I am at the mercy of this grief! I am not saying that in a bad way either. For example a few days ago, about a week or so, I couldn't get through a few hours without crying my eyes out over the simplest reminders and thoughts. It was so fresh, almost raw pain. It was bad.
A few days later I can breathe again. The sun is shining and I don't resent it. (Yes, there are days that I literally resent the sunshine that without bias can shine on the most awful days imaginable... i.e. the day Jenna died and her funeral).
Today I really am at peace. Is is circumstantial? Is it really this roller coaster that has brought me relief? Or is it the calm before the storm?
The part of grief that drives me the most crazy is that I don't control it. Sometimes triggers cross my path and they sting like a fresh wound. Other days triggers come and I can't feel anything.
I hate to think that by admitting this I am jinxing myself and inviting a bad case of the blues. I certainly hope not.
I enjoy days like this. I can't even say that guilt is eating me up either. That is particularly unusual. Usually on my 'good' days the guilt is what makes me stumble.
Today I am blessed. Blessed to have been chosen to mother such a special little girl. That little girl in bed 25 in the level 3 NICU at Texas Children's Hospital was my baby girl. She taught me so many things and like I have said a million times before she changed my world forever. I think about who I was before I met her, before I knew her. I don't want to be that person anymore. That person didn't know grief that only comes as
a result of loving deeply. That person didn't understand selfless love.
That person didn't know first hand that God could use the "weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty..." I saw him use Jenna to break into hearts and lives of doctors, nurses, family and friends everyday of her life and even now.
Today is one of those (super rare) days where I can think about what happened and I am not blown away at the reality that has surfaced in my life.
16 comments:
Yay! I'm so glad that today is a good day for you! I know exactly what you mean by these good days being rare, they are rare around here too. And yes, Im with you on the whole resenting the sunshine some days too. I've been there and back several times myself. Praying that one day soon, these rare good days will shine down on a little more often. *HUGS*
Here's to good days.... xo
Grief is such a crazy ride...lots of ups and downs. Here's to a lot more ups for you! ((HUGS))
Enjoy the good days because we never know when the bad days are going to rear their ugly head. Here is to more good days and less bad days!! Thinking of you, Jenna and your little boy growing!! *hugs*
Wooo for good days!! don't sit around and wonder when the blues will strike again, enjoy the moment. Its so good to see you've had a good day today! *hugs*
You are right, we are at the mercy of grief! And it can be so frustrating to have one less thing to control. But I am thankful you had a good day...and a good day without guilt. I too struggle with happiness and joy followed by guilt. Praying more days like this come, and less of the harder days. I am told that is how this works, but I will have to wait and see!
By the way, I am EXCITED to hear in this post that you are from Texas! We live in Dallas, and I never feel like any of our BLM's are from around me at all! =0)
You said it perfectly! We are at the mercy of this grief. I too can't control it and at times I feel as though I am going crazy. Glad you were able to have a day that you could think about everything and be okay. I hope you have many more of those days as you travel this roller coaster. xx
I just loved reading this post. You are so right, we ARE blessed. Maybe we don't have our daugthers in the way we imagined, but we were still blessed by them, they're still ours, and nothing can take that away. I'm so glad you're feeling the warmth of the sun on your life right now.
I just loved reading this post. You are so right, we ARE blessed. Maybe we don't have our daugthers in the way we imagined, but we were still blessed by them, they're still ours, and nothing can take that away. I'm so glad you're feeling the warmth of the sun on your life right now.
I'm so happy you had a good day !! I hope you have many more to follow. In my post on my blog today I feel God has made me a stronger person and I so look at life more differently. Grief is tough but I think how God is so Good. I'm so blessed to know him.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline
Everyone has said what I want to say :) Just enjoy this time and let it fully in. Hugs, Nan xo
Hoping you have more good days to follow. You will have good days, and you will have bad days on this journey. Both are okay for their own reasons. I just hope you are holding more smiles soon then tears. *hugs*
You absolutely deserve this and many more good days. I'm so glad you are able to have them!
BTW--I totally feel you about weather being unbiased in its appearance. I feel the same way about the cold, and specifically the snow. It just doesn't seem right that the world is in a beautiful and blissful existence while my heart screams out in pain.
And then I take a breath and am thankful for its beauty.
Ahh...at grief's mercy indeed.
I have been thinking the same thing! Here is to good days!
Good days are so refreshing! Hoping that more follow!
I'm so glad you've able to have some better days recently, Franchesca, and without feeling guilty. I know Jenna is smiling in heaven if she knows her Mommy is happy. It will never change how much you love and miss her, even as the good days become more frequent!!
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