"For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead. Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate." -Psalm 143:3, 4
I feel completely vulnerable writing right now, but I have decided to be honest, brutally honest about what is really happening inside of me.
Pete (my loving husband, for those of you who don't know) asked me how I was doing when we got home from work today. I told him I was having a meltdown a minute ago. He likes to make light of a bad situation, which these days really helps. He hugged me while he said- You look pretty solid to me... No, inside I am melting.
The further I go without my baby girl, the less I understand what God is doing. Its almost like it hurts more now than it did initially. It was easier to "accept" those first few weeks. I want to know what its like to be a mother... I HATE this pain. I really really do. I hurt so much I am just mad about it. Can anyone relate??? I really really don't like writing all of this. I feel like this a "woe is me" post. Be brutally honest... Grief isn't all bad, but it is harsh. It can be very ugly at times. And right now it is. All I can think about is missing her. Missing her. Missing her. Missing my daughter.
In spite of this awful phase of grief right now, I KNOW the skies will clear up one day. But I sure can't feel it.
Psalm 143 ended with "for I am thy servant." In spite of his pain David knew some things. So I am going to keep doing what I've been doing from the start. Breathe. Believe by faith that God makes no mistakes. Keep telling myself something good can come from this horrible horrible pit. And most of all think about her gain. Or at least I will try.
5 comments:
Thank you for commenting on my blog. Your story is beautiful. I'll read more later!
Chelsea
I've 'closed' my blog from anyone on the web, if you'd like to continue keeping up with us, please email me at chelso935@hotmail.com
I'm sure it is hard for you & I pray for you so much. I pray that someday you get to have a child & find out what being a Mom is. I had 2 miscarriages but have children & it still is tough, cause I wonder what my child would look like & be doing. It's just something that will never go away & like you said somedays are worse than others. Thinking of you so much.
Caroline
P.S. I read your post the other day about the clouds & it was a great post didn't have alot of time to comment. HUGS
Dearest Fran,
You have to have these days that you let it all out my sister!!I know it has to be so painful for you to go through this.I wish i knew a way to ease your pain,all i know to do is to pray for you daily and faithfully&be here for you the best I can.I don't know why the LORD allows these things to be but I do believe that he doesn't give us more than we can handle...you told me that one day.Let out all you anger &your words,your loved ones are listening and our here always for you.
Today I looked into the skies
visializing the Lord's aiding eyes
my heart surely ached
but I knew it was no mistake
He will have her in his arms
keeping her safe from all harms
I know she is well
this much for sure I can tell
One day you will see our precious Jenna Belle
All her adventures she will surely tell
Til then know that she will wait
til you oneday enter that pearly gate
Let your heart heal,with that trust
And the Lord knows your heart just
Dont forget to tell him your heart
cause he knows it all from the start
Fran,
YES! It is normal to have these thoughts and emotions. I stayed angry for months. I questioned alot, and there are days after the "fog" that it feels worse then when it actually happened. It's just the way it is, and sadly, alot of people don't want to know that, hear about it...they just want to hear you say, "I'm doing good." The fact is, you're not, and it is perfectly ok. I had to learn not to worry about those comments because you do what you have to in order to stay sane. God already knows what you're feeling long before they ever leave your lips. And it's still OK.
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