So I was in the progress of getting blood drawn and making a million stops yesterday, ones that I could not make any other day. It was the 18th and I already knew I wouldn't be able to go see her. It was the first time on the 18th that I didn't make it to her gravesite. I felt awful and still do. Her dad went to go see her on his lunch break, which was so incredibly sweet.
I walked into the lab clinic and was waiting to sign in behind a young woman and her new baby girl (carrier had a pink blanket covered over the top so I couldn't see how old she was). It tore my heart open. Lately sightings of any girls just hurt a little more than they used to. I'll never get those moments with Jenna. Ever. The technician swung the door open to call her in, as the woman was walking to sit down. The tech had one of those personalities that could light up a room and start a conversation with the wall.
She didn't know.
She called the woman's name and then glanced at me and asked "What's wrong???"
I thought she was talking about my allergic reaction all over my skin. I must have given her a puzzled look because she went on, "What's wrong? You should be happy..."
She didn't know.
"My baby girl died 10 months ago today and I am not able to go see her today." I WANTED to say. But I didn't. I half-smiled and let the woman with the baby girl answer for me.
"She's tired." No, not really, but thanks for stepping in.
It's times like that that I wish I either wore a shirt that said "My baby died so excuse my ridiculous behavior" OR that I could hide my emotions much better than I tell myself I do. I had no idea that my ripped out heart was telling on me again.
27 comments:
I feel the same way. I so badly want to buy a tee shirt that says that. Anything pink or any baby little girls tear at my heart strings :(
my heart breaks for you! i can't imagine the pain. praying for the Lord to comfort you.
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry, sending you lots of love, don't beat yourself up for not going to see Jenna yesterday, you have her in your thoughts, she is always on your mind. She knows how much you love her!
Thinking of you friend.
Some days I feel like EVERYONE can see this big red target on my forehead.
Other days, I forget that THEY DON'T KNOW.
It's so hard either way.
Lots of love to you dear one!
so so so sorry!! I know how you feel. I hate going to the OBGYN because I know I'll see so many things that will break my heart and I'm not very good at hiding my emotions either. praying for you!!!
awwww :o( I too hate seeing the baby girl stuff. it makes me SO sad. *hugs*
Oh my goodness, I would so wear a shirt like that! I know just what you mean..it's hard for me to not wear my heart on my sleeve.
(((hugs)))
I too sometimes wish I could wear a shirt like that. My heart breaks for you. xx
Can you get me one of those shirts too, I needed one in Babies R' Us yesterday!
So so very sorry! I think we all need those shirts! (((HUGS)))- and lots of them!
I think we should all get together and create a shirt like that. I hate days like that. I just tell myself that if people were in my shoes they would understand.
That was very sweet of your hubby to go visit her during lunch. Don't allow yourself to feel bad for not visiting her, she was looking down at you smiling. She knows where your heart is at all times.
It is also hard for me to see little girls as well. I hope with time my heart won't break each time I see one.
Thinking of you, have a good weekend. I got you a little something I will email you this weekend.
I also feel like everone should know, I am not sure how but just know somehow! The shirt would be good, at least we would not feel so awkward about it!
Hugs!
Oh, sweetie, Jenna knows that you were there in your heart. Sending you hugs and comfort.
I think I need one of those shirts too. Some of the most ordinary moments of life can be some of the toughest for me. Sorry you had a rough day! *HUGS*
I don't want to be that way but the little girl things get me everytime too. I need the tshirt!!!
Oh...I so could've used a shirt like that!
Oh I am ooowith you....so sorry you had to deal with anything like that...its written on my face all the time too
:( Hugs xxxooo
I still have the same problem...I have a beautiful baby boy but the sight of a baby girl still hurts from time to time...I think of Lily everyday and of all the girlie things that I'll never do with her...
I'm sorry that you didn't get to go to Jenna's gravesite ((HUGS))
Thinking of you and sorry you didn't get to go to the gravesite. Saying a special prayer for you always.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline
Oh I want one of those shirts too. Something that tells the world why they just might see a tear slipping down my face at various moments, or why they might see me turn and walk away swiftly to hide the outpouring that is about to come. Sometimes I think it'll never truly get easier.
(((hugs)))
I'm so sorry you didn't get to go see her but it's ok and I'm sure if she knows...she understands you were busy. I don't visit my Connor as much as I would like but it's ok cuz I visit him everyday in my heart. It's hard to hide the hurt but we try cuz its harder to explain it. Just say you're "fine"...to me it means: f'ed up, insecure, nerotic and emotional. An easy way to explain your feelings without making others uncomfortable. *hugs*
I had a similar day recently and see what came out: my own statement shirt: http://myskytimes.wordpress.com/2010/03/11/my-personal-statement-shirt/
Hope you feel better today...
I seriously think we should design BLM tshirts!!!!!!!! We could sell them on Grieve Out Loud!
Thinking of you, sweet lady! xoxo
I get it...I do. I wish I had the same shirt. I know there's nothing I can say.
I could go for the tshirt idea! I'm sorry you did get to make it out!
i so identify with thinking i'm hiding my emotions better than i am. sometimes at work somebody will ask me what is wrong because they say i look so sad... *HUGS*
I often wonder what my face is saying that my words cannot.
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