Well, at church Sunday night, I was caught off guard. Completely.
Right before our pastor dismissed the service, he announced that there would be a couple dedicating their newborn to the Lord. He reminded us that this would not save the baby's soul but was a demonstration rather of the parents' willingness to give this baby to the Lord. The pastor went on to say, as he usually does, that we appreciate a healthy baby. Healthy baby. He said we don't take that for granted around here.
Boy, was he right.
Healthy baby. Just the idea seemed like an impossibility since our first and only baby wasn't. Then I remembered Jenna. Well actually from the moment he mentioned the dedication I was thinking about her. But when he said healthy baby for some reason I just could not take it.
I really thought I had reached the farthest level of pain, but I hadn't.
There are days that I feel numb, and that bothers me. But then I realize this is a randomized pattern of emotions I just go through. Normal? Not sure yet.
But that is just the way it is. Something like this beautiful dedication was in the past just another routine ceremony I got to witness once in a while. It was especially precious when it was my niece and nephew. But Sunday it hit real close to my heart. I think it actually pierced me that night. I wanted to dedicate my baby in front of the whole church. I wanted God and the whole world to know that we would raise her right. In the Word of God. In a good home. In the house of God. Guilt and a bit of confusion lingered over my mind for a few days that the dedication made me cry in a hurtful way. I woke up three days later breaking through all the emptiness that usually reminds me of my loss each morning. I laid in bed for a while and I was thinking about the dedication. Out of nowhere, I vividly remember something coming to my mind that must have been heavensent. I realized I don't have to dedicate her to the Lord, she is already with Him! Boy that did it for me. It hardly mattered that we did not get to dedicate her anymore.
Surely that was the goodness of God.
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2 comments:
Hey beautiful friend!!! I can't imagine what that feeling is like, but know that I'm standing next to you always. Remember that!!!
I love how the Lord speaks directly to the soul in times like that. As if he needed us to go through that painful situation so that we would hear him and understand him when he spoke. It's incredibly hard but like you said, what mattered was what you heard from Him. She is dancing before the King and that brings me joy too.
I think about you 24-7 and pray for ya. See you when I get back. Love ya sweet girl!
Hey sister,
ALl i can say is wow! You have an amazing way of thinking and of realizing that God is a good God and is ALWAYS on our side!I love that so much about you&it helps me so much&im sure it helps others.Know that I am always here for you&am glad God put you in my life.
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