sign he sent to you.
Hugs and thoughts to you.
I too, am befuddled at how random bouts of grief consume me. It always seems I get a little sign from above exactly when I need it. Thinking of you and Jenna's ponies!!
It is often the little moments (like seeing the pony) that remind me that if God is there with me in those times then he is definately with me in the big moments- even when my human brain can't understand it all.
I do the very thing you describe so often these days - turning my head away, hoping no one sees my tears, not even my husband. I was thinking about this last night, and I don't know what has changed. Early in her loss, I wouldn't care who saw me cry, and I'd welcome my husband's arms in those moments. Now I need to cry alone, and I'll do everything in my power to hide the tears of someone else is around.
I'm so glad you saw the pony. God does care. He knows the pain of losing a child, just as we do. Even if His loss was by choice, I cannot imagine it made it any easier, even knowing that it was only for 3 days. I cannot imagine watching my child suffer like Jesus did. And Mary...poor Mary. I think about this all the time. We will be reunited with our children one day, this we know. But it doesn't make it any easier now.
Aren't those signs just amazing? Your words about your heart could just stop beating...wow..you definitely have put this feeling I have into words perfectly. I too hide my tears from my husband or mother etc. at times because I just don't want to explain or hear them try to comfort me because at those moments there is no comfort needed...I need to grieve so I do.
Often times when I am struggeling the most God seems to send me a "sign", just as he did to you in those ponies. It does soothe the soul.
We will forever remember our babies and we will always remember sweet Jenna Belle. I recently read that "grief" can be one of the most beautiful gifts you give yourself...in allowing yourself to feel it and navigate all permaeters of it. I found that statement odd at first, but now I can clearly see what it means. Contine to give yourself this gift.
Sending you love and prayers...
Tears here reading your beautiful words. It's so true. Sometimes we just need to be alone, be sad and honour our children. It's amazing to me still how out of nowhere I can be shocked to the core at the reality. The dead baby. The emptyness. The broken heart.
xoxox
Well said, Franchesca. There are so many ranges of emotions with grief. I too have come to peace with honoring my babies with or without anyone's approval or support.
Thinking of you!
more signs...
It is good just to get it all out. Amazing signs from God... I always picture my son tapping God on the shoulder.. "god.. my mom needs you right this second..." and it just is so... perfect.
It is true that the more time that passes the less other people are sad about it or at least they don't seem like it. I'm glad you got a pony sent from Jenna!
((((((((Franchesca)))))))))
I love these moments, not the sinking falling struggling feeling that makes us need them, but these sudden little signs just when we do.
Wow...you nailed it! Your entire post is what I have expirienced this week. The random thought "Why did you let her die God?" I have had those at the worst times and I have cried at the worst times. I have been feeling the exact same way... as if my heart could stop beating. Thank you for your honesty, you have helped me put words on what I have been going through...I just had a good cry in front of my husband as I read your words, I needed that. I will pray for you as I lament for myself.
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