Tired

Sometimes I am tired...

of being the mother to a dead child
of not knowing who she was
of knowing I did not get to blissfully enjoy my pregnancy with her
of the memories being painful
of her memory fading
of the sunshine being bittersweet
of hurting when I daily realize the things I'll never get to experience with her
of being uncomfortable around infant baby girls
of feeling like I have moved on too quickly
of replaying the day she died as if it will change anything
of searching for answers when there are none
of having a dead child instead of a happy, healthy baby girl
of trying to remember her with temporal things that will never replace her
of crying
of feeling like my efforts to remember her short life will never do her justice
of realizing the increasing permanence of this loss
of being sad when I am alone and left to my thoughts
of not being a normal mother
of feeling like God could have saved her
of being a mother with no baby to carry
of feeling guilt over her death
of baby things not being happy things
of this reality that has been handed to me

of holding on to Heaven's hope, but then I realize that's all I have left 

sometimes I am just tired.