Honest Scrap Award

Thank you, Christy for the Honest Scrap Award. It means a lot that you take time to stop by my blog for Jenna Belle and post encouraging words. 

Christy, from A Piece of the Pearsons passed this award onto me and I get to pass it on to seven people! I might pick someone who has already received it before but here goes...

This award is for bloggers who write honestly from their heart, from the depth of their soul. There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

1. Rachel at Waiting For Morning 

2.Rachel at Running the Race

3. Carly at Love Reign Over Me

4. Holly at Caring for Carleigh

5. Danielle at Letting Go and Letting God

6. Caroline at The Croley Gang

7. Once a Mother 

Ten things about me... I think I have done this recently for Lynette Kraft's blog so I am just copying and pasting. =P

1. I am blessed to be have been Jenna Belle's Mommy for 13 days!

2. Gerber Daisies make the world a better place
3. I love ANYTHING Fuchsia
4. I paint in BRIGHT colors
5. Something about rain makes me happy
6. Sunrises and sunsets give me peace
7. Blogging makes my time go fast and keeps me busy, and I love it
8. I have learned that Jesus Christ is a loyal friend
9. My favorite person on Earth is my husband
10. Ponies remind me of my angel

Secret Garden Meeting - August

This month at the Secret Garden, we are talking about our babies bedrooms and their belongings. This is a place where bereaved parents can come together and share their stories, their babies' lives and get support.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Jenna's nursery was not the traditional light pink and fluffy theme. I wanted something different with a splash of saturation and personality. Her walls were painted avocado green and accented with fuchsia and violet blankets, butterflies, curtains and just anything girlie I could think of. We went a little crazy since we were jazzed about having a girl...



Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
It was not finished when we came home empty-handed. It was especially devastating to see the nursery furniture that the grandparents' had so generously purchased. I still wonder if it will ever be used.


If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
It was hard, and nearly impossible to believe what was really happening. I would walk into her room, and for a split second forget that I wasn't pregnant anymore. There would be no baby to put to sleep, or nurse or sing to. The stuffed animals are some of my favorite things since they were in her incubator with her. We had her clothes, diapers, lotion, hats, socks, shoes, blankets, and more clothes... It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Walking into her room full of shattered dreams brought the coldest wind of disappointment and grief. Somehow, it was still nice to have something to hold that was all Jenna's. I continued to decorate her room until it was practically finished. It was a place to go and shut the door and just think about her, cry my heart out, read my Bible and pray.


Did you pack it all away?
Nope. I loved looking at it, even though it crushed me. I cannot say that it helped me to heal by any means, it was just something that I had to do.

 What is your baby's room now?
Since we moved from where I first set her room up, it has been placed in boxes. When we move to our new home (hopefully November) I plan to start all over, and make a place for Jenna. This is what I think we will be doing, anyway. My feelings are like unpredictable lightening bolts.


If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
I am not pregnant again as of yet, but I would do it all over again. There's no harm in hoping for the best. I believe that hoping in God's mercy is the safest thing to do and each baby is worth it. Along with that hope comes a natural sense of fear...

A Little Kind Word Goes a Long Way

I had the biggest blessing the other day and I have been wanting to tell the world about it, blog world anyway. A friend approached me and told me she'd been thinking about Jenna and me, and praying for me. It was so out of the blue and spontaneous, it was just what I needed - it literally made my day! Someone talking about my Jenna to me! Thank you and I love you so much, Angela! 

Oh, how I wish I could tell the world that it really is ok to talk about her. I love talking about her. She changed me. She was my little miracle, my gift from Heaven. I might cry when I talk about her, but its not because of what's being said, it's because my heart loves deeply the one I can't hold. I am just so thankful that God gave me her to love. So very thankful. I cannot imagine life without the love that overflows my heart for my sweet Jenna. She was tiny to this world, but she has made an eternal difference in my life. My heart can cry for a mother's breaking heart and truly appreciate the beautiful gift of life.

Something to Live For: Hope

I have been missing my little baby girl so.... MUCH. I just want to hold her, see her, smell her again. (sigh) Lots of moments I hadn't thought about in a while came to my memory this past week. Painful memories. But we shared them with her and for that they are precious. The more I go into this the less I appreciate it and the less I understand why. There's a question for eternity. Why. But it just is the way it is. I miss her. I am glad I got to know her. I just feel cheated, so very cheated on motherhood. I know I serve a GOOD God. He has definitely been there for me. Even when I didn't feel it, and sometimes I don't, He is undoubtedly there. He sustains me, keeps me going and gives me something to live for everyday. I cling to the hope He has given. Sometimes I just have to take Him for His word when all else fails, because He said so.

