funeral flashback

This won't be a very uplifting post, I've been kind of in a slump lately (you may have noticed by my last post)...

I went to a funeral the other day and it wasn't for another baby. And it wasn't my first funeral to attend since Jenna died. But it was the hardest one yet. And I wonder why...

There wasn't anything in particular that reminded me of her funeral (other than the same church). It was just HARD. It brought it all back. The tiniest casket I ever laid eyes on. The color of the casket... the generosity of so many people, including strangers, that sent tons of flower arrangements. All the gerbers... {should be happy flowers}...  the music, the doves, sitting a few feet away from my dead daughter's casket during the service-

I remember standing there, feeling like I was being held by Someone because my knees were too weak to stand. People made their way before the service started to give their condolences and I don't remember a word anybody said to me. I don't know if it was shock, or the perfect peace of God that was holding me together, maybe a combination of both. I told the person standing next to me who'd also lost a baby that it didn't feel real. That is the only conversation I remember from the funeral.

I honestly don't know if I can survive another funeral. Maybe it's because now the fog has lifted, the air is clear and reality has slapped me in the face. I get it, she's not coming back, there is no Jenna Belle Cox at Texas Children's Hospital anymore. Bed 25 is occupied by some other preemie infant, hopefully much better off than my Jenna was. Death is real. At least in my world it is.

I am literally throwing myself into my studio these days... it's been a really nice distraction. It allows me to at least for a while numb the pain and refocus my energy...

-and try to remember my Jenna without the painful memories.