Good Grief

"For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead. Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate." -Psalm 143:3, 4

I feel completely vulnerable writing right now, but I have decided to be honest, brutally honest about what is really happening inside of me.

Pete (my loving husband, for those of you who don't know) asked me how I was doing when we got home from work today. I told him I was having a meltdown a minute ago. He likes to make light of a bad situation, which these days really helps. He hugged me while he said- You look pretty solid to me... No, inside I am melting.

The further I go without my baby girl, the less I understand what God is doing. Its almost like it hurts more now than it did initially. It was easier to "accept" those first few weeks. I want to know what its like to be a mother... I HATE this pain. I really really do. I hurt so much I am just mad about it. Can anyone relate??? I really really don't like writing all of this. I feel like this a "woe is me" post. Be brutally honest... Grief isn't all bad, but it is harsh. It can be very ugly at times. And right now it is. All I can think about is missing her. Missing her. Missing her. Missing my daughter.

In spite of this awful phase of grief right now, I KNOW the skies will clear up one day. But I sure can't feel it.

Psalm 143 ended with "for I am thy servant." In spite of his pain David knew some things. So I am going to keep doing what I've been doing from the start. Breathe. Believe by faith that God makes no mistakes. Keep telling myself something good can come from this horrible horrible pit. And most of all think about her gain. Or at least I will try.

What About Them Clouds??

So I told you I liked the clouds... If you haven't read about it yet, I do. I absolutely love them. Its the one thing from God's creation that man can do little to destroy. (Well, aside from covering them up with smog, man cannot even destroy them!) So anyway I was driving home and here are some more clouds... Aren't they beautiful!? Well the picture really doesn't do it justice. It was just after a thunderstorm and some rain. The trees were the intensely saturated green from being completely soaked, and the sun was barely glimpsing over the horizon. If the skies are this beautiful I cannot even wrap my mind around how beautiful Heaven must be. Jenna's home. (sigh)

Walking with you, Grace for the Journey - The Sea of Grief

I have joined a group called Walking With You, Grace for the Journey, a support group for bereaved parents through a wonderful blog called The Beauty of Sufficient Grace (http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/2009/07/walking-with-you-sea-of-grief.html). In our discussion this week we are sharing the first steps in the sea of grief.

This is my journey through grief so far. I have not quite finished the first steps. My daughter went to be with the Lord a little over two months ago after 13 days here with us. The days following her death date, it was not real. I was in an intense shock from the weight of my loss. I kept wanting to go back to the hospital (where she lived in the NICU). Somehow the place I got to know her is the place that I attached with all the memories of her, naturally.

Mostly, I felt like a zombie. I look back now and think that was just grace being poured over my mind and spirit to keep me from completely losing it. I had many friends and family come to my side and offer tremendous support. When people started returning to the normal strut of life, it became real. Jenna was gone and not coming back. This was my grief journey. In spite of all the support, no one could carry this for me. I never doubted and still don't doubt that they care, but it just made the loss that much more real.

I also stayed (still staying) in the Psalms. I would read and read and read. The Psalms were never more precious. It wouldn't take much for me to be a mess, crying just remembering her. Thinking of all the what-ifs, could-have-beens, and on it goes. I was tempted to be mad at God, but I felt so guilty when that feeling arose. How could I possibly be mad at God, who gives and takes away? He does not owe me anything. At least I got to know her for 13 days. Even that thought did not take the hurt away though.

So the further I go in this journey, the less I want to talk about how I am doing. Truth be told, I feel completely guilty for being sad all the time, as if it is imposing on everyday life for others around me. But something tells me I needn't apologize for the way this grief is taking a toll on me. I am surviving. I am not thankful yet for the journey I hardly understand, but I am very aware that God's grace has been more present than ever. I am thankful for God's grace. Someone prayed that she would be born on 5-5-2009. And by one minute, she was. At 12:01 a.m. They also told me that five is the number of grace. I'd never heard that before, but that was pretty neat to me. She was our grace baby.

The Psalms have given me exceptional comfort. David lost a baby, too. He knew the pain and could still say God is good. He could still praise Him. That encourages me.

Psalms 90:5 " Thou carriest them away as with a flood; they are as a sleep: in the morning they are like grass which groweth up."

Morning is coming one day. I will get to see her grow up one day. And since time is irrelevant to God in Heaven, I have not missed one moment of her life. Not even a second. That rejoices my heart.

Birthday Wishes

Birthday Wishes



The day that should have marked her birth

And the day that we should have welcomed her home

Is nothing more than a whisper right now

That echoes today you're alone.



Instead of holding her gently

And giving her my first kiss

Instead of smelling her sweet baby scent

Today its those things that I miss



By looking at me one would never know

That I worked hard to carry a baby into this world

That today I should have given birth

That two months ago I buried my baby girl



But I know that this world cannot compare

To the welcome the angels gave

When Heaven opened its white pearly gates

As my sweet precious Jenna flew

To a home without tears, suffering and pain.