"My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer."

-Psalm 45:1

A More Perfect Love

I see your tears

When noone else does

I know how you miss me

And the emptiness you feel

I wish sometimes I could tell you

How I really am ok

How Heaven is far sweeter than words can tell

How precious the Lord is and I'm at home

Where all is well

I know that doesn't soften the blow

I know that doesn't dry your eyes

But if I could tell you just one thing

It would be that in Heaven there's just a more perfect love

A love that dries tears

A love that stands still

A love that doesn't know time

A love that forgets the woes of this life

And while you miss me being in your arms

I miss you too

But time hasn't torn a hole in my heart yet,

It's not been but a few moments

that I have been gone

The place where we one day will meet

Is closer than it feels

And me, your precious Angel

Am closer than you think

The life that I lived reached our Father's will

Far sooner than you would have chosen

But from Heaven the big picture is clear

And there's no doubt behind it there is perfection

The love that fills your heart for me

Does not go unseen

The tears you cry because I'm not there

Will be dried in Heaven

The longing that haunts you with emptiness

Will one day be restored

But Mother, in my new home

There is just a more perfect love

-written August 16, 2009

Thank God for the Roses

Lately... I have been having some rough days. I literally felt like I was drowning in this sea of grief, with no relief. I have been angry about what happened and the frustration that tags along with the loss has been eating away my joy. Not to mention all the millions of other emotions that follow anger...

But today I tasted the goodness of God. I forgot just how good He really is. He was there with me today. I carried a newborn for the first time after my sweet Jenna Belle today. And I think He must have been carrying me. Some might think it too soon but it helped me. It wasn't my baby - that part hurt. I realized what I am missing out on. But just to hold a miracle from God and know that healthy babies really happen. And to smell the sweet baby smell and to rock the baby to sleep - it really really did something. It gave me hope and something to look forward to. Something to treasure and be thankful for. Someone told me God won't let you stay down. Every once in a while, He'll send you a rose. Thank God for the roses.

Thank you, Mrs. Carol for sitting with me.

"Thou, which hast shown me great and sore troubles, shalt quicken me again, and shalt bring me up again from the depths of the earth."

- Psalm 71:20

Texas Knows My Angel

I don't even know what to say really...
I got it today. Her birth certificate. I was instantly happy since we'd gone through a lot to get it.
But it made it real all over again.

I think the Lord in His mercy gave me a good day where I wasn't falling apart until I checked the mail this evening. I kept wondering, Why am I ok? I mean I missed her, but the pain was not consuming me today.

And then I thought it must have been orchestrated from Heaven. Just giving me a glimpse of relief before I would have to look at it. It made me happy I said, but it also made me sad.

I know these details won't mean much to most people. But it will mean something to a baby lost mother someday and hopefullly give her the assurance that she's not crazy and definitely not alone. These days are the days we'd rather not live. And they are big days. Sad days that no one on the planet (except for those who have buried a baby) understands.

It has been over three months and the state finally knows about her...

It's just a document, but it constitutes her existence on this earth for even a short while.

It is proof that my angel was not just a dream... There are times that it seems like it all happened so fast, it feels as though I dreamed the whole thing up. That is the worst worst WORST feeling. The whisper of her life and the fear of forgetting.

First Dream

I wish I could dream about you
like before
Before the fifth, before the NICU, before the nightmare.
Only it wasn't a nightmare.

We lived it didn't we?
You made it out alright
I'm not sure I did
Lots of rain, even when its sunny
And there are storm clouds even on a "good" day

Weak smiles, guilty laughter
Just know I always miss you
Life demands I keep on going
Even when I want to stop
I have to keep surviving

My sweet precious Jenna Belle
Your days will always be remembered
Your death I won't let ruin me
So when I seem like I'm alright
Struggling to show the deep corners of my heart

It sinks everyday,
but for you, because of Christ
It will be ok
Just know I always miss you
You will always be our firstborn
And not forgotten

The house you never lived in feels empty
And that chokes me to tears
My heart cries when my eyes can't
Loneliness in a crowd is such a paradox
But it's real.

Part of the sorrow is comforting
The part of you that lives in me
How I wish it could be you kicking me inside instead!
Useless wishing
I better just be thankful

You held on
You fought
No, I haven't forgotten
You saw us and you loved us.

