Last night I spent the better part of the evening redesigning my blog design website... I get bored easily these days with my layouts, as you may have noticed. I tossed and turned all night and new ideas kept popping into my head. Needless to say I didn't get the rest I needed.
I woke up with my husband around 5:05 this morning. Made him lunch for work. Kissed him goodbye. Went to our bathroom. Looked at myself in the mirror.
Today was the day my little one turned 24 weeks. I told myself silently that he could live outside the womb, if it came to that. I began to shake my head and even told myself "No!" outloud. Having a mental conversation with myself about this thing called viability.
I remember thinking to myself how much I hate myself for not being able to birth a healthy Jenna into this world.
I tried to sleep. Drank some cold water, felt his incessant flutters and kicks. Finally I was sleeping.
It wasn't until almost 9 in the morning that I would wake up and realize I dreamed about her.
Not her name. Not her death.
Her.
I understand now when other BLM say it is painful to dream about them. It's like losing them all over again when you wake up. Only in this dream...
Well I will try and explain how it went...
The thought about viability at that ungodly hour must have induced this heartwrenching dream. Not fair. Not one bit.
I dreamed I was in the NICU but with this baby. Jenna was there on her breathing machine too, only she looked and seemed just fine. She was tiny, but she was moving and opening her eyes and even TALKING.
Yes, TALKING!!!
But her voice would only be directed at her baby brother in this dream. I remember her telling him how to use the breathing machine. She was so playful about it too.
I remember thinking in my dream that it wasn't fair that she was here, because we would lose her all over again. I don't remember being at all concerned about baby brother's health, somehow maybe he would be alright?
And then my dream shifted and I was trying to get out of paying a $5,000 bill to a grief counselor. Bizarre, but I guess in my dream I did lose her again.
I cried when I realized what I dreamt.
But I loved that I dreamed about her. Her voice. It was her voice. So brave, so playful, so delicate.
15 comments:
Oh franchesca I'm so happy you heard her voice. However I do know that it is hard to dream about your lost baby. I dream about Grace nightly. She dies nightly. I hate it. I can't wait to see her living and fine in my dreams. I am so sorry that you your new baby was in the NICU. However, you are probably dreaming that because that is how you know a new baby right now. You know a baby in the NICU, not a healthy baby in your arms. I will contiue to pray for you and your new baby that things will go well! You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
That's wonderful you heard her voice in your dream. I dream about my baby sometimes, but she's always dead because that's the only way I know her. I'm thinking of you and hoping things continue to go well for you and your new baby! :)
I'm so glad that you heard her voice in your dream - what a special gift and wonderful dream. It's beautiful to know that your babies are close in your dreams.
Very painful, but very beautiful dream. Jenna is looking our from her baby brother, even if it is from afar. *hugs*
Wow. Just like Kristy said-totally painful, but beautiful. I haven't had any dreams at all, really, about the babies and it's something I long for and somehow dread all at the same time. Dreams can have a huge impact on us. I'm so gla dyou got to hear her voice and know that she is looking after baby brother.
I agree, painful but what a blessing to hear her sweet voice! I havent been blessed yet with a dream of my angels and Im praying that it will come soon. *HUGS*
I think it is a wonderful gift to dream about our babies, but as you mention it is also painful to dream about them. I had a few days in a row where I had dreams then all of a sudden they were gone. I wish so badly that someday they will come back. As painful as they are, they bring me closer to my babies in a way. I love that you heard Jenna's voice! I think that is simply amazing!
Sending you Lots of Love!
Wow, what an amazing dream! Even though it is painful, how special to get to see Jenna, and even to hear her voice! That must have been so sweet.
Bless your heart...I can only imagine how bittersweet this was for you. Especially with you trying not to worry every second about Jenna's brother, to think about it in a dream that you have no control over is probably pretty anxiety-producing, I'd imagine.
SO glad and hopeful for your heart that hearing her voice was comforting and precious to you. What a special, special present!!!
xoxo
It sounds like such a gift that you heard her voice. She is definately watching over her little brother. *hugs*
I'm so happy you got to hear her voice in your dream. I haven't had a dream yet, at least not a good one (I've had my share of nightmares), but I can easily imagine how it might feel like losing her again. I'm so sorry for that part...
I hope we can dream about our babies on day and wake up feeling refreshed instead of upset and a bit heartbroken. (((Hugs)))
That must have been hard when you woke up - but lovely as well. Hearing her voice - heart melting and breaking at the same time.
Congrats on the 24 weeks - I know it isn't a set in stone milestone - but it is a milestone you reached.
Jenna is watching over her family for sure!
That is so sweet that she was telling her brother how to breathe.. guiding him like a big sister should.
Make sure you look at my recent post, I wrote Jenna's name in the snow :)
I sent you an email a few weeks ago about a hope collage, did you get it?
Love to you..
How nice to see Jenna in a dream. But, I'm sorry you saw she and baby boy in the NICU and that you had to relive the loss over again. Things are going to be 100% different this time. May your dreams be sweet tonight.
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