Still

Time is a friend. That's what I've been told.

But today all time has done is taken me further away from the day you were born.

And our 13 days together.

Today all around it feels like death has won.

I have to keep looking up. I have to believe that with each passing day the moment where we will meet only gets closer.

I went into Hobby Lobby today. I LOVE going into that store EXCEPT on days like today. I don't want to go to Hobby Lobby to get my dead daughter flowers anymore. I don't want to be that woman anymore. I feel weird even calling myself a woman, because inside I feel like a child. Lost and trying to figure things out, yet at the same time I have aged a hundred years. Inside.

I grabbed some flowers and was out in a flush. I am still that woman.

Jenna, I need distractions from what I am missing out on. I miss you so bad it is hard to even bring those three simple words into my mouth without choking up. So I write them.

We visited you today.

We didn't stay long. But we were there.

You're not there though. I know that, but somehow it just seems wrong not to visit you on marker days like this.

With what seems like only a few waking moments before your first birthday gets here, I am withering inside. Has it really been this long?

I miss you, baby girl. It seems I have become addicted to making my world busy to drown the grief. But at the end of the day my heart is still broken. Empty. Missing you.

At the end of the day, no matter what my days are filled with, my heart's longing only grows for Heaven and for what could have been.

Someday I will look back and be able to see some beauty in this grief, and there are tiny glimpses here and there.

Right now death has won.

And I am still that woman.