There have been two occasions now that we have dug through Jenna's things... making room... in her room...
It shouldn't be this hard. But it is. Trying to convince myself that this isn't betrayal. After all she ISN'T coming back. Looking around at all those clothes I so stupidly bought. Stupidly. Naively. I knew something might be wrong and I prepared anyway for the little girl I'll never bring home. Stupidly.
And it hurt. I cried. The first night we were going through her things and sorting through tangible depression we didn't have many storage containers. In fact we had one. One big ugly gray one.
If we are going to store her things, we were going to do it right. A few days later before we continued through the excavation, I bought fuchsia storage bins. I knew it was a God thing. It had to be. I'd never seen anything like that at Wal-mart before, usually Target has the cute ones...
So now her things are neatly stored in fuchsia storage bins. I can fit almost everything that proves her existence in four fuchsia storage bins. And one big ugly gray one.
I hate grief.
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20 comments:
Franchesca, I'm sorry you have to store Jenna's things. I'm sorry for the four fuschia bins and the big ugly gray one - but that big gray one is just one among the four beautiful ones, just as our grief is but one part of the blessing that our babies gave us.
It makes me feel sad that you feel it was stupid to buy her clothes and things. I know you can't help it - I feel the same way about things I did. I think, though, that it was more just hope and love. Not stupidity.
((hugs))
Franchesca, I'm sorry you have to store Jenna's things. I'm sorry for the four fuschia bins and the big ugly gray one - but that big gray one is just one among the four beautiful ones, just as our grief is but one part of the blessing that our babies gave us.
It makes me feel sad that you feel it was stupid to buy her clothes and things. I know you can't help it - I feel the same way about things I did. I think, though, that it was more just hope and love. Not stupidity.
((hugs))
Oh, Franchesca, its so difficult doing what you did. I am so glad that God provided you with the fushia ones to make it special for Jenna. Now storing her things can be like placing them in a treasured place, much like the we place their memories, and our devotion to them safely in our hearts. It's not a stupid thing that you did buying her special things, it's beautiful. It's evidence of the love you have for her, it's a decision to hope, rather than to give up, it's a choice to acknowledge her life, her very existence her on earth. So no, I don't think it was stupid, I think it was a beautiful, loving hope. As her mother you have that right. You have the right to love her in everyway a mother shows love.
What a hard thing to have to do. I am so sorry that you even have to do it. I don't think you were stupid for buying so much for her. You did what any parent would do. We hadn't bought hardly anything for Juan because he wouldn't expose himself to us and I feel so bad that I have nothing. Is there ever a "happy" medium? I don't think so. I am so glad that you were able to get the perfect bins to store her things in.
I'm thinking about you.
(((HUGS)))
Me too. The boys stuff is already packed up. My sister and dear friend packed it all up for us before we came home from the hospital. I have been wanting to go through it actually and pull out some gender neutral stuff for the new babe but I just haven't had the heart.
Thinking of you my dear.
We all hate grief. It hurts, so very badly. Sorry, sweet Franchesca. I know how much it hurts.
I am sorry that it's hurting so much.
We hadn't bought many things when we lost Cadynce. I was waiting until we hit "V" before starting. So I hurt that I dont have many things that would have been for her.
I don't know which is worse.
Hugs
(((HUGS)))
I'm so sorry you feel this way. I want to let you know you are definitely not stupid. Buying those things was out of love and nothing but love! Thinking of you lots! XO
I got a special bin for Maddie's stuff, too, because I wanted something that was hers and all hers. I think you're doing so much to honor your little girl, and it's so sweet. Hugs to you.
I have NO idea of what to do or how to do it when it comes to Matthew's things...it's an ENTIRE, FULLY stocked nursery...he was overdue, for Pete's sake! I just told a friend today that the last thing I did before we left for the hospital was put his stocking up...
Dear one, I wish I had better words for you--words that made your heart a little lighter. I'm still wondering how I'll breathe myself.
I can say that I'm lifting you up and am SO glad that you found the fuschia bins! :)
Praying for you and sending some {{HUGS}}
Caroline
I am sorry you are having to go through this. I too stupidly bought things for my baby girl. How can you NOT prepare for the life that is stirring inside of you? But, it is has been over a year now and I have still not gone through her things or packed anything away. Her room still has a baby bed up and her comforter hanging on the wall. I cannot bring myself to do anything with that room until we are pregnant again. Good for you and yes the pink storage bins are amazing! I am glad you found them. Praying you find so much peace today.
I can only imagine how hard that was. I have not had to do anything with Janessa's room or items yet. I always think of if & when I have to what that will be like. I am happy you found those fuschia bins.
Sending prayers your way. I know this must have been very difficult, but yay for fuschia!
Many Hugs,
Karen
I'm so sorry you had to do this. I am very glad you found fuchsia though!
Grief is just plain awful...
Jenna Belle's lovely things make even that big ugly gray container beautiful.
I am giving you a big hug! xoxo
You have lots of comments already saying all the things I am feeling, but I just wanted you to know that I'm here and I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs-and that I'm remembering Jenna with you and sending you hugs. And loving the fuschia bins-you're so right about how those are a rare find!!!
Hugs!
I am so sorry you even had to put her stuff away. It is one of the hardest things to do *huge hugs*
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