change

I have been wanting to re-do this space for my Jenna for awhile. I just couldn't figure out what I wanted it to look like. When I told my husband I was redo-ing Jenna's blog he said "Again??" Ummm... yea...?  I guess to him a blog is a blog... but to me - Jenna's spot has to be perfect, and I was beginning to get really tired of the gray background. So this time around I thought of doing a scrapbook look... and God was so good. He let me stumble on *the* most perfect scrapbook kit... called May Morning (umm perfect name since that is HER month) and it has a little bird... perfection again... AND the bird was a-hem... FUCHSIA!

Perfection. Only God.

Thank you, God for letting me find Jenna's new perfect look! 

I have been feeling nothing short of guilt for my lack of blogging here lately since Bubby made his entrance into this world. This blog was started to journal my grief, and I intend to continue my journey on grief here, but the honest truth is my grief has changed... yet again. Grief in one word is unpredictable. I find myself totally 'okay' one minute and then I wake up one morning and realize I have a dead child. In the 21st century... how do you explain that to the world??? And then the cycle of why me... why this... why why why starts. But the grief and the pain are not raw these days. It is tolerable, bearable and very much a part of who I am now. I don't feel jarred in this world of grief anymore. It's life. Forever. There are moments where I still can't believe this happened. And those moments come so unexpectedly into my everyday strut but they usually pass as quickly as they come. 

I guess I can honestly say I have accepted my daughter's death. I am NOT okay that she died. I am NOT okay that I will always get to wonder about her and never really get to know her. And accepting is a tricky place to be. I find guilt here too. I have to keep telling myself that accepting this does NOT mean I don't miss her with every fiber of my being. Acceptance does NOT entail forgetting or leaving her behind. 

Acceptance is smiling because she lived instead of crying because she died. Acceptance is realizing I may not be ready to look at those pictures just yet, and that's okay. Acceptance is knowing that she lives on through me. Acceptance is being filled with gratitude that I experienced joy because of her instead of feeling sorry for myself. Acceptance is remembering that God was there those 13 days. Acceptance is believing God out of pure desperation. Acceptance is embracing my days here with open arms and an open heart, and knowing I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for Jenna. Acceptance is resting in that blessed hope that I will get to see her again.