But as I feel that her candles burned out too soon

And her birthday wishes never came true

I know that her cake topped with sweet vanilla cream

Is much better in Heaven in the presence of the King.

Heavenly Play-Do

Just when I think I've finished feeling alone and lost, I haven't. There is that ugly monster's head of complete and utter loneliness again. And while I know several strong Christian women who have broken this lonely path before, I can't find it in me to ask for help. When I think I want to, I try and think - What do I say???!? I don't know. Nothing they say isn't something I haven't already heard. So I keep it inside until my facial expressions tell on me. My loving husband (who is handling this with an amazing strenth) then asks me, "Are you ok?"

"No. Not really."

He already knows what its all about. Jenna. Sooo not fair.

But who says it has to be fair? Certainly not God. His plan is greater, I have to remind myself. I have to believe this otherwise I will lose it. He also makes NO mistake. He let it happen. He allowed this. Not me, not anybody else. He did.

But in the midst of all these ups and downs my heart is breaking. Breaking like I never dreamed possible. I look up a lot. I like the clouds. A lot. Its like the clouds are the footstool of heaven. Sometimes I look up and well you might think I am crazy after you read this. But sometimes I look up and I make out shapes of different things like we do when we're kids. Well, I like to think that every now and then God lets Jenna play with the clouds from heaven, sort of like play-do or shaving cream on the table, only on a large scale. My imagination really helps me these days.

It's possible.

Pierced & Comforted

Well, at church Sunday night, I was caught off guard. Completely.

Right before our pastor dismissed the service, he announced that there would be a couple dedicating their newborn to the Lord. He reminded us that this would not save the baby's soul but was a demonstration rather of the parents' willingness to give this baby to the Lord. The pastor went on to say, as he usually does, that we appreciate a healthy baby. Healthy baby. He said we don't take that for granted around here.

Boy, was he right.

Healthy baby. Just the idea seemed like an impossibility since our first and only baby wasn't. Then I remembered Jenna. Well actually from the moment he mentioned the dedication I was thinking about her. But when he said healthy baby for some reason I just could not take it.

I really thought I had reached the farthest level of pain, but I hadn't.

There are days that I feel numb, and that bothers me. But then I realize this is a randomized pattern of emotions I just go through. Normal? Not sure yet.

But that is just the way it is. Something like this beautiful dedication was in the past just another routine ceremony I got to witness once in a while. It was especially precious when it was my niece and nephew. But Sunday it hit real close to my heart. I think it actually pierced me that night. I wanted to dedicate my baby in front of the whole church. I wanted God and the whole world to know that we would raise her right. In the Word of God. In a good home. In the house of God. Guilt and a bit of confusion lingered over my mind for a few days that the dedication made me cry in a hurtful way. I woke up three days later breaking through all the emptiness that usually reminds me of my loss each morning. I laid in bed for a while and I was thinking about the dedication. Out of nowhere, I vividly remember something coming to my mind that must have been heavensent. I realized I don't have to dedicate her to the Lord, she is already with Him! Boy that did it for me. It hardly mattered that we did not get to dedicate her anymore.

Surely that was the goodness of God.

His Angels

I get to thinking sometimes about what someone told me shortly after Jenna passed away. Was she really an angel visiting this earth with a short pass from heaven? Only time will tell (when we get to the other side). Something encouraged me in this matter the other day when I was reading Psalms. David said that God "maketh his angels spirits". Hmmm.....

I choose to believe that God takes a few angels from Heaven and makes them spirit and soul - like me and you. The Bible also says that some have "entertained angels unawares". Such and incredible thought- that God would allow something like that. He really is a mysterious God.

Can't really understand why, but it brings a certain level of comfort to think she might have been one of those angels.

He's Coming Back

"For he hath looked down from the height of his sanctuary; from heaven did the LORD behold the earth; To hear the groaning of the prisoner; to loose those that are appointed to death;"

-Psalm 102: 19, 20

After church service was over Wednesday evening I was walking with someone to my car. I stopped as soon as we got out of the building. A sunset ocre filled the sky and splashed a reflection on every car's windshield in unison-- It was amazing. The atmosphere was filled with a divine peace. More and more people began to appreciate the splendor of the heavens. I reached for my camera and others grabbed their phones to capture this glimpse of heavenly bliss. For some reason, I got to thinking of how nice it would be if the Lord came back at that moment. Well, it wasn't Wednesday night but He is coming.

Days Like These

"For I am become like a bottle in the smoke; yet do I not forget thy statutes."

-Psalms 119:83

Anywhere I go, I feel like there is a lonely dark shadow around me, something like this bottle in the smoke. I guess that's normal after such a loss. After life has shifted the ground back to normal for everyone else, I feel that her memory is slipping away from this world. That is when it just seems endless; the pain, the loss and the absence of hope. As I read on through Psalm 119, I read that David, in spite of his hopeless feelings, he found comfort in God.

"How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!"

-Psalms 119:103