I got it today. Her birth certificate. I was instantly happy since we'd gone through a lot to get it.
But it made it real all over again.
I think the Lord in His mercy gave me a good day where I wasn't falling apart until I checked the mail this evening. I kept wondering, Why am I ok? I mean I missed her, but the pain was not consuming me today.
And then I thought it must have been orchestrated from Heaven. Just giving me a glimpse of relief before I would have to look at it. It made me happy I said, but it also made me sad.
I know these details won't mean much to most people. But it will mean something to a baby lost mother someday and hopefullly give her the assurance that she's not crazy and definitely not alone. These days are the days we'd rather not live. And they are big days. Sad days that no one on the planet (except for those who have buried a baby) understands.
It has been over three months and the state finally knows about her...
It's just a document, but it constitutes her existence on this earth for even a short while.
It is proof that my angel was not just a dream... There are times that it seems like it all happened so fast, it feels as though I dreamed the whole thing up. That is the worst worst WORST feeling. The whisper of her life and the fear of forgetting.
5 comments:
I love you lots sister,&wish i could do something to minimize your pain,but I know all i can do for you is pray.I know God can heal your heart.One day at a time,one minute at a time,one second at a time...Love to the skies
Ah- big days indeed... I remember EXACTLY how I felt with I got Andrew's 'stillbirth' certificate- rough stuff- Thinking of you and thankful that you know you're not alone in this journey- He's always there to pick you up off that floor- God is good!
Hugs-
Laura
I love you friend! You are right, there are many of us who just can't fathom what it is like to take that walk to the mail box and recieve something you wish you could put "return to sender". You are though in fact helping those who are and who will one day experience this loss. I want you to know that every prayer, moan, tear that you have is not going unheard. You will never get that back with a return to sender because Christ is with you. He is and will always walk beside you. Thank you so much for coming to church, I really enjoyed just being able to sit next to you. Know you are precious to me and I have an ear, well two of them :0) when you need someone to just hear you out and not speak. I pray that today you find rest in the Lord. One day at a time friend.
Your little girl will not be forgotten. I've added Jenna Belle's story at "Whispered Support."
Please visit me at Rory's Garden if you have time. http://onlysayitwithflowers.blogspot.com/
keeping you in my thoughts and prayers
Sarah xxx
im afraid to receive jordans BC more then anything. Im also afraid to receive the hospital pictures I will be receiving today. I have been so wrapped up in my divorce I havent been thinking about what happened with jordan that much, and I feel like the worst person in the world. Im afraid im going to forget him, or forget most of the things that I remember of him, which most are all so blurry as it is.
thank you for your continued prayers they mean so much. I will be praying for you as well. im always here if you need someone to talk to.
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