In a movie I was watching, the woman is bitter with God for taking her husband from her, so unexpectedly and so young. She asked a man why God would let such unthinkable things happen to good people. I thought... yup...
The man she was talking with answered her this... If my daughter trips and falls while I am walking right beside her it doesn't mean I allowed it to happen, but I will cry when she cries and rejoice when she is well. I LOVED that picture of God's love.
And a message I heard a few weeks ago was about having faith to be able to see the goodness of God. I haven't owned this type of faith in a VERY long time.
Some days I cannot deal with the fact that I have a dead daughter - it is too much. And some days I cannot stop thinking about it and it is on the forefront of every thought.
I told my husband the other day I just wanted to be accept this life. Accept her fate. Accept it all, and seriously be okay.
The message was preached out of this verse:
I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13
That word "believed" struck a chord with me. For over a year I haven't wanted to believe that God was good. Every time I heard someone say "God is good" or "God will work it out" or "God has a plan" my mind would default to my sick, tiny NICU baby. Well what about Jenna?!? I felt justified in questioning his 'goodness' since after all, he had let me down.
I really don't know how to move past the disappointment, but a part of my heart lately wants to believe he is still good.
My specs have been tainted with grief, bitterness and heartache but only I can clean the lenses. Only I can make that choice to believe that God is still good.
I walked out to Jenna's garden a few days ago and spotted a butterfly prancing among the flowers. I watched it steadily wondering if it would still be there if I dashed for camera in time... I watched it for a few short moments and decided I wanted to at least try to commit this bit of God's goodness to film. It's really hard to see in the pictures, so I apologize ahead of time, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say it was a baby butterfly... (it's near the bottom center)
13 comments:
I see it, it's beautiful. {{HUGS}}
I love that quote from the movie you watched. And I'm so glad you have reached this phase in your loss. Not of understanding or of being ok with things, but accepting that this is what happened, and God is still good in spite of it all.
I think I see the butterfly. What a beautiful moment!
Thanks for this post! I am going through the same thing. Losing my boys has been the biggest test of faith I've ever experienced, and a lot of it has come back to: do I REALLY believe the things I've been saying I believe all these years? And how do I come to terms with what happened, and how does that fit into my idea of God?
Good thoughts, thanks again!
B
This year has been a huge reminder to me that so much of the Christian faith is aligning my head to my heart. It is a CHOICE to believe, even when I feel like I don't want to. I chose to believe God is good when I can't see it, I chose to believe God has a plan when it looks like it is falling apart. I don't let my emotions predict my faith.
Wow, it is hard, so hard. I fail at it every day. Thank the Lord for mercy.
Its beautiful I see it! ((hugs))
I see it too! Beautiful!
That is a really good quote that you shared with us. And it's so true!!!
I definitely see it, too - it's lovely!
Gosh I've had a lot of the same questions and doubts but I still want to return to the fact that He's holding me and without Him I don't get to see my daughter again. In the end an eternity with her will make this time without her seem like a blink of the eye. And I too am so grateful for His AMAZING GRACE!!!
I have said many times that I wish I could just accept this life. I am not at a point where I feel ready to accept this life though. It hurts too much still. I love that a butterfly visited Jenna's garden. How sweet and perfect!
i feel the same way...and i do see the butterfly looks beautiful...Jenna stopping by to say hello to mamma very cute!!
So get this...and totally know that it is a choice to trust and believe. It's a choice I often make about 50 times (or more) a day because there are so many things that I just think conflict with what I feel the character of God is.
Then I just have to remember that there is NO EARTHLY WAY I should be able to breathe or walk or ANYTHING without Matthew...and I do. So, that's where I have to just believe it's God.
And I also try and remember that though they aren't with us, our precious babies truly, truly are miracles. And whenever I question or doubt, I just think about how those amazing and precious little ones came to be and know that just the honor of carrying them is such a blessing.
And then I go back to purposefully choosing to believe those things! It's so hard!
I love the quote you shared, thank you. What a beautiful post! I do see the butterfly, its beautiful!
love and prayers
elena
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