A lifetime ago
But not really
I hate that time steals the tenderness of it all
The world is forgetting, but not me
My heart stands still as the world around me spins

My dear child, my first dream
First hopes, first steps
First words
First haircut
They would have been our firsts.

Someday I might wake up in a better place
Far from heartache
Tears
Broken smiles
Lost joy and bittersweet memories

But if that's what it takes to remember you
You're worth it
Life is precious
Heaven is sweeter,
My precious daughter.

10 Things About Jenna's Mommy...

For Lynette Kraft's interesting post
http://lynnettekraft.blogspot.com/2009/08/link-up-your-blog-so-i-and-others-can.html

To meet others and learn about one another... This is me in 100 words or less...

1. I am blessed to be have been Jenna Belle's Mommy for 13 days!
2. Gerber Daisies make the world a better place
3. I love ANYTHING Fuchsia
4. I paint in BRIGHT colors
5. Something about rain makes me happy
6. Sunrises and sunsets give me peace
7. Blogging makes my time go fast and keeps me busy, and I love it
8. I have learned that Jesus Christ is a loyal friend
9. My favorite person on Earth is my husband
10. Ponies remind me of my angel

Thanks for reading!

Jenna Belle's Balloons

Today is three months from her birthday. Lots of tears and frustrations. No, I did not get her birth or death certificate. BUT, we are one day closer to getting it. Thanks be to God. We found someone at the main office in Austin who is a saint. She is going above and beyond to make sure we get these documents. Thank you, Vanessa!

Aside from this, the highlight of my day was visiting her. The shady trees make her gravesite such a pleasant place to be. We put these giant soft pink gerber daisies in a vase and bought her ten bright balloons. On each month, we release balloons. But before releasing them, we write things on them with a sharpie. Who knows- maybe God just reaches into our world and pulls them into Heaven for her to play with? I like to think so. Thank God for the good weather so far on these days.

Head in the Sand

Well they say it gets worse and they're right. So far these last few days have been exhausting to say the least. At first, I missed her badly. But now the shock that prevented me from complete insanity is wearing off. The more it sheds off, the more reality shows. I really lost my daughter. The concept of having a daughter is still so new and amazing. Its just sad it ended so soon. Too soon. I feel like I am just going through the motions.. Doing what has to be done and not really living it. Today I went down to get her birth and death certificate. There was a room full of mothers doing exactly what I was doing. Only they still had their little ones.

The officer that was on duty offered his help.

He said you can't use the same form (birth and death) for two different people.

It's not two different people, I told him.

He didn't get it.

How's the other baby? he asked.

There is no other baby... My only daughter DIED! I wanted to scream.

How traumatic, he said like he was talking about someone else's life.

Yes. IT WAS.

Turns out the state hasn't received her records... blah blah blah

It's not about needing it. I need closure. Hopefully tomorrow I can get it...

My head's in the sand. I have never felt this way before I don't think. I can offer no comforting or uplifting words today, just honesty. This is life and I am adjusting. God is my strength and sometimes I have to just take his Word at face value, even when it doesn't seem like it.

"He hath also broken my teeth with gravel stones, he hath covered me with ashes."

-Lamentations 3:16

The Secret Garden Meeting July

http://thesecretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com/2009/07/july-meeting.html

The Secret Garden Meeting comes together the last Friday of every month to offer support, hope, healing, acceptance and most importantly a place to be free and safe for bereaved parents. The questions for July are below with some of my thoughts...

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

At first it was extremely hard to imagine Jenna Belle anywhere. Everyone kept telling me that she was in Heaven. That was a nice thought but so hard to get a mental picture of. After about three weeks to a month, I could finally see her. This brought a new peace and comfort that she was in good hands. Today I see her on the street of gold, with her dark curly pigtails bouncing around as she rides her pony. I can see her in the presence of family and friends who have gone on before, like her grandpa. And the best part is she is healthy. And happy. I don't believe she will have grown a whole lot from the moment we said goodbye when we meet again since time in Heaven is not like it is on earth.

On my hard days, even this vision does not offer a whole lot of comfort since there is still separation. It's times like that that I know she is not as far away as I feel. She watches me, listens to me and loves me. Sometimes I get this thought that she is right next to me but I just can't see her. She knows that I miss her and she waits.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Its hard to say right now. There are of course the natural fears of history repeating itself, which would be the end of me. All I can do is hope for God's mercy.

"The Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy."

-Psalm 147:11